


Chamomile Tea and Bran Flakes

by MalikRuttingAssassinAss



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-01-09 16:56:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 41,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1148535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalikRuttingAssassinAss/pseuds/MalikRuttingAssassinAss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he was told Major Kaidan Alenko would see him through the rest of his recovery once released from hospital, he wasn't expecting this.</p><p> <i>"Kaidan, there’s no power in the house. It’ll take a mighty impressive series of events to make this house go boom."</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

Silence was… unnerving. For weeks after the war, all he could hear as he lay, prone like some shattered doll, was the rhythmic click of the machines telling him he was alive. After that, it was the Councillor, psychiatrist, therapist, shrink, whatever you wanted to call it, the clicking of her fingernails over her terminal, jotting down everything he said, did, looked at – _fuck, so many good people taken by the war and this vindictive bitch couldn’t have died instead?_  
   
But he’d sat there, listened and spoke, skirting the truth – _sleeper agents everywhere, can’t be too careful_ – assuring her of his sanity and not much else until one day she’d just given up, given him the damn leaflets and sent him back to Vancouver with the strictest order to stay rested and contact her if he felt like he wasn’t quite himself anymore.  
   
And so, he’d gone to Vancouver where all was even quieter than before. He’d been entrusted to Kaidan _fucking_ Alenko, his old squad mate from the Reaper war, and he hadn't seen much of him after, being laid up in hospital like he was. After the war. Post-Invasion, everyone was referring it to as. Funny how things quickly got labelled like that, or not, Shepard didn’t really care, they should have listened to him in the first place. The _“I told you so”_ clear on his face whenever someone spoke of the Reapers and the sheer destruction they left behind.  
  
 _"Oh yes... "Reapers"..."_  
   
But Kaidan Alenko, the army brat come Spectre and Major, sweetheart of the Alliance with a 0% tolerance policy for bullshit and a hard-on for regulations, suffering violently from a lack of humour…  
   
…was _different._  
   
Of course, Kaidan had been briefed on his new responsibilities long before Shepard had even opened his eyes. As a human, as a field-medic, as another soldier, he knew what to do with a downed comrade, Shepard hadn’t doubted Kaidan’s ability on-field and had been patched up by him numerous times… but…  
   
 _Shit_ , Shepard was aware Kaidan was going to care for him, take him to physiotherapy; arrange his appointments, medication, ensure he was on an appropriate diet, and of course watch for any signs of deterioration and indoctrination, but he wasn’t expecting to be cared _about_.  
   
And that was what Shepard meant by _different_. When he was escorted to Kaidan’s home in the rural areas of Vancouver, he wasn’t welcomed with a salute or a professional nod of the head, he was wrapped in warm arms, the softness of civvies feeling alien against his cheek. Everything so… _different._  
   
 _And really, plaid shirt, Kaidan? Jesus, we get it, loud and proud Canadian._  
   
“It’s so good to see you, Shepard.” He’d whispered against his ear and adjusted his chin against his shoulder. Shepard hadn’t felt comfortable at all, but not entirely uncomfortable either. In fact, he’d returned the hug in earnest, not realising just how _fucking_ amazing a hug felt after being so ungrounded and cold and… _alone_ for the months he was stuck in hospital.  
   
The fellow Alliance officers, chaperons to make sure Shepard didn’t arrive worse than how he’d left, had handed over to Kaidan a datapad with his care plan, although Shepard was damn sure he’d already read _his_ copy a million times over and memorised it in three different languages, including Quarian. They’d placed his things just inside the front door and had promptly left with a quick salute and a click of the heels, but Kaidan hadn’t noticed, he’d been too busy looking Shepard over, Shepard feeling on-the-fence at ease with it.  
   
And, as he _had_ been expecting, the whole damn time, there had been a mind-numbing lecture. Each and every injury was addressed, even some Shepard himself wasn’t aware of. They were checked, a physical exam – _Jees, 10 minutes I’m here and already asking me to take my pants off? –_ probably just to assure the Major the whereabouts in recovery each injury was, given his care-plan was probably outdated a few weeks and the newer one, supplied by the Alliance chaperon officers, had been abandoned on the side-table by the front door where all Shepard’s belongings seemed to be as well.  
   
Kaidan seemed disappointed by the state of his injuries regardless of how much Shepard tried to upsell, but he didn’t chastise him or roll his eyes or even give him _that look_ , the same one from Mars and Horizon, one of frustration and doubt. He simply helped him pull his pants back on and asked if he was tired, hungry and/or thirsty, in that order.  
   
Shepard had politely declined, but had requested if he could stay on the sofa a bit, the metal plates in his spine stiff from the snow outside.  
   
Kaidan had… _chuckled_ , said something about Canadian snow, the way it seeped into your core and froze all hope of fertility from your ball-bags. And it was funny… when had Kaidan received a sense-of-humour implant? What poor bastard had to donate theirs?  
   
That had all been around three weeks ago, Shepard wasn’t too sure. After spending most days sleeping off hard core physiotherapy sessions, his sense of time got a little mixed up and twisted upside down. A few nights he’d woken up like someone had fed him stimulants through an intravenous drip, and then limped around the house in hopes of finding Kaidan only to discover him in bed with the clock on the bedside table glaring 3 AM in red.  
   
“You’re staring.”  
   
Shepard blinked awake from his acute daydream and would have fixed his attention on Kaidan if his attention hadn’t been there already. Awkward.  
   
“Sorry,” He mumbled, glancing down to the table beneath the coffee mug his hands were wrapped around. “I was just… thinking.”  
   
“Are you still worried about the physio?” Kaidan sat up straighter, keeping his hands linked around his mug of hot coffee.  
   
Shepard almost chuckled. Of all the things to worry about, Kaidan was concerned about him not having a good session at the hospital. The power had been out for three days, there was no hot water on tap, the heating had died with the electricity and worst of all, the God damn cherry on the top, Kaidan had thrown his back out trying to pick Shepard up from a nasty fall on the porch earlier that week.  
   
 _Way to make his life hell too._  
   
“Shepard.” He looked up to see the fretful furrowing of the Major’s brow, his scar smattered lips blowing over the rim of his mug as he took a quiet sip. Thank God for the old-style gas operated oven and a box of matches that had somehow made their way from the Silver Coast casino on the Citadel to Kaidan’s home, otherwise…. Ugh… _cold Bennings beans._  
   
He shelved the shudder, regarded Kaidan and shifted his chair closer to the table, feeling every stitch, every reinforced joint strain under the simple action, a small moan smothered quickly by a cough.  
  
“If there’s anything you need to talk about,” The Major gestured to himself and took another sip of his coffee.  
   
“I’m worried about the power.” Shepard half-lied considering he was _actually_ worried about it but it was either that or tell him he’d been sitting there day dreaming about how surprised he was Kaidan hadn’t turned out to be a massive asshole performing his duty and not much else. That was one hell of a way to show gratitude, and he didn’t doubt just how offensive it could be to someone like Kaidan.  
   
“Yeah. I am too.” The man appeared wistful as he looked down to the table, head shaking at the very thought of the situation. “But, it’ll blow over soon enough. If push-comes-to-shove, then I’ll take you someplace safe, I promise.”  
   
And, what do you say to that? You don’t want to sound ungrateful by saying _you don’t need protecting_ when it’s so damn obvious you do, but at the same time you can’t really say thank you because… because _reasons!_  
   
“Alright.” He sighed instead, bringing the steaming mug to his lips. “Do we have enough firewood for tonight?”  
   
“Only enough to light one fire.” Kaidan rose his gaze and Shepard met him across the table as he realised just what Kaidan was about to say.  
   
“I think you-”  
   
“No.” Shepard frowned, cutting the biotic short. “I think _you_ should have the lit fire tonight in _your_ room, because it’s _your_ God damn house, Kaidan.”  
   
The man blinked slowly for a few seconds, before placing his mug down and frowning, not looking best pleased. Shepard was half tempted to tell the Major to lighten the fuck up before his face froze into place, considering the circumstances.  
   
“Actually, I was going to suggest you move into my room tonight. The fireplace has less of a draft, meaning the fire will be able to burn stronger for longer and…” Kaidan hesitated, seeking the right words. “Shared body heat wouldn’t be a bad idea.”  
   
Shepard raised an eyebrow and carefully lifted the mug to his lips again, feeling the steam roll over his nose and drift up to sooth his sore eyes. Just before he took a gulp of the bitter comfort, he said;  
   
“It is tempting to bunk with you, Alenko.” The Major choked on his mouthful of coffee and promptly swallowed with far too much air. “I suppose we’ll take turns being the bigger spoon, hm?”  
   
“Jesus,” Kaidan coughed and punched his chest until he’d stopped almost suffocating on his beverage, taking a shaky breath. “I swear you said the same shit on Noveria. Almost had a heart attack then too.”  
   
“It’s a good idea, Major. I’m fine with it as long as you are also.” Shepard shared an almost innocent smile across the table, the mischievous glint in his eye contradicting such a façade.  
   
   
*       *       *  
   
And, that was how Shepard had ended up standing at the end of Major Spectre Kaidan Alenko’s bed, dressed down to an undershirt and boxers with the man himself wearing about the same, just a shirt that was far too fitted to be nothing short of seduction.  
   
 _To a lady, anyway._ Shepard coughed into his hand and eyed the strong blaze burning in the hearth, spreading its warmth into the far reaches of the bedroom with tendrils of orange tinted heat.  
   
“I’ve brought in more firewood, but it’ll need a good 24 hours to dry out enough to burn. I could take a trip into town tomorrow for some fresh supplies but…”  
   
“But nothing, go. I think you should trust me enough not to steal all your shit whilst you’re gone.”  
   
Kaidan chuckled at that, raking his hair with his scarred fingers.  
   
“You know it’s not that.” He smiled.  
   
“Enlighten me.” Shepard shrugged, his arms flopping lazily as he rounded to the vacant area of the bed. He observed the biotic watching him in turn as he slid into the bed rather rigidly, his metal pins, plates and cybernetics stiff in such unforgivingly cold weather. Once settled beneath the sheets, savouring the warmth the Major had already built up within the blankets, he returned his gaze to the man beside him, expecting an answer.  
   
He wasn’t sure he was to receive one when Kaidan turned his attention back to the book spread open against his thighs. But he could tell by the lack of eye-movement he wasn’t actually reading, more looking for something else to stare at and distract himself from… something. Shepard had more than enough time to study the behaviour of his squad during the war, living in such close quarters allowed him to pick up that habit.  
   
“You need help bathing, Shepard. You have trouble taking the stairs. You’re prone to injury, I can’t have you taking a tumble and ending up back in a wheelchair, or worse, a hospital, when you’ve already done so well so far.” Kaidan closed his book and set it aside. He shifted to face Shepard and Shepard met him halfway, eyes unfathomably warm with concern that Shepard wasn’t sure he minded or not.  
   
So he went for humour, trying anything to brush off the weight of Kaidan’s explanation.  
   
“Commander John Shepard, Age 35, taken out by stairs at the Alenko household.” He grinned. “That’ll shame some old enemies, that’s for sure.”  
   
“I appreciate you trying to lighten the mood, but it’s really _honestly_ not funny, Shepard. You’re my responsibility-”  
   
“Well, shit, don’t let me tarnish your yearly performance review.”  
   
“You’re my responsibility and if anything happened to you I… Christ, I don’t know what I’d do. Freak the fuck out, I think.”  
   
“Kaidan.” Shepard huffed. “I am a middle-aged man, I am not a God damn toddler. I know stairs are dangerous, I know not to put my hand over an open flame, I won’t eat the yellow snow and, Jesus _fuck_ , I won’t go and set the God damn house on fire if you were to leave for a few hours. I saved the Galaxy, in case you forgot?”  
   
Kaidan was mulling it over, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he studied Shepard’s face.  
   
“Yeah,” The biotic finally grumbled, eyes sharpening all suspicious-like. “But how much shit did you blow up along the way?”  
   
Shepard grinned sheepishly, shifting his hips against the slightly softer mattress, he preferred the harder sort, but this was warm, _he_ was warm, and so was Kaidan. He decided to grace Kaidan’s question with a silence because, to be honest, they were still tallying an estimate for the Reaper damage done during the invasion, Shepard could own up to a good quarter of that estimation when it was finally totalled.  
   
“Exactly.” Kaidan sighed and slid down under the sheets, blankets and feather-filled duvets piled up over them.  
   
“Kaidan, there’s no power in the house. It’ll take a mighty impressive series of events to make this house go boom.”  
   
“The gas stove.”  
   
“Alright, yeah, the gas stove. But I think I can follow a simple order not to use the stove whilst you’re gone.” Shepard blinked slowly and suddenly sat up, as fast as his aching body would allow him to anyway. “Why don’t I come with you to grab supplies?”  
   
“You could catch something. Your immune system is pretty crappy at the moment due to all the meds you’re on, plus if you fall in the snow-”  
   
“-I’ll fall flat on my ass and everyone can have a good laugh. Come on, stop being a fun sponge.” Shepard would’ve pouted if Kaidan hadn’t thrown him a bemused look. Instead, he rolled his head back and closed his eyes, releasing a slow breath through his nose once he realised Kaidan was still a stubborn ass. Although he couldn’t really complain due to the fact Kaidan was being a stubborn ass whilst simultaneously caring about him, which he was _still_ getting used to.  
   
“Shepard. You fell over the other day and yeah, no lasting damage, just a couple of bruises. But if you fell at a different angle, you would have fallen on the pins in your spine and … and probably paralyzed yourself.” Kaidan whispered from his pillow. Shepard hadn’t thought of it that way. It had been sheer luck he hadn’t shattered something, sure, but to know the chances of ending up permanently in a wheelchair, that wasn’t something he fancied taking a risk with.  
   
“Alright.” He sighed and closed his eyes, pulling the sheets over his shoulder. “I’ll probably stay in bed anyway because, let’s be honest, you’re making it damn hard to leave this bed, Major.”  
   
He cracked an eye open to watch Kaidan’s halted reaction, the first faze where he had to swallow back an insult followed swiftly by the drop of those eyebrows and –  
   
“I bet that’s not all I’m making damn hard.”  
   
 _Real mature, K._ Shepard grinned regardless, his blue eyes reflecting the glow of the hearth as he slid his hand over the space between them and touched the biotic’s dark-haired arm. Kaidan flinched at the cold fingertips, but John couldn’t help being a little lacking in the circulation, he was more tin-man than human at the moment.  
   
Shepard opened his mouth to tease Kaidan about being sensitive, just like that time on the Citadel in his apartment, when the man shifted over _carefully_ considering his poorly back and wrapped his big warm arms around his ribs. Shepard tensed for a moment, felt, heard, tasted his heart at the back of his throat until he remembered the whole _shared body heat_ conversation earlier that night.  
   
“Are you cold?” Kaidan whispered against his forehead.  
   
“Yeah,” Shepard said automatically, because he was. No point in lying about it.  
   
“Same here.” He felt more than heard the huff escaping Kaidan’s chest. He curled his fists into the fabric of Kaidan’s shirt, one hand at his ribs, the other tucked up in the dip between a pair of defined pectorals.  
   
“EDI once said that sliding hands into the warmest cavities of the human body was the best method of sharing heat.” Shepard breathed against Kaidan’s collarbone where he’d tucked his head. There was a long pause. Shepard bit his lips inwards and sighed sharply through his nose. He’d damn himself until the day he died for what he did to her, even though she and the Geth were up and running again, he could _never_ forget the destroyed look Joker had when he’d explained it was _his_ fault and that he’d chosen to sacrifice synthetic life alongside the Reapers-  
   
Shepard stirred when he felt a hand sliding back and forth across his shoulder blades.  
   
He opened his eyes, not realising he’d been squeezing them shut until that moment. He moved closer to the warmth, snaking his arm around Kaidan’s waist and holding tightly onto the fabric of his shirt as his face pressed into the firm chest. He was okay with this, being so intimately wrapped up with a man who had accused him multiple times of being a disgrace to the Alliance. He touched his other hand lightly down the toned chest, his fingertip dipping into his navel after traversing the many folds of his hitched up shirt.  
   
Kaidan looked down in that moment as his stomach muscles twitched at the finger feathering over the thick hair surrounding his bellybutton and travelling down beneath his waistband. The manner in which Shepard toyed with him there was almost innocent, never quite reaching it given the man was, well, Commander _God damn_ Shepard.  
   
John eventually looked up, his fingers continuing to trace blind patterns across the warm, hardened stomach. He watched the amber eyes staring him out, probably trying to figure his game, but he didn’t have one, he was too tired to kid around and he wouldn’t do such a thing anyway when Kaidan’s back alone was making sleep a trouble, let alone _his_ bullshit.  
   
He supposed that should’ve stopped him, stopped his hand from dipping just that little bit lower, his fingertips catching on the waistband, but it didn’t. The slight widening of Kaidan’s eyes should’ve told him he was pushing it too far. The heat between his thighs should’ve sobered him, disgusted him enough to revolt from Kaidan because it was _Kaidan fucking Alenko_ , not a cheap floozy or female in any shape or form.  
   
But nothing told him to stop. Not even Kaidan.  
   
So, he slipped his fingertips to the first knuckle beneath the waistband, teasing the stretchy fabric a few times before digging in deeper and pulling the blue-black underwear down a teasing couple of centimetres.  
   
He felt the burning gaze the Major had pinpointed directly onto him, his amber eyes lost in the darkness, but he could tell his attention shifted between Shepard’s wandering touch and his face, probably questioning why he ever let this crippled psychopath into his home just to have him touch him like he was. Shepard didn’t know what he was doing, but whatever it was felt so natural and _good_ that he didn’t want to stop. Not yet anyway, and not unless Kaidan told him so.  
   
But the man was silent, which was neither good nor bad. His fingers slid across the waistband until the mattress obstructed his path and going the other way was going against the natural bend of his arm, so he instead decided to take his direction in a more southerly route. Hooking his fingers back under the elastic, he pulled, centimetre by centimetre, inching towards the line if he hadn’t already crossed it.  
   
His tongue slipped out to moisten his lips, his sight now firmly planted on the skin being unveiled, he couldn’t tear his gaze away no matter how hard he tried. He was just so… _curious._ He hadn’t really paid attention much to men or their cocks, but when it came to wanting to see what Kaidan had tucked down his boxers, his interest was piqued.  
   
And apparently, the Major wasn’t going to interrupt his exploration of another man’s underwear.  
   
Finally, Shepard had stretched the fabric down far enough to glimpse the… surprisingly endowed package, although the bulge Shepard _certainly hadn’t_ been checking out earlier had hinted towards a large manhood, he hadn’t been expecting _this_ much.  
   
 _Alright_ , Shepard thought, _you’ve seen Kaidan Alenko’s junk, been impressed by it, now tell me what the fuck you’re supposed to do now because FYI, John, Alenko’s been watching this whole time._  
   
He let go of the elastic with a resounding _snap_ , eyed Kaidan’s chest for a second before lifting his chin and estimating the man’s reaction. He looked passive, stoic even, with a light dusting of a flush on his cheeks. But then Shepard caught the look in his eyes and almost swallowed at the intense… _something_ behind them.  
   
It wasn’t hatred or disgust, nothing negative, but hell if it wasn’t confusing figuring it out. Kaidan was a mysterious, baffling man. That was rich coming from Shepard at this point, so he supposed he couldn’t blame Kaidan for being a little off-put by the whole thing, then again it wasn’t like Shepard knew what the hell he was doing either.  
   
The silence was stretching towards awkward when at long last Shepard heard the biotic take in a breath and released it through his nose.  
   
Shepard nestled his hands back between their chests. He swore to himself he wouldn’t touch Kaidan again, it was weird enough already and he could feel the weight of Kaidan’s arms around him more than ever. He chose silence over words and closed his eyes, praying sleep would take him away from the awkward situation he’d just created. 


	2. Chapter Two

Shepard had woken to an empty bed that morning. The fire was still lit, the curtains still drawn over the windows, but there was no fooling him what time it was when he peeked over Kaidan’s vacant side of the bed. He moaned, feeling a dull throb behind his eyes which _usually_ meant he’d over slept.  
   
 _14:21 pm._  
   
He pushed himself up onto his elbows and eyed the closed door, the laundry stacked up on the large maple-wood desk waiting to be put away – he grinned at how domestic Kaidan could be. He knew there was a shit ton of files and datapads tucked underneath all of that laundry, a powered down terminal and one or two photographs, he wasn’t sure who they were, but they _seemed_ to be Kaidan’s parents.  
   
He pushed the blankets from his body and sighed. What a relief to be _warm_ first thing in the morning? His joints didn’t ache, his metal plating wasn’t stiff, he felt loose and easily could’ve strutted down those stairs like he _owned_ the place, except that was when the _actual_ owner walked into the bedroom.  
   
“Kaidan,” Shepard stopped short, eyes tracing the white specks dusting over Kaidan’s hair and shoulders. “Have you been outside?”  
   
“Yeah.” Kaidan breathed into the scarf tucked up around his neck and mouth. “Pretty damn cold out there, but we should be good for another week with the supplies I got.”  
   
Shepard stared at the Major for a few heartbeats before he realised where Kaidan had been. A huff escaped his throat and he reached forward to brush off the snow from Kaidan’s hair and shoulders.  
   
“Your nose is all red.” He noted, wiping his moist hand off on his undershirt. “How long have you been in the snow?”  
   
“Not long. A couple of hours maybe. The snow’s coming down in a blizzard, so navigating a shuttle is pretty tricky with those winds. Weather like this makes me miss the Mako.”  
   
“At least you’re back safe.” Shepard sighed as he went about pulling the Major’s scarf from his neck. He folded the navy blue scarf over in his hands and placed it on the desk beside them before returning to the buttons down the front of Kaidan’s coat. Shepard didn’t know what it was about the Major that made him want to dote over him just about as much as Kaidan did over him. He was thankful for everything the man did, sure, and he wanted to return the favour but he was doing this for… not so selfless reasons.  
   
He enjoyed being close to the biotic, he felt a bit weird touching him, but nothing wholly unpleasant. His knuckles grazed a knitted sweater hidden under Kaidan’s coat, something that looked itchy but felt like cashmere against his knobbly knuckles.  
   
“Yeah,” He heard from opposite him, followed by a breathy chuckle as the man shrugged out of his coat. “It got a little shaky when James saw me on the base. He asked so many questions I thought my head was going to explode. He’s worried about you, everyone is…”  
   
Shepard frowned, knowing what was coming next as he fiddled with the end of Kaidan’s right sleeve, careful not to pull the frayed thread no matter how tempting it was to do it anyway.  
   
“You haven’t been answering any of their calls or emails, have you?”  
   
He glanced off to the side, keeping his eyes fixed on the cluttered desk in hopes Kaidan would drop the subject and kindly revert to talking about the weather and how fucked they were. After a while he sighed through his nose and rolled up Kaidan’s sleeves for him – _just in case he catches that thread._ It looked like an old, loved sweater after all, something he probably wore every winter without fail. He didn’t doubt for a second this was the sweater Kaidan had in mind when he’d said; _“Mom was right, I should’ve brought a sweater”_ all those years ago on Noveria.  
   
“Not even from Hackett, I assume.” Kaidan shook his head and glanced to Shepard’s fingers still around the rolled up sleeve of his right arm. “He asked me about your progress today as I reported in. He said you haven’t been responding to contact for about two weeks.”  
   
Shepard fixed eyes with Kaidan’s and just… shrugged. How was it any of _their_ business how he was. He’d saved everyone, his job was done, now was the time to be alone after being the face of the Alliance, the saviour of the Galaxy. Alright, so he wasn’t _completely_ alone. Kaidan was there, he _lived_ with the unfortunate bastard, there was no avoiding him, but Kaidan was observant and knew when it was time to give Shepard some space, which was rare nowadays.  
   
Unless, of course, he wanted something out of Shepard, then it was a pretty quick trip to Nag-Ville.  
   
“They’re all worried about you, Shepard.” Kaidan whispered with his hoarse voice almost lost beneath the crackling of the embers. “Do you want me to talk to them for you, assure them you’re doing well?”  
   
“No.” Shepard took a deep breath and shook his head. “If they really, honestly cared, Kaidan, they’d be here, like you.”  
   
“That’s not fair. They have their own responsibilities, their home worlds, their families and friends. They’re rebuilding whilst you’re recovering.” The Major huffed and started on the pile of folded clothes on the desk, pacing the room whilst placing each category of clothing into their designated spots. “At least they’re kind enough to ask how you’re doing with their own shit to worry about.”  
   
“I- I didn’t mean it like that, I just-”  
   
“Miss them?” Kaidan muttered from inside the walk-in wardrobe.  
   
“Yeah.” A silence fell across the room as Shepard contemplated helping Kaidan with the clothes, but quickly decided against it considering he didn’t know what went where and, to be honest, fumbling around with Kaidan’s shirts and underwear had… _already happened, so why be concerned?_  
  
“When you’re feeling well enough,” Kaidan grunted from inside the wardrobe before wondering out and tugging the light-pull off. “I think we should have that reunion party we spoke about a while back.”  
   
“You mean; _dancing in the streets, hugging and crying_..? It sounds wonderful.” Shepard’s attention shifted from the dark haired biotic to the now less cluttered desk. He wandered over as Kaidan busied himself with returning _clean_ socks and undies to their draws, his fingers skirting over the files to find those photographs he’d spied the other week.  
   
“Yeah, that, just gotta wait for the snow to melt otherwise ‘ _dancing in the streets’_ is going to become ‘ _waiting for an ambulance because the two old bastards slipped and broke their hips’._ ”  
   
“You shouldn’t talk about yourself and Liara like that.” Shepard murmured as he found the photo and brought it up for a closer look. He heard Kaidan chuckling over his shoulder somewhere, but not much else, so he studied the shorter woman in the picture with a decidedly less _tired_ looking Major Alenko – he must’ve been celebrating something big given he was in dress blues, his usually stony veneer cracked by a full set of straight, pearly teeth revealed in a handsome grin towards whoever was behind the camera.  
   
The lady looked to be in her early 60s. Short stuff, only came to Kaidan’s chest in the photo. Silvery black hair and a set of deep amber eyes that poured love and pride for her son even now, months later through a photograph. He wondered who was behind the camera. It wasn’t a stranger, Kaidan wouldn’t have pulled back the veil on such emotions for any old soldier or civilian, it had to be someone dear to him.  
   
Looking closer, he counted the medals on Kaidan’s chest. So many, he never knew Kaidan had been appreciated for his hard work, of course he was aware he was one of the best damn soldiers the Alliance had to offer, but to have so many medals and special commendation badges, was just nuts.  
   
“I’d just been promoted to Major.”  
   
Shepard didn’t flinch, but it was bad enough having to tell his body not to do it anyway. He regarded Kaidan at his side and silently handed over the photo, understanding fully just how much such a thing meant to a soldier.  
   
“Anderson wanted to make a big deal of it, dragged my ass up on a podium and forced me to make a speech I didn’t prepare for. It didn’t go too badly, had a few people in tears, cracked some jokes and told them about your dancing.” Kaidan smirked softly, before his expression fell into something Shepard wasn’t sure he wanted to see again. Such a pained longing struck a gouge into Shepard so deep he would’ve done _anything_ to never see Kaidan so upset again.  
   
“It was the last time I was with my parents. I spent the next couple of months at HQ attending to my students, no time to visit home with a flock of your own, that’s for sure.”  
   
John wondered what to do or say. He wanted to inquire about Kaidan’s parents and dig in his business because he was just as curious as he was worried – on the other hand, he didn’t want to cause any offense because it simply _wasn’t_ his business. So, he reached for the hem of Kaidan’s sweater and gently pulled, offering a sad smile and a graze of his fingertips beneath the knitted material when the Major looked his way.  
   
Finally, John couldn’t hold his tongue. The look Kaidan gave the photo was so heart wrenching he was pretty sure he felt a punch to his gut whenever he saw it.  
   
“I know your father went MIA, presumed killed in action after returning to service during the Reaper invasion, but where’s your Mom? Is she still at the Family Orchard?”  
   
Oh God, Shepard could see his question hadn’t helped at all. The shattered look on his face intensified, as if he’d only fuelled Kaidan’s misery and he _hated_ himself for asking, but he had to, Kaidan wasn’t about to do it without prompting. Things were better spoken about, Shepard had learnt that early on in the military.  
   
“She died.” The biotic swallowed hard, the tip of his thumb tracing the face of his mother on the photo. Shepard felt that sickening drop, like his heart had fallen into the soles of his feet, at the terrible news. His hand ran under the soft sweater and rubbed over the biotic’s lower back, offering comfort through touch when John realised he couldn’t fathom words to express it.  
   
“Tell me what happened.” He whispered instead, rolling his knuckles up higher against the broad back.  
   
“Mom was suffering from cervical cancer. She was receiving treatment, but of course, when the Reapers hit, they took out all the hospitals this side of the border. My Dad took Mom to the Orchard, he knew there was a hospital nearby that would care for her whilst he returned to serve the Alliance.” Kaidan paused eyes glancing over the photo to the desk.  
   
“She continued her treatment, but... she needed a hysterectomy, a procedure to remove varying parts of the internal female reproductive organs,” Shepard nodded, knowing what it was. “She had refused having any of it removed since she was diagnosed, we all pleaded with her to better her chances by having the surgery, but she didn’t want it.”  
   
“When did you hear about her passing away?”  
   
“I didn’t.” Kaidan placed the photo down onto the desk again and turned to face Shepard, a worryingly cold blankness taking refuge in his eyes. “I went to the Orchard as soon as I could get a shuttle to take me after the war ended. I found her,”  
   
“Oh… God, Kaidan, I am so…”  
   
“Dead in her chair by the window. I saw her through the glass and went inside, thinking she’d seen me coming up the path and was gonna start with the hugging and crying…” He slowly sat on the end of the bed and stared with a disturbing emptiness into the smouldering hearth. Shepard followed, placing a reassuring hand against the Major’s knee to show he was still there for him and he felt for him, empathy and an overwhelming sense of respect.  
   
“Instead…” The man finally broke and crumpled forward, clawing his fingers into his hair as he choked on tears and broken words. “How long must she have been staring out that window _praying_ for us to come home? She-” He gasped in a quick breath and released it sharply. “She was the only person waiting for me to come home and I kept her waiting too long. I- I couldn’t get to her in time, Shepard, she died alone because of me – because of…”  
   
“Hey,” Shepard breathed against his ear as the man completely broke down. He waited a few moments before he hooked his fingers under Kaidan’s chin and managed to pull his head out of his hands. He then promptly wrapped his arms around the Major’s form, holding him against his neck as his fingers carded through silvery black hair. “I shouldn’t have forced an answer out of you, I’m sorry.”  
   
The dampness against his neck eventually dried out as the man in his arms calmed down. Kaidan wasn’t into drawn out displays of emotion of any sort, he had a stony veneer and knew how to sustain it, or in this case, patch it up and pretend it was never cracked in the first place. As the seconds drew on into minutes and the minutes stacked up, Shepard held onto the Major, his touch carding through the salt and pepper hair which felt like silken strands of fine fabric between his fingers.  
   
Eventually, he closed his eyes and rested his head against Kaidan’s cheek, his other hand making slow travels up and down the other’s back before settling at his hip. He hadn’t known. He’d questioned the whereabouts of Kaidan’s mother and had drawn his own conclusions that she was with family outside of Vancouver, on the Orchard or somewhere else off-planet, but never had he considered the chance she was dead. This whole time, Kaidan had been alone in such a big, empty house, quietly mending both physically and mentally surrounded by reminders of a life he would never have again, that he could never return to.  
   
It was no longer a mystery why Kaidan had been so open to the idea of taking care of Shepard, he slowly realised. He needed someone around to fill the void, to talk over those horrible bouts of silence and tease him about how domestic he’d gotten in such a short space of time. Months being alone in this house, where he grew up, Shepard assumed, must have drained his confidence, sparked up some serious nightmares and made him shun the very thought of joining the celebrations of the war won – not when it didn’t feel much of a victory.  
   
Shepard had just guessed he was the only one with nothing to return to once he’d recovered, but… Looking into Kaidan’s warm amber eyes, he knew he wasn’t alone in being unaided… maybe, just _maybe_ they didn’t have to be alone together, but just… _together._ Brothers in arms, comrades, or a squad – no matter how small – until the day they died or both moved on to better things.  
   
Slowly, Shepard moved his hands up Kaidan’s shoulder’s to his neck. He traced his fingers fleetingly over Kaidan’s cheeks, brushing them dry before he carefully pulled the Major’s head back from the crook of his neck. The face that met him was tired, moist with tears but no less handsome than before. Shepard slowly ran his thumbs under Kaidan’s eyes which never left his for a moment. He supposed it should’ve unnerved him, things that stared at you long enough were suspicious or squaring you up for a fight, but this was good, Shepard didn’t mind this.  
   
“I…” Kaidan trailed off and Shepard edged closer in case he missed whatever he wished to share. “I find it very hard to say no to you, Shepard.” He breathed.  
   
Shepard could smell the chamomile tea on his tongue, no coffee today, apparently he needed the opposite of a caffeine fix that morning – the scent of such a fragrant tea had Shepard feeling a little less tense as well.  
   
“So you should.” Shepard finally answered, mouth twisting into a smirk. “But I’m glad you told me. I feel like I understand you a whole lot more. Call me presumptuous, but you must have been lonely. So much time in this house without someone to distract you must’ve meant you were thinking about a lot of stuff. And not necessarily good things either.”  
   
“Yeah,” Kaidan shrugged and slowly inched back to sit up beside his ex-commander. “You could say that, sure.”  
   
“I know it’s not much, but, I’m here for you.” John felt a little goofy saying that, one of the oldest clichés in the book, but he meant it, every single time. “And I’ll be here until you get sick of my face and hand me back to the Alliance for safe keeping.”  
   
Kaidan’s chuckle rumbled deep in his throat, his hand swiping under his eyes first and then his nose. Jesus, he’d never seen the man break down like that, he supposed that’s what happened to people who lost their parents after loving them for so long. He couldn’t really relate to Kaidan’s situation as Shepard had lost his parents before he had the function to remember, but he felt compassion for the older man and he felt like he finally understood.  
   
“M’well I hope they aren’t expecting you back anytime soon.” Kaidan grinned and flopped back against the bed, arms sprawled lazily either side of him. “I think I’m starting to enjoy having you as a housemate.”  
   
“Don’t housemates pay rent?” Shepard smirked as he leant over the settled biotic beside him, hanging down into his sight that would’ve made anyone else uncomfortable, or annoyed, but not Kaidan. He simply smiled and stretched his arms above his head, moaning softly at the click his sore back gave.  
   
“Well, what would _you_ call our arrangement? If we’re not housemates, what are we?”  
   
Such an innocent question shouldn’t have sparked up such a vulgar reply in his head.  
   
 _I’d like to try fuck buddies, starting right now._  
   
He blinked the thought away and concentrated back on the man below him.  
   
“I’d like to call you my friend,” Kaidan said before Shepard could rack his brain for a reply. “But, I… don’t know where we are, I mean…” He inhaled quickly as he sat up on his elbows. “You and I have been through a manifestation of hell itself. We served together, seen things neither of us can forget, killed together and grieved together too.”  
   
“Yeah, we have.” Shepard closed his eyes and swept a hand over his face.  
   
“And then… there was last night as well.” The ex-Commander almost cringed, instead dropping his hand and staring down at Kaidan beside him breaching the subject they’d both been ignoring. “I-if that doesn’t make us more than just friends, then tell me I’m wrong.”  
   
Shepard wouldn’t deny it and he outright refused to lie to the man sheltering him, having his back even now, even after the war ended… He didn’t say a word.  
   
“I don’t let every guy I meet go on a scouting mission down my boxers whenever he feels like it. I need you to know that.”  
   
Shepard nodded, gaze fixed wholly on Kaidan’s chest.  
   
“Hey,” He flinched as a set of fingers gently grazed over his cheek, pulling his attention back up to where the Major wanted it. “I’m not angry and I’m not gonna kick you out of my house, I just wanna know if it meant something… _anything._ ”  
   
“I wish I knew myself.” John sighed. “But I wanted to… to touch you. It felt different – _nice_ even.”  
   
Kaidan chuckled and rolled off his elbows onto his back again. Shepard caught a glimpse of that toned stomach as his sweater hiked up against the blankets, the coarse black hair that led further down to a rather impressive set of _equipment_ looking warm and inviting.  
   
God, what the _fuck_ was wrong with him? Shepard knew it wasn’t any form of cabin fever, he’d spent a good chunk of his life stuck serving on small Alliance vessels with even smaller crew quarters and spending weeks without seeing the sun, it wasn’t something that affected him. It was a development of feelings towards a man who had done nothing but care for him and treat him _human_ the second he moved in, there was no other way to explain it.  
   
He felt such an overwhelming sense of heat and longing towards Kaidan, like nothing he’d ever felt before and he knew he wanted Kaidan in every sense of the word. To deny it would be to lie to himself and what good did that do? Besides, it didn’t seem Kaidan was against the whole idea anyway as he didn’t so much as blink as Shepard slid his palm over the exposed section of warm, hard, hairy stomach.  
   
Shepard studied Kaidan’s face as his hand traced patterns under the sweater, stroking the trail of hair until they disappeared beneath the waistband of his jeans.  
   
Kaidan bit his lip, Shepard zeroed in on the action and mimicked it unknowingly.  
   
He looked down to himself doubtfully, before carefully lying down on his side next to the warm biotic and running his fingers in a circle over his belly button. He felt the laughter bubbling up inside Kaidan beneath his finger tips and he smiled at the grin Kaidan shared back.  
   
The man’s smile faded minutely.  
   
A hand settled against Shepard’s arm, the one reached over between them to allow Shepard’s hand to stroke wherever it liked beneath the sweater. He glanced briefly at it, automatically gaging whether or not it was a threat before it ran up his arm to his shoulder, then dropped to rest upon his neck.  
   
Shepard swallowed, hesitated for a few seconds until he saw Kaidan’s mouth opening for what was definitely a round of suspicious questioning and just _went for it_. Slanting his lips with Kaidan’s felt like an ice cold beer after a torturously hot day in the sun. He tasted of chamomile tea and bran flakes, felt like liquid silk across his mouth and all he could hear was their lips sliding and breaking, their stubble scraping together like matching sides of Velcro and the rustle of the sheets as they inched towards one another.  
   
Horizontal kissing would always be different to vertical, especially in a bed. With the angle, the location, plus the grudgingly romantic setting of a roasting fire in the hearth, it was no surprise Shepard found himself wanting more out of Kaidan than just a kiss. The tips of his fingers teased at the lip of his waistband, before dipping down and stroking the flap of denim covering the zipper of his jeans.  
   
Kaidan opened his lips for a few breaths and then quickly returned to Shepard’s mouth. He wondered what he tasted like – probably nothing good considering he hadn’t brushed his teeth yet nor had any breakfast on his tongue to taste, the same tongue currently lapping over another in _another man’s mouth_.  
   
Instead of feeling repulsed, he surged forward, knocking Kaidan onto his back as he climbed over on top, straddling his hips and taking a seat in his lap. His lips stayed with Kaidan’s, slanting, pushing, pulling, biting, licking and pressing until he was out of breath and inhaling the man’s exhales.  
   
“ _Shepard_.”  
   
And that was good – amazing even. His name uttered in a single breath, heavy with want and- Shepard shuddered as he rocked himself into Kaidan’s lap – he could feel the _need_ pressing up against the front of Kaidan’s jeans. His boxers wouldn’t hide his excitement for long either. It was only a matter of time before his cock was peeking out the waistband to see what all the fuss was about. He _had_ to know if this was what Kaidan wanted rather than finding out later he only wanted a kiss and got freaked the _fuck_ out by Shepard’s arousal.  
   
But just outright asking him was just… _weird_. Shepard wasn’t good with words, never had been. Kaidan knew that from experience, so instead, he gazed down into Kaidan’s closed eyes, before they opened, probably to find where that delicious mouth went.  
   
The Major breathed, scathing his fingers down Shepard’s back.  
   
John glanced at his hand still tucked under Kaidan’s sweater and carefully moved it to revisit a place it’d been the night prior. His fingers slid down further than just the waistband this time and carded through the thicker, fuller hairs deeper in.  
   
Their kiss broke suddenly as Kaidan inhaled sharply and grabbed Shepard’s wrist from moving any further. It wasn’t an encouraging grab either – it was more; “ _get the fuck off_ ” than _“get me off”_.  
   
Shepard locked up, face mere centimetres from Kaidan’s with his hand still tucked down his jeans, fingers relaxing against the hairs he’d been stroking.  
   
“I can’t.”  
   
He didn’t question it. There were a million and one reasons for Kaidan to say no, it was his entitlement to refuse him after all, they’d made no promises to each other. Still, it didn’t stop the crushing pain in his chest to be rejected by the man even though he’d been expecting it from the start. God, his head was a mess. He rolled off of the Major and quietly cleared his throat as the other man sat up and adjusted himself through his jeans.  
   
The silence was more deafening than last night hands down. So damn awkward and uncomfortable, but Kaidan simply stood from the bed and regarded Shepard like nothing had ever happened.  
   
“I think you’ll be okay to wash by yourself now. I’ll boil up some water for you to use.”  
   
Shepard nodded and closed his eyes. Once the door clicked shut, he allowed his hands to catch his face and moaned at the tension his utter stupidity had caused.


	3. Chapter Three

Serendipity was a strange thing. For the next week, it was like that incident in the bedroom never occurred. Kaidan was still the relentlessly domestic hard-ass, still took Shepard to the hospital for his physiotherapy, still helped him take his medication each evening, still gave him those horrific bran flakes for breakfast whilst he sat opposite drinking chamomile tea-  
   
 _Like it never happened._  
   
And it ate away at him every single day. Why did Kaidan reject him? Shepard wasn’t bragging, but he’d given the Major a rock-hard erection without even _touching_ his cock, how was it he _couldn’t_ go through with it? Each time he asked himself was like banging his head against a brick wall – fucking his head up but getting no answers fast.  
   
So he’d been driving himself insane with the possibilities. It wasn’t like Kaidan had erectile dysfunction, he’d gotten Kaidan rock hard for fucksake. And yeah, there were plenty of scars down Kaidan’s groin, hips, thighs and knees, but didn’t everyone have scars? Kaidan’d had a lot of surgery on his shattered bones on top of the burns he’d received from the Mako spilling hot fuel over him during the beam run, but there was _nothing_ ugly to hide down there. Nothing to be ashamed of in the slightest.  
   
Maybe it was the fact he was in his parents’ house where old memories stood out constantly for the ultimate experience in cock blocking? Perhaps he had a venereal disease? Hell, maybe the fuel burns made gaining an erection damn painful? He hadn’t really had a good look at Kaidan’s cock that night considering how dark it was, but he could see enough that the surrounding area was maimed badly by scar tissue from the fuel burn.  
   
 _Must’ve been a close call. Any change in the circumstances and Kaidan wouldn’t be a man anymore._  
  
But finally, 8 days after the bedroom incident, John got his answer.  
   
He thought he would be happy to finally have some closure to the silly event, but unfortunately, that night, he didn’t appreciate getting answers one single bit.  
   
He’d been making his way back from the bathroom to his bedroom, he’d decided sharing a bed with Kaidan was just going to make things worse, when he’d heard a light wrapping to the front door. Who came knocking at almost quarter past 2 in the morning anyway? He’d been about to turn round and head to Kaidan’s room to warn him about the person outside when he spotted a familiar figure head for the front door.  
   
Shepard secreted himself against the bannisters of the upstairs balcony. It looked out over the downstairs, front door, front room, a good chunk of the open-plan kitchen. He could see everything and be ready to fight back in a blink of an eye, knowing Kaidan kept a pair of Carnifax heavy pistols in the bookcase he was peeking out from.  
   
His hand reached towards where one was taped to the inside of a hollowed out encyclopaedia as Kaidan took the door off the lock and opened it with not even the slightest bit of caution. It was clear this visitor was expected. And at 2-something in the morning, it was just as obvious Kaidan didn’t want Shepard seeing this particular visitor.  
   
“I want to see him.”  
   
Shepard’s mouth dropped open as the visitor came into the house, pretty much pushing their way past Kaidan to get inside.  
   
“He’s asleep, Miranda.”  
   
“I’m sure he won’t mind being woken up.”  
   
The Ex-Cerberus operative glanced around the house, her eyes taking in every detail around her, every window and door – every entrance and exit – the habit of a hardened soldier stabbed one too many times in the back.  
   
“Look, you wanted to visit during the ass end of the morning knowing fully well Shepard was going to be asleep. His medication gets him drowsy and he has to sleep early if he ever wants to wake up before afternoon the next day.”  
   
Miranda turned towards Kaidan, her hands on her hips, her face unreadable considering she was facing Kaidan, who was standing at the now closed front door directly ahead of Shepard. But it was clear she was throwing her weight around as she prowled back up to the Alliance Major, her delicate fingers sitting on the round curves of her hips.  
   
Yeah, Shepard desired her once, had her too, but things got in the way and they’d remained friends, good friends, it was no surprised she wanted to see Shepard. They hadn’t seen each other since the war ended. Though by the looks of things, she and Kaidan had gotten acquainted at some point, enough so she knew where he lived… which was classified, Shepard realised.  
   
Having Commander Shepard, saviour of the Galaxy, recover from near fatal injuries in your home meant no one else could know where you or Shepard was. It was common sense. There were still lots of people out there angry with Shepard and his decisions, no use letting them get some payback whilst the Commander was weak.  
   
“Maybe I wanted to catch Shepard in bed.”  
   
John raised an eyebrow and resumed his vigil on the conversation below. He watched as Kaidan unfolded his arms and furrowed his brows, looking about as angry as he had when he realised Shepard had hidden the bran flakes in hopes he wouldn’t have to face them ever again.  
   
“Maybe you should get to the point.” Kaidan bit back.  
   
“Kaidan,” Miranda began, her voice decidedly less teasing once she realised Kaidan wasn’t in the mood for bullshit tonight. “I’m sorry, I tried to get away earlier, but those bastards at the Alliance research labs wanted a fully encrypted report on the behaviour of Reaper upgraded Geth. We’re still trying to figure out if they’re as harmless as they say.” She took another step forward and hooked a finger into one of Kaidan’s belt loops, tugging playfully.  
   
“You look tired.” She continued. “Are you sleeping?”  
   
Kaidan glanced down to Miranda’s finger around his belt loop, and then sighed, shaking off the bad mood he was in.  
   
“Got a lot of things to worry about.”  
   
“And I’m sure sitting in the dark until ridiculous hours of the morning helps.” The genetically perfect woman moved away from Kaidan and went for the light switch. “And don’t blame me for staying up this late, you’re still in your day clothes, you weren’t planning to go to bed any-…” She flicked the light switch a few times before realising it wasn’t going to come on. She returned to Kaidan’s flank with an inquisitive look and Kaidan sighed, shrugging softly at her.  
   
“Power went out almost two weeks ago. They’re rerouting power to the cities and leaving more rural homes in the shit. Self-serving, narcissistic pigs.” He spat bitterly.  
  
“Have you spoken to the energy supplier? Though I suppose you can’t use any of your legitimate excuses when Shepard must remain top-secret.” She stepped closer and Kaidan regarded her with a tired frown and nod. She was right, apparently.  
   
“The energy suppliers are no longer in control, it all goes through the Government. The decision was made and I have to roll with it. Still, it’d be nice to have a hot shower instead of scrubbing from a lukewarm bucket of water.”  
   
“You poor bastards.” Miranda whispered, scathing her delicate fingertips down Kaidan’s stomach, scratching along the way like comforting a dog on its back. Shepard felt his throat tighten. He begged any known entity he wasn’t witnessing what he thought he was.  
   
 _Please don’t let this be what I think it is._  
   
His hopes were shattered as Kaidan turned to the powerful female biotic and smiled, warm and everything Shepard hoped he could’ve seen directed at him… but instead belonged to Miranda.  
   
She was a kind woman, a little cold, but she’d been through a lot. She’d never meant ill-will on anyone who didn’t deserve it and unfortunately there were a lot of people who earned Miranda’s wrath over the years. Shepard had genuinely liked her more than a friend, but it had never clicked together. One night of sex wasn’t a marriage proposal these days, he got that, but he wondered if she ever felt anything back… He wondered if Kaidan was thinking about him as Miranda leant forward and brushed her plump lips against Kaidan’s.  
   
He’d tasted both of them, but Kaidan’s plush, scarred, stubble-burn inducing lips had left him in utter bliss that night, there was no comparison.  
   
The kiss broke with a sickeningly moist noise and Shepard sighed. All those months he’d spent recuperating in a hospital bed, he hadn’t considered how wildly things could change with his head in a drug-induced haze. So much could happen, and so much _had,_ by the looks of it.  
   
Kaidan slid his hands down Miranda’s back and chuckled when her fingers played with his dog tags sitting outside his undershirt, the open plaid shirt already discarded by the door.  
   
 _I should go._ Shepard thought bitterly.  
   
Obviously, Kaidan hadn’t been as alone as he had once thought, and he deserved happiness just as much as anyone else, but _Miranda Lawson?_ Ex-Cerberus operative with a grudge for the Alliance. Sure, Miranda was the most attractive woman Shepard had ever met, and that meant a lot when surrounded by the fittest women in the Galaxy serving the Alliance, but he wouldn’t believe Kaidan was the type to have casual sex for the sake of it.  
   
“How is Shepard doing?”  
   
Kaidan paused, Shepard could see his thumbs brushing over Miranda’s belt, eyes fixed entirely on her in a way Shepard had seen more than a week ago, when Kaidan was touching his skin, lips kiss bruised and mouth irritated from the scrape of stubble. A look that promised oh so much more and made Shepard believe he could have it, everything.  
   
 _Fucking tease._  
   
“He’s uh… good. He’s almost completely self-reliant again. His recovery rate is just… _amazing_. Three weeks ago he needed a cane, needed help upstairs, help bathing, would hardly talk, would sleep all day, all night and refuse any chance of going outside. Now, he only needs help with organising appointments, travelling and taking the correct medication. He’s approachable now, he doesn’t push me away, his overall mood has improved, i-it’s amazing to see!”  
   
Shepard smiled at how enthusiastic Kaidan was all of a sudden. Miranda seemed equally amused.  
   
“He still hates the diet I have to put him on, I think he’s starting to sleep through breakfast on purpose.” Kaidan chuckled, gesturing for them to sit down on the sofa. Shepard swallowed, ducking back behind the bookcase until they’d settled and turned their attention back to each other. It didn’t help that the sofa faced the balcony, but Shepard wasn’t an infiltrator during the war for nothing. He knew how to hide.  
   
“He’s the same sneaky bastard as before, it’s just instead of tactical cloaks and silent melee kills it’s more hiding the bran cereal so I think we’ve run out.”  
   
Miranda reached over and clasped Kaidan’s hand in both of her own, squeezing softly and squeezing just a bit more jealousy into Shepard’s chest.  
   
“And you, how are you dealing with…” She shrugged. “Everything.”  
   
“I told Shepard about my Mom. Must’ve scared him when I broke down like I did.” He smiled self-deprecatingly as Miranda shifted closer and ran her other hand over his neck and down to his collarbone. “He’s seen the ugliest things in the Galaxy. The Thorian on Feros, Rachni on Noveria, Reapers… _everywhere_ , but I bet seeing me blubber was probably the worst.”  
   
Shepard instinctively shook his head, rolling his eyes to the ceiling briefly.  
   
“And what about your health?” It seemed Miranda wasn’t going to grace Kaidan’s self-confidence issues with an answer, Shepard felt he would’ve done the same. “Last I heard your back was acting up again.”  
   
“Yeah, it was my own fault. Lifted a log wrong whilst chopping firewood and something just kinda… popped.”  
   
And Shepard shook his head again. He knew Kaidan had thrown out his back helping him up from a fall on the snow, but apparently he didn’t want Miranda knowing that. _Selfless asshole_.  
   
“And your injuries? Have they been causing you problems?”  
   
Kaidan smirked a little and leant back on the sofa, arms folding stubbornly.  
   
“Did you come over just to grill me about Shepard and I’s health? I mean, I get that I’m some old soldier, but I’m certainly not debilitated.”  
   
“I know,” Miranda sighed, resting her hand against Kaidan’s knee. “Just humour me, will you? Can you really blame me for being worried about the two biggest heroes of the Galaxy alone out here with no power? I’m surprised the Alliance hasn’t come and aided you yet.”  
   
Kaidan just shook his head, probably thinking the same thing Shepard was.  
   
 _For all I did, this is what I get in return? This is no life for a pair of God damn heroes._  
   
“So,” Miranda insisted. “Tell me about your injuries.”  
   
   
*        *        *  
   
   
Shepard had listened to them talking for a good hour, about the Alliance, about the state of Cerberus’ affairs now The Illusive Man was dead, all of it fairly good news until they breached into Miranda’s personal life, considering there wasn’t much more to say about Kaidan’s.  
   
“Orianna doesn’t talk to me anymore,” Miranda whispered as Kaidan handed her a mug of Chamomile tea he’d spent the past 10 minutes brewing. He sat back beside her on the couch, the confusion already creasing his brow. “After she saw what I did to our father, she…”  
   
Kaidan stopped mid-sip as understanding washed over his face, he lowered his mug and looked over to the beautiful woman in her black and white cat suit beside him. She sat with her mug in her hands against her knees, her gaze centred on the gold liquid reaching tendrils of steam to her lips.  
  
“She’s afraid of me.” She breathed, squeezing her eyes shut. “All that time I protected her from our father, she _knew_ how dangerous he was but _still_ she believes he could’ve been given another chance, that _everyone_ deserves another chance.”  
   
Kaidan opened his mouth to say something when Miranda pulled her head up from staring down into her cup.  
   
“You _saw_ what he was doing in Sanctuary. How many men, women and children did he kill for The Illusive Man, for the Reapers? He wasn’t indoctrinated, he was just some vile piece of egocentric shit who flirted with the idea of becoming a god damn dictator! He _enjoyed_ being a tyrant, Kaidan, enough so that his own daughters became victim of his fucked up fetish!”  
   
The Major placed his mug down and carefully withdrew Miranda’s from her too tight grip. Shepard didn’t like what he was hearing. That was a very strange use of the word _fetish_ after all, he prayed he wasn’t reading too much into her confession, but by the look on Kaidan’s face he was suspecting the same as him.  
   
“Men can be evil bastards.” Miranda snapped.  
   
Shepard pushed his face into his hands and shook his head. No, Miranda had demons she never spoke to him about. He knew about her father, had witnessed his evil first hand, swiftly followed by his death at the hands of his own daughter, but she’d never spoken about what he’d done to her to make her run.  
   
“But he was no man. He was the devil himself. Sick and depraved and-”  
   
“Hey, hey,” Kaidan finally intervened. He brushed the back of his fingers against her temple and slowly handed her chamomile tea back to her. “We’ve been over this. He’s gone and regardless of what your sister thinks, it’s for the better. You’re both safe now.”  
   
Shepard toyed with the idea of heading downstairs to get some answers out of Lawson, but even he knew, in his half medicated state, that doing so would invoke the wrath of two incredibly powerful biotics.  
   
He wondered who’d win in a fight, Miranda or Kaidan?  
   
Definitely Miranda. Kaidan was good, but Miranda had the upper hand in the fact she would mercilessly tear Kaidan apart, whereas Kaidan would be hesitant to harm a friend, or whatever the hell she was to him.  
   
Which led to whether or not they’d introduced biotics into the bedroom and- _Oh God, let’s not add to the nightmares, huh?_  
   
Lawson smiled and took a sip from her tea, relaxing with the aroma and the presence beside her as she hesitantly leant her weight against it. Kaidan welcomed her, pressing a kiss to her temple even as Miranda lent down to unzip the boots from her cat suit and kicked them off under the coffee table.  
   
“Thank you, Alenko,” She began, sounding ever the professional regardless of whether she looked it or not. “I didn’t come here with the intention of breaking down, it sort of… occurred.”  
   
Kaidan simply shook his head and smiled against Miranda’s hairline, his eyes falling shut, probably uncontrollably, he looked tired enough to fall asleep fighting by this point. “Stay the night,” He murmured. “I want you here. Shepard will want to see you in the morning also.”  
   
Shepard watched on as Kaidan’s arm slid down from the back of the sofa to gentle caress her long black hair, combing it between his fingers and dropping it back into place with each movement. And when she turned, he kissed her dead on the mouth, not giving her the chance to argue with the Alliance Major. A soft moan escaped her, and her black fingers instinctively grabbed onto the dog tags hanging outside of Kaidan’s shirt.  
   
Shepard knew he should’ve gone back to his room the second Miranda’s other hand strayed a little too high up Kaidan’s thigh, but the hoarse breath the male biotic produced was pretty… damn enticing and a favourable reason to stay and listen for more.  
   
 _Weirdo, pervert, voyeur._  
   
God damn, he was both jealous _and_ horny. An old lover, a woman he could never forget, astride a man he wanted indefinitely, a man who cared for him without judgement and who he’d… _fallen_ for. Shepard couldn’t do anything but knock his head back against the bookshelf and pray to God he wasn’t caught watching them like some creepy phantom at the top of the stairs.  
   
“You wanna do this here..?” He heard Kaidan breathe into the room as Miranda shoved him down onto the sofa and peeled off the top half of her cat suit.  
   
“Any objections there, Major?” Miranda whispered, her fingers sliding the zip of her cat suit down further to expose everything but her legs – God damn tease.  
   
“You need to remember I don’t live alone anymore. What if Shepard wakes up and hears us – or worse?” Kaidan grunted at Miranda’s fingers pulling the front of his jeans open and teasingly drifting up to stroke his stomach.  
   
Shepard wondered if Kaidan was thinking about him stroking his stomach, about how he’d been the one there a week and a bit ago, raking his nails through the hair and slipping his fingers below the waistband – did Kaidan even think about it anymore?  
   
“I want to try and make things a little easier on you, Kaidan.” Shepard closed his eyes before Miranda took off her bra, and slid back behind the bookshelf. “I’m sure a little stress relief would do no harm to either of us.”  
   
Kaidan murmured something, Shepard couldn’t hear what, and neither could Miranda, apparently.  
   
“Say that again?” She breathed, the distant sounds of kissing hitting Shepard’s ears. “Are you okay? You’re… you seem distracted.”  
   
Shepard peeked out from behind the bookcase and glanced down the balcony to see Miranda straddling the Major’s waist, completely naked down to her lacy black underwear – what a magnificent sight - handling Kaidan’s cock, a very flaccid looking one at that. Kaidan’s mouth pressed into a tight line as he frowned down at himself, at his lack of arousal.  
   
Miranda stared down at him for a few seconds, before glancing elsewhere and sitting back on Kaidan’s thighs. “I usually have to fight you off with a stick, Alenko, what’s going on?” It wasn’t an accusatory tone, but one of concern, at least someone was looking out for Kaidan, Shepard thought mournfully… he wished he was in the condition to be the protector again but he just couldn’t, not with his body trying to reject every form of treatment, his bones healing at a snail’s pace and his implants on the blink.  
   
“Talk to me.”  
   
Kaidan grit his teeth and pulled his arms up over his eyes as if Miranda had the bright light on him for this interrogation. It wasn’t a demand, Shepard could tell by the tone Miranda carried, but she expected an answer at least, even if it was a simple; “nothing”.  
   
Shepard knew exactly what was wrong, and he wasn’t sure if he should’ve been grinning like a devilish child and swinging from the balcony or running a mile from encroaching on Lawson’s territory. And if Kaidan actually told her the truth that he and Shepard had almost fucked after Shepard had spent the previous night near enough molesting him – fuck surviving the Reapers, Miranda would be the one to end him.  
   
“Listen, I know things are difficult at the moment, you’re Shepard’s soul carer and have to juggle working from home at the same time. The power’s been cut off and you’re having memories dragged up every five minutes you’d rather not remember. Plus other things you’re probably not telling me about,” Kaidan shook his head beneath his arms. “But you can talk to me, can’t you?”  
   
The Major rolled his head back on the sofa and pulled his arms away from his face, blinking his eyes open to take in the view above him. It was obvious that the pause which followed was spent absorbing the sight of Miranda Lawson in her underwear astride his thighs, and those underwear left little to the imagination from what Shepard could see.  
   
“Of course I can,” He finally sighed. “But it’s something I can deal with alone. I’m not Major of my own squad for nothing.”  
   
Miranda seemed bought on the explanation, glad it wasn’t something too serious – _if only you knew_ , Shepard thought.  
   
“Okay.” She glanced down at them a little anxiously – _wow, she must like Kaidan a lot if she’s getting all blushy and squirmy over him._ “You should get to bed, but call me, alright?”  
  
“What? No, hey, where are you going?” Kaidan pushed himself up onto his hands and sat forward to hold Miranda’s waist, his thumbs pressing into her hipbones. “You can’t leave, it’s late and well, I’m not letting you out onto the street in just your panties and it’s still thick snow out there and letting you catch pneumonia would-”  
   
Kaidan was silenced as Miranda pressed her mouth over his, kissing the breath from his lungs and the chatter from his tongue as she took it into her mouth and pushed her naked chest against Kaidan’s clothed one. Shepard bit his lip, almost tasting those plush, supple lips with a hint of lip gloss. His attention shifted to Kaidan, as it always did, as his fingers slid up from her waist and cupped her breast, his thumb brushing against her pert nipple. Miranda jolted a little against his lap, pulled back from the kiss and rocked her head back on her shoulders as a moan left her throat. Shepard caught sight of Kaidan’s hand tucked down between her thighs, pulling the fabric of her lacy underwear out so as to dip his hand in and slide his fingers along her delicate folds.  
   
“I’m not leaving you empty handed either.” Kaidan growled in this husky voice that brought goose bumps to Shepard’s skin as he bit at her neck and collarbone. “Heh, get it?”  
   
Miranda grinned at the Major’s seriously awful joke and clawed her fingers into Kaidan’s hair. Her hips rocked forward and she gasped loudly as Kaidan’s fingers probably slipped inside her, but Shepard could see his thumb teasing at her bud, rolling the pad of it against the small bundle of nerves until Miranda was vocalising her pleasure quite a bit.  
   
“Major, oh, oh Kaidan.” She whimpered, her hips rolling a perfect pace to meet the movements of Kaidan’s fingers inside her. He could see the moisture on his fingers from the balcony, the candle on the coffee table burning almost down to the holder, but no less providing light.  
   
Shepard wondered why Miranda wasn’t questioning Kaidan’s lack of arousal. Maybe Kaidan _did_ have erectile problems and Miranda had just come to accept that, but that didn’t explain why Kaidan had been so hard for him the other night. Shepard was hard as a rock just watching from afar, how Kaidan couldn’t become erect being that damn close – being _part_ of the action, Shepard didn’t know.  
   
“Kaidan-” Miranda yelped in surprise as the Major pulled her up and sat her further down the sofa and then promptly crawled forward and dipped down between her legs, stretching the crotch of her underwear out of the way.  
   
 _Holy shit_ , Shepard strayed a hand down to rub his erection through his boxers at the pose Kaidan pulled to pleasure Miranda. He obviously felt better if he was able to bend his back like that and stick his arse out as if begging for a fucking- Shepard pulled his hand away from his tented boxers and breathed hard through his nose, his wrist stuck in his mouth, to stop himself from coming at just the sight.  
   
Miranda didn’t need to hold back on the other hand. She took one glimpse at the position, received one probe of that wicked tongue and locked up tight, hands fisted into Kaidan’s hair as she gasped and trembled through her orgasm. Shepard fought to not follow her into that sweet oblivion.  
   
He watched as Miranda rocked her hips, pressing Kaidan harder against her until her body relaxed and she slumped against the sofa with a small whimper. Kaidan pulled away and licked his lips, sat up and pulled his shirt up to wipe his face clean.  
   
“Been something you’ve been looking forward to, huh?” Kaidan grinned down at her.  
   
“Zip it, Alenko. It’s your fault I have to keep coming back for more. If it wasn’t so good, I wouldn’t have to be such a problem.”  
   
“You’re not a problem.” Kaidan immediately frowned.  
   
Miranda slowly sat up and fixed her underwear into place. She grabbed her clothing and began to pull and peel it back on. Shepard was half surprised it wasn’t spray painted on that cat suit was so figure hugging.  
   
“Aren’t I?” She finally asked.  
   
“No.” Kaidan folded his arms. “You know you’re not allowed here, Miranda, you don’t have the security clearance and if they found out you were here…” He trailed off and bit his lip, worrying the texture of one of his lip scars. “They could take Shepard away.”  
   
“I know.” The ex-Cerberus operative whispered and bent to pull up the zip of her boots. “It wouldn’t hurt for you to come and visit me sometimes.”  
   
Kaidan smiled and gave a guilty little shrug at Lawson’s reproachful statement, he knew she wasn’t really angry, she liked to play hard, Shepard knew that too.  
   
“I have to get clearance from Hackett to just grab groceries. I don’t think this reason will fly with him.” Kaidan should’ve said that in a joking tone, but instead he sounded fed up with the whole situation. Shepard blinked. He had no idea how strict it had become, especially on Kaidan’s life. It was like a prison where the staff were just as locked in as the inmates themselves.  
   
“This isn’t healthy, Kaidan.” Miranda finally said what Shepard was thinking. “For you or Shepard, it’s not healthy. Being stuck in this house in the middle of nowhere with no power, isn’t Hackett concerned about this? About your living arrangements?”  
   
“It’s too dangerous to move Shepard now, that’s his command and I can do nothing but follow.”  
   
“You’re a Major and a Spectre. Surely you can pull some strings that even Hackett can’t cut.”  
   
“Probably.” Kaidan shrugged. “I can try, I never really… thought about it like that. I was just told to keep Shepard a secret from everyone but the listed people provided and stay in my house with him no matter what unless given clearance to do otherwise, Miranda… What you’re suggesting is pulling Spectre and essentially kidnapping him.”  
   
The genetically perfected woman smirked a little and stood from the sofa. “I never suggested anything like that, but now that you mention it…”  
   
Kaidan looked away and rolled his lips between his teeth, thinking hard and deep but getting no results.  
   
“It’s entirely up to you what you do with Shepard. Shepard trusts you to take care of him. _You’re_ the one caring for him, not the Alliance, _you_. He’s your responsibility. Do you understand?”  
   
“Yes, of course.” Kaidan shook his head, and belatedly realised he’d been standing with his trousers undone, which had gone unnoticed until he tucked himself away and fastened his pants shut. Miranda smiled affectionately behind her finger and thumb.  
   
“Pull Spectre rank and move. Spectres still have absolute power over the Alliance, and if you have Shepard’s consent you can go anywhere, stay with people until you have your own place to settle down.” Miranda paused, rolling her words over in her head. “You know, settle down still caring for Shepard, not _with_ Shepard. Unless that’s what you want.” She chuckled.  
   
Kaidan didn’t laugh and neither did Shepard - God damn she was biting it close to the truth. Or what Shepard would have _liked_ to be the truth anyway, considering Kaidan’s current relationship status.  
   
“Just think about it.” Lawson continued and ran her hand down Kaidan’s chest, thumbing the damp patches in the washed out black t-shirt. “Call me if you want any advice, I’ve had a lot of experience living under the radar after all.” She stepped away and headed for the door, Kaidan following like the good host he was.  
   
“Alright, I’ll call you if I make a decision, whatever it is. And be safe-” Kaidan cut himself off and reached for a coat – the coat Kaidan had gotten for Shepard a week into their living arrangements but turned out too small and Kaidan was keeping it for the sake of never having to step foot into a clothing store ever again. Shepard remembered his reason being; “ _Jesus Christ, why do men’s clothing stores have to have loud pounding music and bright lights? And I thought I’d accidentally entered some hot gay club until I realised the smartly dressed men on the tables were mannequins.”_  
   
“Here,”  
  
“Kaidan,”  
   
“Just wear it for God’s sake. I know it’s a guy’s coat but at least you won’t freeze.”  
   
Miranda stood by the door in this ridiculously oversized coat with the sleeves way past her hands and the large fluffy hood draped over her head where Kaidan had flipped it up and just smiled warmly, she must’ve been warm in the damn thing anyway, Shepard grinned.  
   
Kaidan knew how to treat a woman, probably knew how to make even a male Krogan feel loved up and warm on the inside, and Shepard felt oddly comforted by the thought.  
   
Miranda tucked her hands out of the sleeves and held the collar of the coat as she leant forward and kissed Kaidan on the lips.  
   
“You’ll make a great husband to a very lucky someone one day, Alenko.” She whispered, her fingers catching on the tags around Kaidan’s neck. “I’ll make sure they’re good enough, don’t worry.”  
   
“Thank you for having my back.” Kaidan smirked, his eyebrow perking up in amusement. “I’ll have to find someone who doesn’t mind half-a-man first.”  
   
 _Wait_ … _wait, what?_  
  
Shepard frowned and cringed at what he’d just heard. Either Miranda just shot Alenko down in the cruellest of fashions, or they really were having casual sex. Shepard’s eyes widened at the revelation. They were _fuck buddies_?  
   
“Kaidan, your whole lower half was maimed during that beam run. I think anyone who’s worth a second glance will accept the fact you have trouble gaining an erection. Besides,” Lawson sighed. “I only expect the best and by Lord do you provide it.”  
   
Kaidan chuckled and shook his head. “I appreciate you coming over. I needed this, needed you to slap me round the head and make me realise a few things. You’ve done more for me than you know.”  
   
Miranda shrugged her puffy shoulders, the whole coat hissing with the slide of waterproof fabric. “I only wish I could do more.” She whispered. “But that’s up to you. And when you make that decision, you know how to contact me.”  
   
“Yes I do.” He watched Miranda open his front door and head on down the path. “Safe journey home.” He called out after her.  
   
“Get your arse back inside and keep warm, Alenko!” She replied affectionately.  
 

*    *    *

Kaidan chuckled deep in his chest and pushed the door shut. With the click of the door, Kaidan stood staring at its frame for a good few seconds, before taking a deep breath and rolling his shoulders back. Shepard heard him mumble; _shower_ before he got to his feet and carefully sneaked back to his bedroom, his infiltrator skills working wonders to get his ass back in bed with the door shut before Alenko’s foot hit the first stair.


	4. Chapter Four

Shepard must’ve woken only an hour or so later as he hadn’t been in a deep enough sleep to ignore the shift of the door against the carpet in his room. He woke up, but trusted it was Kaidan just checking in. He usually did it and it had made Shepard uncomfortable the first couple of nights but then he started to look at it from a less stalker-ish point of view.  
   
Only tonight, Kaidan wasn’t left in the hallway as the door was pushed closed. He felt Kaidan’s presence in the room like the warmth radiating from the hearth and yet he still wasn’t concerned. Maybe the fire had gone out in Kaidan’s room and he was here in hopes of seeking that same warmth? Shepard had every faith Kaidan would attempt to wake him if that was the case and yet the Major didn’t so much as call his name as Shepard listened to the footsteps approaching the bed.  
   
If Kaidan was here to check if his and Miranda’s activities downstairs had woken him, he was either being damn thorough with it, or he was here on a different agenda entirely. Shepard kept the pretence of sleep up regardless, listening to Kaidan’s movements and feeling his presence close to him.  
   
He forced his body not to react to the touch of fingertips on his forearm, forced his throat to relax rather than swallow – what was Kaidan up to? What was he doing? John wasn’t sure if he should be concerned, but he trusted Kaidan and knew he would never harm him, so why was he so unnerved all of a sudden? Maybe because Kaidan had never done something like this before… or maybe he had and Shepard just had no idea because he was asleep.  
   
 _Why doesn’t that freak me out_?  
  
Slowly, he grew used to Kaidan’s presence in his room, gradually accepting his company as his pretence of sleep got closer and closer to the real thing. But something suddenly drew him back with alarming speed. He almost jolted as Kaidan’s touch returned, no longer on his arm but on his backside, round and pert and so damn sensitive to the Major’s hand he had no words to describe it. Shepard controlled his reaction and concentrated it down to a breathy sigh escaping his nose, something easily done in his sleep, something Kaidan wouldn’t get scared off by, because he was curious where this was going, if he was honest.  
   
The mattress below him shifted when at first he thought Kaidan had taken a seat on the bed, but quickly turned out he had climbed over on top of his form, straddling over his hips, the heat of his body so damn intense against his. The covers were pulled up and Kaidan slipped beneath them beside him, sliding his entire body up against Shepard’s back and Shepard forced himself still and silent and his breath steady even when he wanted to moan Kaidan’s name and roll his hips back.  
   
A hand sneaked across his front, Shepard drew his leg up a little higher against the mattress to accommodate the fingers as they teased waist band, then slid round the back to glide in between his ass cheeks.  
   
Holy shit, he was being molested by Kaidan Alenko and he was absolutely okay with it.  
   
Shepard bit back a whimper as Kaidan’s finger grazed the pucker of what he was slowly coming to recognise as an entrance as well as an obvious exit. He wanted that finger inside him, the way it stroked either side and pressed intimately against his ring, there was no denying how it made him want to squirm and push his face into the pillow to sigh in bliss.  
   
Kaidan’s finger halted.  
   
 _Oh shit_  
   
Shepard belatedly realised his hips had been rocking back against the finger probing him, his hard cock grinding forward against the mattress. There was no question of his consciousness now, Kaidan however hadn’t removed himself or his finger and instead pressed the digit into Shepard, going to the first, second, then third knuckle in one single push. He felt the solid presence of two other knuckles, one either side of the finger buried deep within him telling him it was Kaidan’s middle finger invading his insides.  
   
“Kaidan,” Shepard pleaded, clawing behind him to grab at any part of the Major he could reach, he needed movement inside him, he needed the friction, needed Kaidan. The man was obviously listening as he drew his finger back and pushed in again, pulled pack, inserted again. Shepard sighed into the pillow, tucked his hand under himself and brushed the head of his own hard cock with his palm, caressing his swollen, hot prick when Kaidan inserted another finger and this one was moist, silky and a little colder.  
   
Shepard heard the faint click of a bottle cap clicking shut – Kaidan had lubricant. He came in here with the full intention of sleeping with Shepard – the man was in his underwear and wanted him, wanted to be inside him.  
   
But could he even perform? Miranda and Kaidan had both mentioned Kaidan’s difficulty to gain an erection due to previous injury, what hope did Shepard currently have?  
   
Shepard gasped lightly as the two fingers inside him crooked upwards and he followed their digging to shift his weight onto both knees, spread apart to accommodate Kaidan as he pressed tightly against his back. He found himself moaning, his hips rolling back with every movement Kaidan’s fingers made into him, relaxing him until another finger joined the duo. Shepard hissed and his movements halted. Okay, he wasn’t indestructible, he got that, but after it felt so good with two fingers, why wasn’t it as good with three? He noticed Kaidan’s actions had stilled, his eyes squeezed tighter shut – _don’t be having second thoughts, not now._  
   
A hot breath ghosted across his ear, followed swiftly by a pair of soft, warm lips pressing behind his ear, soothing and gentle and everything Shepard had hoped he deserved and Kaidan was giving it to him, not Miranda. A few more lazy kisses trailed down his neck to his shoulder, a small amount of tongue ending each press of the mouth and Shepard arched, his body relaxing further to everything Kaidan gave him. The fingers shifted and dug in, pulled back, sank in deep again and repeated the motions until Shepard was writhing, feeling his body wanting to reject Kaidan and swallow him whole all at once.  
   
He’d heard a few lower deck rumours that Kaidan preferred to stick his fingers into every pie, but this was taking that rumour to a whole new level. Batting for both teams was one thing, but at the same time? If Miranda found out, Kaidan would certainly not be alone in his erectile problems anymore. Miranda would destroy him.  
   
Fuck buddies or not, Kaidan was technically Miranda’s property and she’d never taken kindly to those who went against her. Didn’t matter if Shepard was in a bad condition during his recovery, he would be decimated.  
   
A soft click brought him from his thoughts, a groan against his ear, a hitched breath released in a warm whisper along his throat – Kaidan was slicking himself and Shepard rolled his hips back against him, feeling the length of the Major’s hard, slick prick slide along his cleft.  
   
Kaidan was hard, throbbing even, how was this any different from fucking Miranda, she was more arousing than anything, she was all visual and audial and even Shepard had wanted to sink into her core. How was it Kaidan was hard for him and not her? How could Shepard get him hard and not the most beautiful and perfect of women?  
   
Maybe Kaidan leaned more towards men, but _Miranda_ , Kaidan, _Miranda fucking Lawson_.  
   
Shepard heard himself thinking all of these things, but the second Kaidan pressed the head of his cock against his pliant opening, Shepard realised he seriously didn’t care.  
   
He rocked forward, toes digging into the mattress as Kaidan sank the first few inches of himself into his core, he jolted, reached back and grabbed at Kaidan’s hand around his waist for a few seconds reprieve. The Major stilled, worshipping Shepard’s shoulders with kisses and small bites and John moaned at every last one.  
   
He reached back after realising he was doing nothing but laying there with his knees spread and a cock in his ass and returned the affection by sliding his fingers back into Kaidan’s hair, static popping off each strand. Kaidan planted his mouth around the crook of Shepard’s neck and collar and began to suck and lick, bite lightly and roll the skin between his teeth. Shepard was under no illusions, he knew it would bruise and stain his skin but he wanted that, wanted movement again, all of Kaidan.  
   
“In.” He almost sobbed. “All in.” _Or get out._ Kaidan complied immediately, his hands slipped down Shepard’s body to hold his hips as he eased himself all the way in until the base. Shepard felt himself constrict around the alien object inside him, his muscles trying to push out the invasion and he could hear Kaidan’s breath tighten at the sensation he could imagine was nothing new to the Major but was a whole new galaxy to him.  
   
Kaidan’s hands travelled down further and landed upon Shepard’s backside. John groaned, feeling the hands stretching his cheeks apart and forcing the small of his back to dip.  
   
This was all very different indeed. But whatever Kaidan was doing was relaxing him again, those strong, callused fingers gliding over his muscles, massaging the tension from his flesh as a small amount of movement began. Kaidan gently moved forward, layering himself completely against Shepard’s back and compressing him further into the mattress. Shepard grunted, cracked an eye open and glanced over his shoulder to Kaidan’s face tucked against his neck.  
   
He was grinning. Not smug or in pleasure, but as if he’d lucked out on something. Shepard had the inkling feeling it wasn’t because he wasn’t rejecting Kaidan, but probably more along the lines that Kaidan could actually get an erection to do this. He found himself grinning along and closed his eyes again, clutching his fingers into Kaidan’s hair.  
   
A broken moan left the Major’s mouth as he pushed in, then pulled out just to sink in again. Shepard mewled into the pillow and tightened his grip on the biotic’s statically controlled hair, he couldn’t help himself, he needed everything of Kaidan pressed against him, inside him, with nothing in between.  
   
He’d never done this before, but it felt like Kaidan was a part of him the second his internal muscles stopped trying to eject him, like he’d been there a thousand times and more. Kaidan’s movements quickly began to increase. His hips began to pump and Shepard could feel every inch of the biotic gliding over his slick walls, burying deeper, pushing his internal barriers further and further back. It didn’t take long for Shepard to start moaning loud and proud into his arms as he reached them above his head and sank the fingertips of his free hand into the pillowcase. Kaidan answered his moans with his laboured breath, a sharp thrust at a delicious angle and-  
   
Shepard suddenly convulsed and threw his head back on a scream as Kaidan struck this live wire in his body and sent a vivid series of fireworks past his closed eyes. He almost sobbed, until he realised he was indeed buckled over with a tears in his eyes and Kaidan had stopped. He couldn’t get his head around how fucking amazing that had felt, how full he was of Kaidan and how much he mourned the loss of movement now Kaidan was too concerned to continue.  
   
A finger nudged under his chin and he turned his face towards the biotic pressed up to him, inside him, ready to fuck his lights out with the slightest go ahead. And Shepard gave it to him, tightened his grip in that black yet greying hair and dragged him down to kiss him. Those plush, smooth, handsome lips dragging across his own, tasting of toothpaste instead of previous activities and a flavour that must’ve been entirely Kaidan.  
   
It took less than a moment for the biotic to realise he was indeed an expressive lover, which Shepard had discovered not too long ago himself, apparently. He still felt the blaze of pleasure setting fire to his nerve endings, the hot, raw sex dripping down his back and pooling over his shoulder in the form of moist, heated breath. A chain reaction inside his body, a coiled ball of concentrated pressure growing less stable by the second, by every slam of hard shaft of flesh, by every breathless moan caught in the shell of his ear.  
   
And it wasn’t fast, not at the pace Kaidan had set, but it was as powerful as Kaidan made it. He blessed and cursed the Major for the pace, the slow, harsh slam of his hips set at a controlled, leisurely pace – Shepard didn’t know if Kaidan was deliberately trying to send him insane. His body jumped forward with each dominant collision of their bodies, the sheets chaffing his throbbing, weeping cock but nothing came out of his open mouth even as it twisted and contorted with pleasure and the torturous use of it.  
   
“Let me come,”  
   
 _Like I’ve ever been in control?_  
   
“D-don’t need to ask.” Shepard gasped, a broad, rough hand wrapping around his cock tightly. Just enough pressure to stave off his completion. “Kaidan-”  
   
“Permission to come, Sir?” Kaidan snapped and cursed as his pace picked up, his sweat slicked hips pounding into Shepard with a ferocity made to bruise and tenderise Shepard’s arse, he had no doubt. And suddenly, Shepard was painfully aware of what the Major wanted – what he apparently _needed_ , what Miranda wouldn’t give him… what she wouldn’t be for him.  
   
An authoritarian lover.  
   
Oh, yes, Shepard could give him that, give him anything as long as he didn’t stop doing what he was doing with his hand and – right there, _right there!_  
   
“Come inside me, Soldier!” Shepard barked with his face half crushed into the pillows. “Make me damn well feel it!”  
   
“ _Fuck_ , Commander.”  
   
And that was it.  
   
The whole time he’d been worried about gasping and whimpering through his orgasm like some bad Asari porn-star wannabe, but seemingly spurred on by the shift in control, Shepard came cursing and shouting his pleasure whilst grabbing Kaidan’s hair over his shoulder like a champ. Kaidan’s hand fisting his cock chaffed just the right side of painful and Shepard found himself twisting and snarling and snapping out more commands to the man still fucking him into the mattress.  
   
“I thought I gave you an order, Lieutenant?” He hissed through bare teeth and barely drew another breath when he heard Kaidan whimper a curse over his shoulder. He felt the man behind him lock up, his hips jerking erratically and that was it for Kaidan too. Shepard closed his eyes and panted, his lips twisting up in a crooked smile as come filled him and warmth pooled over his battered insides.  
   
Kaidan’s body collapsed, but he caught himself before he could cause Shepard any discomfort, which was appreciated given Shepard still had more metal pins in him, holding his bones together, than a voodoo doll of a particularly disliked person. The Reapers voodoo doll for humanity, he didn’t realise he’d chuckled at that one out loud until he felt the warmth of his voice in the pillow. Kaidan was lying next to him, using the corner of the duvet to clean the mess Shepard had rolled out of. He was breathless and lethargic, sprawled across most of the bed and Shepard found himself unable to claim much of his bed back because _Kaidan_.  
   
This was near enough the first released he’d had in a long time and he couldn’t begin to comprehend how long it had been for Kaidan considering his _difficulties_. He wasn’t about to ruin Kaidan’s afterglow.  
   
So instead, Shepard remained where he was, letting Kaidan wipe the mess off him and throw the duvet back over them so they could get some rest. For minutes, Shepard lay awake, listening to the man beside him, tracking his breathing until the subtle shift that told him the Major had fallen asleep occurred. Exhaustion hit him like a Mako doing a backflip, his medication had worn off before he’d gotten back to bed and now, with Kaidan sleeping silently beside him, Shepard slipped off into the abyss, comforted by the biotic warmth and presence beside him.


	5. Chapter Five

Kaidan was a gentleman, Shepard realised in the following weeks. Apparently, sneaking into his bedroom and shagging him so deep into the mattress he had bed spring indentations in his hips was due cause for Kaidan to _never_ bring it up again, even though Shepard caught him staring at him over breakfast, lunch and dinner, from across the physiotherapy suite at Vancouver Central Hospital, when the cold weather locked up Shepard’s rickety metal-plated joints in pain and needed help washing, going up the stairs or even settling into a chair… He caught Kaidan staring like he wanted to breach the subject.  
   
But he was a _God damn gentleman._ He wouldn’t talk about it until he was damn sure he wasn’t going to be chucking salt into an open wound.  
   
“You look tired,” Shepard mentioned from his armchair.  
   
The lack of reply wasn’t surprising given Kaidan was face first in the fireplace, his front half blackened with soot and hair speckled with ash. It took him a minute to extract himself enough to intake a healthy lungful of air before he replied. But Shepard knew what Kaidan was going to say so much so he almost mouthed along with Kaidan.  
   
“I’m fine.”  
   
“Bullshit, you look like crap.” Shepard grumbled from his chair. “When was the last time you had a proper night’s sleep- that wasn’t spent face-down on your desk?”  
   
Kaidan snorted and ducked back inside the fireplace, careful to avoid the sharp prongs of the antique fire guard. Apparently, Shepard wasn’t to be graced with an answer. The stick currently stuck up Alenko’s backside seemed to be courtesy of Shepard, whatever the hell he’d done this time. As far as Shepard was aware, he hadn’t done anything to warrant Kaidan’s bad mood apart from maybe the untactful manner in which he approached the massive bags under Kaidan’s eyes.  
   
“Can I help?” He asked instead of prying further into Kaidan’s bad mood.  
   
“I don’t know, can you?”  
   
“I’d like to.”  
   
“How’re you feeling?”  
   
“Fine.”  
   
Kaidan pulled out of the fireplace again with an exasperated huff already leaving his mouth. “I don’t think _fine_ covers it, Shepard. You-”  
   
“Doesn’t it?” John snapped. “Because every time I ask you if you’re okay, if you need help, if there’s anything you want me to do, it’s always “I’m fine”. Just because you have a datapad telling you what’s wrong with me, what’s broken and what’s healing, doesn’t mean you can dismiss “I’m fine” when I say I am.”  
   
“It’s because you’re not fine!” Kaidan snapped back. “You’re still frail, you’re in pain every day and I can see it! You have pins and plates holding your shattered bones together, you’re on heavy meds and you can’t just ignore that!” He ducked back into the fireplace and continued to brush the ashes out into the bin bag on his knees.  
   
“If you really believe that, if you really think I’m not okay, that I’m some frail dried flower ready to crumble in your hands, then why the _fuck_ did you come into my room-”  
   
“Shut up.”  
   
“-And fuck me like I was a human being who could _take it_?” Shepard got up from his seat, pushing all of his weight onto his cane to get onto his feet, but he didn’t dare make a step, not with his concentration elsewhere and his mind clouded in red. “You didn’t care then when you were getting something you wanted!”  
   
“Shut. Up.”  
   
“So, what is it, Kaidan? Can’t get it up for Miranda, so when you do finally coax a stiffy, you come and spend it on me?”  
   
Kaidan stopped brushing and went still. But he didn’t utter a word, didn’t seem to draw breath. Shepard scowled at the lower half of Kaidan he could see outside of the deep hearth, gauging if he had any duck and run left in his weary body in case this was the moment Kaidan finally snapped. But he refused to back down. It was a clumsy approach, but if he could get Kaidan to open up, say anything, hint towards the problem, whatever it was, Shepard would call it a win.  
   
“I don’t understand you, Kaidan, I really, _really_ don’t, and I thought I had you cracked. Honest, loyal, a bit of a hardass, but you understood what it was to be in command, to be a teacher and a protector. I got a lot of that wrong.” Shepard spoke calmly. “I mean- casual sex with Miranda? Casual _fucking_ sex with Miranda _fucking_ Lawson, Ex-Cerberus operative – how the fuck did that happen?”  
   
“Just shut up, Shepard.” Kaidan growled from inside the fireplace.  
   
“What happened to “I don’t take those kinds of things lightly”? Are you just using each other for stress relief? Are you trying to be more to her? What? Tell me, because as soon as I know what’s going on there, maybe I can start figuring out whatever _the_ _fuck_ I’m doing caught up in all of this!”  
   
“It was none of your fucking business in the first place!” The biotic yelled as he swiftly continued to brush out the ash and debris. “We had no one, Shepard, Miranda and I. We were free-floating, not knowing what the fuck to do, tired of the war, thinking we were going to die, so who the fuck cared if we had an affair before we all went to the Reapers anyway?”  
   
“You started this during the war?”  
   
“In London.” Kaidan growled. “Before the beam-run, Miranda came to me. We talked, shared stories, laughed… cried… and out of desperation, fear, whatever, we turned to each other for comfort. We didn’t have any plans on surviving what was about to happen, or, at least I didn’t. Miranda wouldn’t have had to worry about the awkward reunion if I had simply died in the run to the beam, but instead I survived…”  
   
Shepard tilted his head, brows furrowing. He didn’t like what he was hearing.  
   
“And by surviving, I made things difficult. Stupid, hopeful Alenko thought he had a chance for a happy ending…”  
   
“Miranda only expects the best.” Shepard murmured thoughtfully.  
   
“Exactly. And once I’d recovered, I couldn’t provide the best for Miranda. Couldn’t get it up for shit, so we drifted apart and…”  
   
“And she only comes back when she wants something.”  
   
“Yeah, something like that.” Kaidan pulled out of the fireplace again and dumped the dustpan and brush on the black bin bag dusted white. “Don’t get me wrong, that makes her sound like a vindictive bitch, but she’s not. She’s my friend first and foremost. She comes to check on me, but… sometimes she needs something in return, something I can only provide 10% of the time. I uh… I did the math.”  
   
Shepard raised his eyebrows and slowly lowered himself back into the armchair, almost entirely convinced Kaidan wasn’t going to biotically tear him a new arsehole.  
   
“But,” Shepard swiped a hand over his eyes, frowning at himself and his aching thoughts. “But, I don’t understand. You failed to get an erection with Miranda naked on your lap, touching, kissing, breasts pressed to your chest and yet, when I kissed you…”  
   
“I know.” Kaidan sighed, watching his thumb picking a patch of flecked paint from the brush handle. “I mean, I don’t know, it’s… It’s complicated, I don’t-”  
   
“It’s okay.” Shepard whispered from his chair. “Erectile dysfunction isn’t something any man wants to talk about with anyone who can’t make it better. It’s hard.”  
   
“No it’s not, that’s the problem.” Kaidan smiled pitifully at his own joke and dropped his head, rolling his lips between his teeth. “I like Miranda, I really do, but she deserves better, she shouldn’t have to keep coming back to me only to be disappointed.”  
   
“From what I saw, she was anything but disappointed.”  
   
“You think?”  
   
“Yes. Miranda and I had a one night stand before going through the Omega relay. I don’t think I made her make those faces or noises even with a fully functional cock and body. You sir, you have some technique….” Shepard frowned suddenly as realisation washed over him. Kaidan was still seated on the floor, staring at him with a smirk on his face and Shepard hadn’t even noticed until that second that he had basically confessed to seeing everything that had happened that night between Kaidan and Miranda.  
   
 _Oh shit._  
   
“I uh…”  
   
Kaidan’s smirk grew into a grin.  
   
“Thin walls?”  
   
“Thin, but not see-through, Shep. I knew you were watching.”  
   
Shepard blinked slowly.  
   
“I may not have read every book on that bookshelf up on the first floor landing, but I know enough there isn’t any pop-up books about knees.”  
   
Shepard glanced down to his knees. God damn it. He had enough scars on his knees to know that his knees stuck out and gave him away as an infiltrator. _Stupid, stupid, Shepard never learning from past mistakes._  
  
“I’m sorry. I never meant to make you uncomforta-”  
   
“I liked it.” Kaidan utterly _purred_ as he picked himself and the bin bag of ashes up from the floor, leaving the dustpan and brush on the stone making up the base of the fireplace. “Maybe you couldn’t tell given I was more limp than a dead Geth hopper, but it really got me going.”  
   
“Oh yeah?” Shepard followed the biotic across the room with his eyes until Kaidan disappeared behind his chair and back into the kitchen to dispose of the ashes outside in the compost bin. “You got some fetishes there, Major?”  
   
“Oh yeah.” Kaidan answered once he was back inside. “Scarred, hairy knees really get me off.”  
   
“Tease.” The Commander grumbled.  
   
Kaidan rounded the armchair once his hands were washed, even though by the looks of it he’d need a good bucket-scrub to get rid of the rest of the ash deposits. Shepard looked up and met those amber eyes as the mirth died within them. He understood. Kaidan didn’t even have to say what he did next because he could see just how tired and at loose-ends the man was.  
   
“What are we going to do?”  
   
Shepard closed his eyes and hung his head forward, his fingers sweeping over his forehead as he mulled over their situation – the regulations keeping them in place, the threat to Shepard’s life if moved, the red tape surrounding the house compared to the cold, the lack of power, the measly supplies they had to live on… what could they do?  
   
“Miranda was right, wasn’t she?”  
   
Shepard looked up at Kaidan, waiting for him to continue.  
   
“We’re fucked here.”  
   
“I know.” John sighed and rubbed his face. “We’re cut off. No power, barely enough food to last us the day, no comm-signals and soon enough we’ll be snowed in. And it’s not like it’s been this way for only a couple of days, no, it’s been like this for weeks. If the Alliance was concerned over our lack of communication, they would’ve sent someone by now, anyone. But they haven’t.”  
   
“Are you saying they’re deliberately turning their backs on us?” Kaidan frowned. “I… no, Shepard, I don’t… They wouldn’t.”  
   
“I’m not saying anything, Kaidan. But what I _am_ saying is if we stay here, we die.”  
  
“We have to stay here, it’s safe.”  
   
“No, it’s not! It’s only safe as long as we don’t break that red tape, but other than that… We’re going to freeze to death, starve. What if one of us gets sick? I’m not qualified for that and my meds will only last so long and go so far.”  
   
Kaidan looked away and folded his arms in a typically defensive position, but Shepard could see how much he wanted to believe Shepard, how much he wanted to grab their gear and go. Shepard reached out and gently tugged on Kaidan’s belt loop, a silent request for some eye-contact, a little recognition. He was given it reluctantly.  
   
“Maybe we should head to Alliance HQ.” The biotic breathed. “You’ll be safe and-”  
   
“We’ll be split up.” Shepard insisted. “And anyway, I won this fucking war and I want to go somewhere warm with blue skies and a bar.”  
   
Kaidan looked up and around the living room they were in, his fingers gently clasping around Shepard’s tucked around his belt loop. He concentrated on the damp patch on the ceiling above the front door, one that had grown twice the size in only three days. It wouldn’t be long until things started to further deteriorate…  
   
“I tried my best.” He whispered and shook his head at the state of the house itself. It was only a matter of time before things became dangerous structurally, they had to go.  
   
“I know.” Shepard ran his thumb over the fingers linked around his. “Jesus, you’ve done things for me no other man would or could, I respect that, respect you… And here I am asking you to do more? It’s not fair, but…”  
   
“But we have to go. I know.” Kaidan smiled sadly at his home, at the place he was born and raised and… Shepard cringed because he couldn’t understand that feeling. The old derelict buildings he sheltered in before being forced to move on as a child on the streets, he never saw them more than a roof over his head, he didn’t build memories or remember smiling and being happy in those places. But Kaidan had here. And Shepard was asking him to leave it behind like he had so many other cold, powerless houses.  
   
“Mom would be so pissed if I ever sold this place.”  
   
“So then don’t. We’ll come back some day, or… maybe just you.”  
   
Kaidan glanced up from the floor and fixed Shepard with a concerned gaze. “Just me?” He blinked. “Where will you be?”  
   
“Where do you want me to be?”  
   
There was a few seconds pause before Kaidan straightened up and, as if Shepard was asking the most obvious question in the world, said; “With me.”  
   
Shepard smiled and tightened his grip on Kaidan’s hand, before using that leverage, and his cane to haul himself up onto his feet. He felt the warmth of the Major’s other hand splay across his lower back, steadying him physically but throwing his mind a hundred different directions otherwise. He let go of his cane as he lent it against the armchair behind him and Kaidan cast a wary glance at the abandoned aid before Shepard leant in and grabbed a taste of his mouth.  
   
There was no tensing of the muscles this time, no lack of response or delayed reaction. Kaidan opened his lips and Shepard dipped in with his tongue, rolling a languid lick over Kaidan’s as his hands held onto those warm, jean clad hips.  
   
“I’m cold.” Shepard shuddered, pushing his hands into Kaidan’s back pockets. “Don’t want to let go.”  
   
“It’ll only be for a little while.” Kaidan promised against his lips. “Just gotta grab our clothes, the rest of the food, your meds, crutches, wheelchair- just in case – money-” Shepard chuckled and pressed a kiss over the mouth in midsentence.  
   
“I’ll leave you to pack.” He whispered. “I’ll boil up some water for you to wash in. You look like you just broke out of a red sand den.” Kaidan frowned. “You know, if red sand was white.”  
   
“You mean cocaine, Shep?”  
   
“Go.” John rolled his eyes and hobbled off to the kitchen, the sound of his walking stick changing from thumping to clacking as it commuted from carpet to tile. Out of the corner of his eye as he filled the large metal container with water from the taps, he could see the biotic give the room around him one last thorough look, before turning and heading off upstairs. What Kaidan was doing for him exceeded the call of duty… it was more than friendship or mutual trust it was…  
   
Something else entirely. Shepard just didn’t want to name it yet. No use jinxing it.  
   
   
   
*     *     *  
   
   
The quiet hum of the moving shuttle always had a way of relaxing Shepard, even when heading into a death-zone on yet another suicide mission. He half expected Cortez to start talking from the cockpit and James to take another dig at Kaidan’s biotics not being as up-close and personal as melee even though they’d all caught the Lieutenant staring slack jawed at the Major at least twice during the last mission… But of course, they weren’t there. James wasn’t in the back, only boxes of clothes and a small supply crate of the food taken from the house. Kaidan was at the wheel, not Steve and the shuttle was a personal cruiser, not an Alliance Kodiak. It was comfortable and dark, no lighting on the inside apart from when a door was open like any old shuttle car.  
   
But still, Shepard felt comfortable watching the lights of the city at night go past, if a little irritated the power hadn’t made it as far as their home. _God damn safe zones, god damn Government, god damn Vancouver, god fucking damn Reapers._  
  
Being up in the air, though, gave the true extent of the storming snow clouds some credit. They’d been right to leave, Shepard realised once they’d broken cloud cover, a few more days and they would have been unreachable and the shuttle car unusable in such fierce blizzards. It would’ve been nasty. _We could’ve died._  
   
“Everything’s white.” Shepard whispered in his semi-drugged haze. They could run from plenty of things, but Kaidan wasn’t going to let Shepard run from his medication. He felt drowsy, his fingers a little tingly and his side ached from his over taxed liver being forced through another dosage of meds. He sipped gingerly at a bottle of water and turned his head back towards the city lights.  
   
“Yeah,” Kaidan breathed. “They’re saying the dust in the atmosphere left by the Reaper destruction is causing a mini ice age in places most affected by Reaper damage. More damage, more dust, more snow, more cold.”  
   
“Kinda like the dinosaurs?” Shepard asked.  
   
“Yeah. Like the dinosaurs.”  
   
Silence fell between them again as Shepard drifted in and out of consciousness. It would take a few days flying before they got to… well… wherever they were headed. They’d agreed to go somewhere habitable, warm, with a bar, and without a set direction, it was going to be a lot of back tracking and head scratching until they got to that promise land.  
   
“Shepard.”  
   
John stirred and turned his head towards the biotic behind the wheel, the small computer panel between them showing 00:09 am. He’d had barely an hours sleep between drifting off and Kaidan calling him out of his sleep. He blinked blearily and gave the man his somewhat incapacitated attention.  
   
“Oh God, Shepard,” He almost flinched as Kaidan brought his hand to his face, but he steadied himself as a soft material gently dabbed at his mouth and nose and-  
   
“The wheel- the… wheel, Kaidan- don’t-”  
   
“It’s okay, I’m parked.”  
   
Shepard finally registered the copper taste rolling around his mouth since he’d opened it to speak. Great. He remembered waking up a few times in the past month to blood on his pillow and his nose filled with clots. It… happened sometimes. Blood pressure would skyrocket as the drugs were filtered through his system and his nose would start to bleed, it couldn’t be avoided outside of taking more medication than he was already and that wasn’t an option with his liver so tested already.  
   
“Sorry.” He whispered against the tissue muffling his mouth. “I’m okay, keep going.”  
   
“No, I pulled over to get some rest. Your snoring was putting me to sleep.” Kaidan chuckled shortly, folding the tissue over to mop up the remains of blood on his chin and neck. Shepard closed his eyes and let the man clean him, his limbs too heavy and rubbery to warrant movement. But he could flex his fingers and touch Kaidan’s thigh from where his hand was resting, offering thanks through a gentle touch when his brain was too muddled and hazy to express it.  
   
Something was pressed against his lips a few moments later, and as soon as the moisture hit his tongue, he drank from the bottle until it was empty, not caring that the first mouthfuls had been tainted with blood or that it’d upset his stomach sooner or later. Kaidan didn’t say anything, simply pulled the empty bottle back and pushed it into the slot on his door, next to a full bottle of water.  
   
“Where are we?” Shepard coughed as he turned and squirmed in his seat to get more comfortable.  
   
“We’re just outside of Ottawa. I had to avoid the worst of the snow storms so it took us longer than it should have to get this far. But it’s stopped snowing, we should be okay here until morning, then we’ll keep moving.”  
   
“Do you think they know we’re gone?” Shepard slurred.  
   
“Can’t say I care,” Kaidan whispered as he turned onto his side towards Shepard and tucked his legs up onto the seat. “But, probably. Yes.”  
   
“How?”  
   
“Because I haven’t reported in. Usually I head out after you’ve been knocked out by your meds to a signal zone and send my report to Hackett. I haven’t done so. I don’t plan to either. In fact, I left my omnitool at home. Yours too.”  
   
“Thought hand… was lighter.”  
   
Kaidan smiled and took notice in the thumb gently grazing back and forth over his knee. Shepard returned it as a warm palm slid into his cold one, holding tight and yes, yes, that was home, right there in Kaidan’s embrace, no matter how little of him was being held. It was warm and welcome - a roaring fireplace to his trembling body.  
   
“That’s better.”  
   
He revelled in the next little chuckle Kaidan projected, but he was slipping away again. The drugs were too strong with just a protein bar to dilute them, though they hadn’t had much of a choice, not until they could safely enter a store to collect supplies without being recognised. Kaidan was already working on the beard, whether that was on purpose or not, Shepard liked it.  
   
Kaidan held him steady by the hand as he reluctantly let go of his consciousness and drifted back under his drugged blanket. He’d be there in the morning, that smile said, he wouldn’t leave.  
   
 _God bless Kaidan._


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gets a bit gory. Sorry. :D

The morning hadn’t been easy. They’d woken up cold regardless of the sealed shuttle. It had seeped in and Shepard’s pins and plates had locked up tight. He’d been in agony for most of the morning. He couldn’t eat, could barely catch his breath.  
   
He’d needed that bottle he’d emptied the night prior for far different uses given he couldn’t even get out the car for a piss. He didn’t mind Kaidan touching his penis, but for that? He felt humiliated and degraded. He knew it had to be done, Kaidan would’ve only caused more pain carrying him and they both knew that. But still…  
   
Eventually, the heaters had thawed out the worst of Shepard’s problems and he’d been able to eat his breakfast of protein bar, an apple and finally a cardboard flavour “strawberry” protein shake. All of which was currently sitting heavy in his stomach as Kaidan traversed the thick cloud cover and broke out above it to clear blue skies.  
   
“Holy shit, the sun.” Shepard whispered as he looked up through the long glass windscreen spread up above them. “Tan my pale white ass, sun, come on.”  
   
“It is good to see it again, even if the dust in the atmosphere makes it more red than usual.”  
   
“Who cares what colour it is? It’s there and it’s warm. Let’s follow the sun.”  
   
“I’ll just follow the navigational equipment rather than go in a big ass circle, thanks.”  
   
“Does that even make sense?”  
   
“Probably not.” Kaidan chuckled and turned off the tint of the windscreen. “There, now let me follow my equipment.”  
   
Shepard smiled softly at the man in the seat beside him and gave a gentle nod, before turning his attention back on the blue skies around them. He’d never loved the colour blue as much as he did at that moment. It was almost as good as the biotics that used to ripple across Kaidan’s body. He only hoped Kaidan would find reason enough to activate them again soon, it felt alien looking at Kaidan sometimes and not seeing that biotic aura around him.  
   
He briefly entertained the idea to see if pissing Kaidan off would prompt enough loss of control that his biotics would flare. Though, he quickly debunked that idea when he realised Kaidan would sooner throw him out the shuttle.  
   
“When were you due to return to service?” Shepard suddenly asked as soon as it crossed his mind. “I mean, we were both going to go back at some point, weren’t we?”  
   
“I don’t think that’s an option now, Shep.”  
   
“I think they’ll forgive us for a little vacation.”  
   
“But it’s not a vacation. We’re deserting. We’re on the run and no matter how romantic that sounds, the consequences are bad.” Kaidan glanced to his left. “Real bad.”  
   
“So, you were planning on returning to service at some point?” Shepard again inquired. A few seconds silence ticked by as Kaidan kept his attention on their flight path, before heaving a sigh and loosening his grip on the steering wheel.  
   
“No. I planned to return to the Alliance as a Biotic Training Officer. I was going to keep my rank but not actively serve on the frontlines, much like the position Jack held before Grissom Academy was attacked.”  
   
“Jack…” Shepard chuckled and shook his head. “She’s like a brother to me.”  
   
“Uh-”  
   
“Did you have an assigned date to report for duty by?” Shepard cut in.  
   
“Yes.”  
   
“When?”  
   
“A month ago, but I was assigned to be your carer and the date of which I was to return to duty got… blurred in the fine print.”  
   
Shepard watched the biotic beside him, before a long yawn had him turning his attention to the blue skyline again. It’d been so long since he’d seen it. Months. Close to a year, possibly. He didn’t actually know how long he’d been comatose in hospital or how long it’d been before he’d been released. All he knew was that it had taken a long time to get where he was now and he wouldn’t let anyone take that progress from him.  
   
Nor would he let the man who’d nursed him back to his feet again be taken away.  
   
“My injuries would make serving on the frontlines again difficult.” He whispered almost to himself.  
   
“Yeah.”  
   
“I think my time’s over as Commander Shepard anyway. I enjoy being just Shepard… or John.”  
   
Kaidan glanced over and smiled sadly and Shepard knew why. He wanted to be back on the frontlines, sure, he enjoyed the rush and responsibility, he liked being useful, but he wasn’t going to kid himself into thinking he could do what he used to. He wasn’t that man anymore. He felt a squeeze on his knee and looked down to a warm, scarred hand gently caressing his knee and thigh, offering as much comfort as a touch like that could.  
   
It was more than enough.  
   
“Whereas, you’re just too old to be a frontline soldier.”  
   
Kaidan withdrew his hand with a huff and turned so he could level Shepard with a firm stare. “Fuck off, I’m only three years older than you.”  
   
“Five, actually. Technically I was dead for two years, those don’t count as birthdays, so you’re five years older.”  
   
Kaidan was silent as he mulled those circumstances over in his head, counted on his fingers, opened his mouth to argue- nope. Shepard knew he was right, so he kept grinning as Kaidan sighed through his nose.  
   
“I’m still only 36. I’m not old, okay?” Kaidan swallowed and looked back out to their flight path. “I’m not.”  
   
“Okay, okay. I didn’t know you were sensitive about it.”  
   
“I’m not.”  
   
“You are.” Shepard insisted.  
   
“I am not _sensitive_.”  
   
John flicked an eyebrow up at Kaidan and smirked at how defensive he’d suddenly become. He chuckled and reached over, squeezed Kaidan’s thigh and inched his touch up along the inner seam of his jeans.  
   
“I think you are.”  
   
“Well, no one cares what you think.”  
   
“You do.” His fingers grazed the fly of Kaidan’s jeans.  
   
“No, I don’t.”  
   
“You’re angry because I think you’re old.” Teased the metal teeth of the zipper.  
   
“I’m not old!” Kaidan grumbled.  
   
“You’re cute when you’re angry.”  
   
“I-!”  
   
Shepard grinned like a cat with a mouse under its paw as he squeezed Kaidan quite boldly through his jeans, feeling the shuttle pull sharply to the left even through the inertial dampeners. He heard the breath in Kaidan’s throat catch and swallow back down as the man stiffened in his chair. Shepard licked his lips and traced the warm bulge of Kaidan’s flaccid penis beneath his jeans with the back of his hand, applying just enough pressure for Kaidan to twitch every so often.  
   
“Alright, I’ll be honest, K.” Shepard whispered into the quiet of the shuttle car. “I don’t think you’re old. You’re mature, you’re handsome, you’re a real treasure… But… I do, in fact, think you’re _sensitive._ ” Kaidan swore as Shepard grabbed him through his jeans again, squeezing tight but gently, rolling his palm over what he could feel of Kaidan’s shaft through the denim. It wasn’t hardening, but Shepard wouldn’t take offense to that. He knew of Kaidan’s difficulties and Kaidan didn’t seem embarrassed at his lack of reaction.  
   
“How’s that?”  
   
“According to the map, there’s a store not too far from here.” Kaidan replied flatly. Which was Alenko language for; _get your hand off my dick, I’m not breaching this subject yet._ Shepard promptly removed his hand and glanced back out the window, knowing when enough was enough.  
   
Kaidan was entitled to his down times, Lord knows Shepard himself had enough of those to warrant Kaidan a few.  
   
   
*     *     *  
   
   
The store run had been uneventful. The woman hadn’t recognised Kaidan with that Joker-equivalent beard and beanie hat covering the tell-tale hair bump, and Shepard had stayed hauled up in the car, given he needed a cane to walk and to most people, a guy as young as Shepard using a walking stick, though not uncommon, was definitely a dead giveaway if the Alliance came knocking.  
   
They then continued on for a few hours, stopping only a couple of times for basic needs until it was dark. Kaidan landed the shuttle car in the deep forests they had been flying over since they’d left the store, in a small clearing. The snow was beginning to thin out in this almost entirely uninhabited forest. Shepard wondered if this was a nature reserve or possibly forestry for wood milling, but he couldn’t see any beaten tracks or obvious signs of forestation, no machinery or cabins for workers, it was simply a vast forest of trees untouched by humans. For now.  
   
“Eerie,” Shepard breathed as he looked out through the windscreen. “Looks like…” He cut himself off midsentence. Kaidan didn’t need to know about the forest of death in his nightmares, no one did, not even that bitch of a therapist had managed to scrape that from him. It was his business, his problem, his nightmare… “Looks like it’s completely untouched.”  
   
“Seems that way, yeah.” Kaidan hesitated, before reaching to the ignition button and switching off the engine and lights. They sat in the black silence for a while, before the light within the interior of the shuttle car was turned on. Shepard turned his attention to Kaidan and watched as the man reached into the back and rummaged around their topped-up supplies.  
   
“The snow’s less thick here. Where are we?”  
   
“We spent the first half of today crossing the North Atlantic Ocean, and the lady in the store had a strange accent, sounded a lot like Kenneth Donnelly… so I think we’re in the North of the UK. I can’t tell with my navigational equipment shut off. I did head slightly north east from Ottawa, but not at a huge degree, so… we must be in the North of England, somewhere in Scotland.”  
   
“Sounds about right, Kenneth was Scottish. I wonder how he and Gabby are doing.”  
   
“Last I heard from them, Gabby was due to give birth to their first child.” Kaidan mumbled from inside the supply crate, handing over food in equal amounts regardless of his biotic metabolism. Shepard took a glance at the food in his hands. A fresh sandwich – holy shit, _fresh_ , didn’t matter what was in it, the bread was soft and spongy and the crusts were succulent and moist, he couldn’t wait to get his lips around it. A chocolate bar- not a protein bar – _actual_ chocolate. Cadburys dairy milk, the wrapper said in cool white writing on a purple wrapper. If chocolate bars could be sexy and seductive, then this one was a God damn whore.  
   
And a coke. Something warm would’ve been twice as satisfying, but when was the last time he had a coke? Had he ever had one? He glanced up to the biotic beside him and eyed his equal portion, his brow immediately dropping grumpily. “Hey,”  
   
“N’yup?” Kaidan spoke through his mouthful of what seemed to be a cheese and pickle sandwich.  
   
“Why don’t you eat more?”  
   
The biotic stopped mid-chew and glanced at Shepard like he’d just asked the dumbest question in the world - completely unexpected, but both equal parts stupid. “…Because we have to make it last..?”  
   
“Yeah, but you’re a biotic, Kaidan. You gotta eat more.” Shepard looked the man over and winced a little at the meeker man than the one he’d known from the war. He needed almost double the calories of a normal, fully grown man if he was using his biotics, but even dormant he still needed at least an extra thousand just to keep himself from deteriorating. And neither of them was currently hitting the average man’s daily intake anyway. God damn it, Shepard thought bitterly as he watched Kaidan swallow, the man was simply wasting away for Shepard’s sake. He couldn’t watch that.  
   
“Please, eat something else, Kaidan. We can grab more supplies later.” Shepard reached over and firmly squeezed the man’s shoulder, his tone picking up a desperate edge as he gave a gentle shake. “I can’t stand by and let you emaciate yourself because it “seems fair”. If I were a child, would you eat the same quantity as me because it’s “fair”..? No, because you’re a grown man. But you’re also biotic, so fucking add more calories, alright? I’m fucking _worried_ about you… I don’t think I’ve ever had to worry about _you_ , Kaidan.”  
   
“Alright.” The Major held up his hands and fished into the supply crate for another sandwich. “But I’m taking the steak sandwich if that’s the case.”  
   
“Good. Steak sandwich’s suck ass anyway. Especially store bought ones.”  
   
From the sharp gasp Kaidan gave, Shepard could’ve sworn he’d accidentally said something derogatory about his mother. John glanced at Kaidan as he took a bite out of his own sandwich, not minding at all he had a ham salad filling. All the better, it was nice to have something with fresh vegetables and salty ham. Damn, a bit of salt always hit the spot.  
   
 _Hahaha._  
   
“I’m not sure if I should make you sleep in the trunk or just kick you out right now.”  
   
“What? They’ve always got too much garlic. Or too much grease. I like to eat my sandwiches, not drink them.”  
   
“Hm. Well, thank goodness food rationing is different in the UK. It’s stricter in America and Canada because of how hard we were hit. The only part of the UK affected was London. It’s why the snow isn’t so bad. But the further South East on Earth we go, the hotter it is and the less affected countries, usually the less densely populated even before the war, should have avoided the worst of the Reapers – meaning, less population equals less Reaper interest, equals less Reaper damage, equals less polluted atmosphere, equals less snow.”  
   
Shepard nodded and finished his sandwich as Kaidan finished his second. God, now the shuttle car stank of garlic and grease. He pulled a face at the biotic, who simply rolled his eyes and produced Shepard’s pre-packed and sorted meds from the supply crate.  
   
“Take these before you finish eating.”  
   
“Yes, mom.”  
   
“So, that’d make you a mother fucker?”  
   
Shepard stared at Kaidan for a heartbeat before snorting in laughter and taking his meds from the small pot, cracked open his coke and swallowed them down with a mouthful of fizzy drink. He hid a burp behind his wrist and tore open the chocolate bar. “So,” He mumbled around his first bite of absolute fucking _bliss_. “We’re headed somewhere hot, somewhere less populated and less affected than larger countries, right?”  
   
Kaidan nodded, his eyes fluttering for a second as the deliciously smooth chocolate hit his tongue. A mutual mouthgasm over the British chocolate bar needed a full minute to pass before Kaidan could come up with a response.  
   
“Mm-yeah. We just need to keep heading around until we find somewhere suitable. It might take a few days to find it, we just don’t know how bad it is in lesser countries.”  
   
“Aye-aye.” Shepard murmured. “Anywhere in mind?”  
   
“No. Not yet. Like I said, we don’t know the condition of the less populated countries, it’s better if we don’t set our hearts on a place only to find it uninhabitable.” Kaidan explained and took his and Shepard’s rubbish to pack it into a separate, sealed compartment of the supply crate. “Keep flying until we find home, I guess.”  
   
“And then what?”  
   
“We find the bar.” Kaidan chuckled.  
   
Shepard grinned.  
   
The remainder of the evening was spent playing with a deck of cards Shepard had managed to find in the glove box and it went rather well until John dropped his cards and almost collapsed between the two of them.  
   
“Hey, hey, you’re okay, Shepard, I’ve got you.” Kaidan insisted as he carefully eased Shepard back to recline in his seat. “I think it’s time you got some rest, buddy. You look like you’re due some anyway.”  
   
“Shit- sorry.” Shepard mumbled, though didn’t fight the Major. “Nh-shit, that hit me hard…”  
   
“Yeah,”  
   
“Sorry.”  
   
“Stop apologising.”  
  
“Sorry.”  
   
The sound of Kaidan rolling his eyes followed Shepard into a peaceful sleep.  
   
   
*     *     *  
   
   
Something hadn’t felt right from the second Shepard had roused awake. He was usually quite adept at targeting a risk or a significant problem, like there was a risk assessment VI in his head Cerberus hadn’t told him about the first time he’d been rebuilt. He knew there wasn’t, but sometimes… The sounds of another human being’s body next to him were gone, and by default, that meant the human making them was gone too.  
   
 _Kaidan_ was gone.  
   
 _No… no, no, no, no._  
  
In his haste to find the biotic, he opened the shuttle and…  
   
Shit. The snow had blanketed the clearing outside of the thick tree canopy during the night. It no longer fell, but the snow came to Shepard’s knees as he stepped out onto solid ground. His legs ached at the resumption of activity. Sitting, strapped into a shuttle and not doing the simplest of leg exercises had been a mistake, but he couldn’t worry about that now with Kaidan out there, somewhere, in the snow, alone.  
   
Eyeing the surrounding foreboding forest, only one of many Scotland had to offer, Shepard was sure, his imagination ran away with him. What if Kaidan had stepped out of the shuttle during the night to relieve himself, and promptly gotten lost? He didn’t have his omnitool on him to navigate his way back and he was fairly certain he hadn’t seen any kind of maps in the car. What if he’d been dragged off by a bear? No, no, there wasn’t any in Scotland, at least, not that he was aware of-  
   
Shit, what if some cruel bastards saw him taking a piss and dragged him off “for some fun”? What other reason would Kaidan have to leave the shuttle at any point other than to tend to bodily functions? They didn’t need firewood, they were stocked up on food and water and they had enough eezo in the shuttle’s engines to last 5 years, why would he get out of the damn car?  
   
Why would he leave him?  
   
Letting the snow seep into his shoes and trousers, he began to pace as stiffly as he could, back and forth in front of the shuttle. God it was cold, he wouldn’t be able to make it far before his pins, plates and cybernetics locked up and substantially reduced his mobility… and maybe Kaidan would come back. If Shepard moved away from the shuttle now and Kaidan returned, that would only be problematic.  
   
But Shepard found himself going a bit stir crazy without the biotic there with him to ground him. His mind resumed its vivid paintings of what could’ve happened to Kaidan. Each circumstance seemed to end with Kaidan dead in the snow somewhere with various amounts of blood and trauma and Shepard felt his chest tightening, a small helpless whimper- where was he? _Oh God, Kaidan, what the fuck happened, where are you? Where are you!?-_  
  
“Hey,”  
   
Shepard spun on his heel and ducked over one side of the shuttle.  
   
“Kaidan.” He sighed in relief once the familiar face had popped out from the back of the shuttle. His brow creased to find Kaidan bright blue and rippling, his biotics activated. How curious?  
   
“What are you doing outside of the shuttle?” Kaidan didn’t move from where he was, so Shepard took that moment to wander round and see what the man was up to.  
   
“Looking for you – you should’ve told me where you were going.”  
   
The biotic blinked helplessly, as if Shepard had asked him to stand on his head and whistle the Canadian national anthem.  
   
“Or at least leave a note if you’re gonna suddenly disappear.”  
   
“With what?” Kaidan shrugged. “Scratch it into the leather of my seat? If you haven’t noticed, we’re without basic technology, no omni-tools, no datapads. Not even a pen. I suppose I could’ve made an intricate message out of the deck of cards to tell you I was going to be _just outside_ … I didn’t want to wake you, in other words.”  
   
“You scared the shit out of me.” Shepard grumbled and stumbled through the snow to the back of the shuttle. “I thought you’d been dragged off by a bear or some other predator.” He watched for a moment longer and then Kaidan stepped back from the engine of the shuttle with a sigh and killed the biotics.  
   
“There’s no bears in Scotland, except maybe in zoos. And the only predators worth a second thought are wolves.”  
   
“Wolves?” Shepard frowned.  
   
“Yeah, wolves were reintroduced into Scottish nature reserves to control deer and rabbit populations in 2109. Then the wolves got a bit out of hand and they legalised poaching. Then the wolves almost died out again and they’ve been protected ever since.” He caught the raised eyebrow Shepard was sending him and smirked. “I picked up some reading material from the store we visited. Just some leaflets to pinpoint our location. I didn’t get to read them until last night, though.”  
  
“Alright.” Shepard leant against the back of the shuttle and folded his arms. “So, just wolves, right?”  
   
“I was gonna tease you about the abominable snow man and yetis, but you look too sober for that.” The biotic activated his dark energies again and concentrated them on the engines of the shuttle. “But yes. Other than the weather, wolves are the only think we should worry about.”  
   
“And other people.”  
   
“And-… yes, other people.”  
   
“So, are you going to tell me what the shuttle did to warrant you frying the engine or should I continue to make small talk about potential predators?”  
   
“It’s frozen solid.” Kaidan flicked his bright blue gaze over to Shepard and cleared his throat as if holding back a grunt of effort. “I tried to start the shuttle earlier so we could be on our way, but the lack of direct sunlight and the sheer height of snow have the car grounded. My biotics should eventually thaw out the combustion cylinders so the thrusters have some ignition, after that, it’s a matter of letting the engines heat up themselves once they’re running.”  
   
Shepard scratched at his head and groaned. “You’re using your biotics and I bet you haven’t even eaten yet.” Silence was his response _and_ the answer to his question. He could honestly slap Kaidan sometimes. “Kaidan-!”  
   
“Can you not lecture me later?” The biotic quickly interjected. “If I stop now, the engines will become frozen again. I’m fine, besides, after I get the thrusters going, I’m not gonna be doing anything but sitting on my ass and flying a shuttle. I can replenish energy then. For now, I need you to help me.”  
   
“What do you need me to do?” Shepard inquired.  
   
“I need you to get back in the shuttle and keep the ignition rolling until the engines come on. Just, make sure it’s out of gear and that the handbrake’s on. I don’t want to have survived all those missions in the Mako only to be killed by Commander Shepard driving my own shuttle.” Kaidan gestured to the front of the shuttle and grinned cheekily. “As soon as this old girl’s engines are gunning, we can chow down on some breakfast.”  
   
Shepard studied Kaidan for a moment and rolled a few questions around in his head before pushing off the shuttle and thumping the side of the thrusters with his fist. “You would’ve thought she would have weather shielding against _all_ weather? Especially snow.”  
   
“She’s an old car, Shepard. Only five years younger than me. I remember when my parents picked her up. Should’ve seen the neighbours, they were so jealous they went blue in the face gossiping about it- though, they _were_ Asari.”  
   
Shepard shook his head, his mouth pulling into a smirk.  
   
“You know those richer families who upgrade their shuttles every year? Always wanting the best in sky vehicular technology? We weren’t like that. We bought a shuttle and we kept it, kept her. She’s just a shuttle, an inanimate object, but, as a kid, you grow attached to stupid things like teddy bears, action figures and… and stuff like that. Usually something that looks like it has a face-”  
   
“And you grew attached to the family shuttle?”  
   
“Well, yeah… yeah, I guess I did. Sounds stupid, but I used to thank her every time I was driven somewhere, or drove myself.” Kaidan glanced back at Shepard. “Before you say it, I know it’s dumb.”  
   
“I wasn’t going to say that.” Shepard reached a hand out, before realising touching Kaidan with his body in biotic mode probably wasn’t a good idea. And from the way the man gently flinched, he thought as much too. “I think it’s cute.” He sighed, hand dropping back to his side. “You were always such a hardass during the war, it’s actually quite fascinating to learn more about you.”  
   
Kaidan steadied his concentration on the engines for a moment and then nodded. “We can talk later, Shepard. For now, we really need to get the shuttle back online before we freeze our asses off.”  
   
“Understood.”  
   
Climbing into the driver’s seat after… God knew how long… was a bit intimidating. If he closed his eyes, he could remember the last time he was in control of one. Leviathan, maybe? Or was it during the clone attack? Okay, maybe he couldn’t remember, but he also couldn’t spare having his eyes closed when Kaidan was waiting for him, out there, with his ass half-frozen. He turned the ignition once he was sure it was out of gear and sitting fully on neutral and then gave it some gas as the engine gave a slow, rolling murmur. He’d left the shuttle open to hear Kaidan clearly over the turning engine, and he could make out the gentle sweet talking coming from behind the shuttle.  
   
Ignoring it, he flicked the ignition off, then back on and tried the throttle again, this time a different noise came from the shuttle, a bang, then a short series of coughs and sputters and- _yes!_  
   
The purr of the old girl was a welcome noise, something Shepard hadn’t realised he’d missed until it was back in the picture.  
  
“Woo!” Shepard laughed and clapped his hands in victory before climbing out the shuttle and heading round to the back. “Well, Major Alenko, I believe we’re…” He paused, eyes scanning the hunched biotic facing away from him. “What’s wrong?” He demanded.  
   
“Get back in the shuttle.” Kaidan growled with a strain. John stalled where he stood and shot a quick scan of the surrounding area. He didn’t understand, but he did find himself tucked back behind the shuttle, using it for cover. Only thing missing was a gun in his hands and a few more strapped to his back and hips.  
   
“Kaidan-!”  
   
“Do it!”  
   
“No! What’s going on?” His eyes glimpsed to the snow around Kaidan’s feet.  
   
 _Blood_.  
   
“You’re hurt!” Shepard snapped.  
   
Kaidan closed his eyes for a second, and Shepard felt his arm hair prickling at the heightened biotic energy suddenly surrounding the Major. Was Kaidan overloading his amp? Had he over taxed himself, was that it? He’d seen Kaidan witness a few nosebleeds after an amp overheat, but the blood on the snow was a little too plentiful for a simple noseble-  
   
Shepard flinched as the L2 biotic released his energy with a roar of power, glimpsing at the teeth he’d bared and the flex of his war-hardened body. The biotic blast was like a shockwave, but not exactly being the typical “shockwave” biotic move. Like an ocean’s tide, the biotics crashed through the snow and shrubs and green and-  
   
And threw several sapient forms high into the air.  
   
John hurried to the interior of the shuttle and fished around the backseats for one of the Carnifax hand cannons they’d harvested from the bookcase before leaving the house. But, from the looks of it, Kaidan had it covered. Shepard glanced up in time to see the moment Kaidan caught the three _humans_ biotically and shout in the effort as he _tore them the fuck apart._  
   
One guy skewered on a branch. The other pummelled into the ground. And the last? Shepard grimaced as Kaidan spoke in a low voice at the last man, probably asking for information. Whatever the man had said hadn’t satisfied Kaidan, and he ripped him in two with his mind. Fuck.  
   
 _Fuck_. Shepard finally managed to find one of the heavy pistols just as Kaidan bent to one of the bodies, or at least, one half of the body he’d dealt with last, and began to check his possessions. It’d been a fair while since Shepard had seen any sort of violence or blood shed similar to that that hadn’t been computer graphics or theatrical make up on the big screen. Not since the war ended anyway – and he hardly counted his own wounds.  
   
Trudging through the knee-high snow, Shepard approached Kaidan’s side and studied the torn body from the torso, to the lower half a couple of metres away, only connected by guts and gore. Kaidan seemed adverse to it, unmoved…  
   
“Who are they?” Shepard heard himself ask.  
   
“They _were_ poachers. Their equipment is typical for hunting, nothing’s military issue… Problem is, the UK has gun laws, strict ones too. You have to have a UK gun license to even own a gun, and there’s more laws surrounding _using_ a gun. Not even a US gun license holds any ground here, and I’m not seeing any on these guys.”  
   
Shepard looked up and watched Kaidan gently lower the impaled deceased to the ground. Shepard went about searching that guy as Kaidan went to the mess that used to be a man before they’d pissed Kaidan off. It seemed like Kaidan wasn’t all too obsessed with controlling his powers on living targets nowadays. Shepard could only guess the poor treatment he’d received post war had… loosened a few things.  
   
“No licenses here. No ID either.” Shepard called out. “Plenty of credits though.”  
   
“I’m seeing the same.” Kaidan stood from behind the bushes and flicked off the blood from his hands. “No glasses or corrective lenses either.”  
   
Shepard frowned and glanced over. “Why would you be looking for those?”  
   
“Well, last I checked, I didn’t look like a fucking wolf or a deer. So either they had some serious issues with eye sight, or they were actively poaching _humans_.” After washing his hands off in the snow, the biotic approached Shepard to cast a last glance at the former poachers around them. “Not surprised, really.”  
   
“What?” Shepard shook his head as they both headed back to the shuttle. “Not surprised? So, you were just expecting to be ambushed in the middle of Scottish woodland, huh?”  
   
“Not exactly. With the cities in disrepair and the climate still in the toxic levels in largely populated areas on Earth, the authorities are concentrating all their resources on the most populated areas, leaving these places completely unchecked. Murderers, abductors, rapists, gangs, they’re a common sight in the country. Poachers too. And apparently we were in their territory.” Kaidan sat back in the driver’s seat and buckled himself in, pressing on the throttle to warm up the engines again.  
   
“I’m… I’m amazed you killed them like that. It was cold and brutal… Words I never thought I’d use to describe you, Kaidan.” Shepard shifted in his chair and glanced out towards the eviscerated trio of poachers, their guns scattered in the snow just as randomly as their own organs.  
   
“I don’t know about you, Shepard, but I didn’t survive the Reaper invasion just to become some low-life’s hunting trophy. And they were going to hurt you, I wasn’t- Ah.”  
   
Shepard jumped and reached over, gently pulling Kaidan’s arm towards him and turning it to get a better look at his wound. It was nasty. The bullet had entered the side of Kaidan’s arm, torn open flesh and exited the other side. Poking and prodding the wound, then carefully flexing the arm, proved the bone hadn’t suffered any damage, but it was exposed.  
   
“Nailed you pretty good, huh? Shit, do we have anything for this?”  
   
“Medi-gel and bandages, that’s all.” Kaidan breathed out. “We have to get out of here first- can’t risk more poachers heading our way.”  
   
As much as Shepard wished to fight that, he knew Kaidan was right. They couldn’t risk more poachers, yes, but if they remained here, there was an increasing chance of the shuttle shutting down again.  
   
“Let me drive.” Shepard ordered. “You’re losing blood.”  
   
“Losing blood, but still conscious enough to know letting you drive is a bad idea, always has been.” Kaidan gunned the engine and put it in gear. Shepard glanced out again and watched the clearing in the forest shrink and disappear out of sight. Airborne again, there was an immediate sense of stillness and calm even though they were in motion. Calm, even though they’d both been caught in a blood bath that had ended in a blink of an eye. Truth be told, Shepard wasn’t all that affected by what had happened. Poachers hunting humans was just sick, especially with population rates so low with all species. It was better they were dead and the manner in which they did was probably more mercy than they deserved regardless of how gruesome and violent their ends had been.  
   
Their fault for starting a fight with an L2 biotic who hadn’t had his breakfast yet, he supposed.  
   
“We’re at a safe altitude.” Shepard spoke after several minutes. “Turn on the autopilot and let me look at you.”  
   
The biotic didn’t argue this time and fished the med-kit from the back. Holding out his arm, he let Shepard silently patch him up. Cleaning the wound followed by applying medi-gel, and then applying medi-gel glue solution to hold the flesh shut as it healed. The wound was probably just too deep for that sort of solution to work, but it would have to do until they found medical facility to see to Kaidan. Shepard finished by wrapping his work in bandages, applying it to the whole of the forearm and securing it around the thumb, but at least the bleeding had stopped and there was a chance they could move away from that incident and forget about it.  
   
“How’re you feeling?” Shepard whispered, sliding his fingers over the bandaged arm.  
   
“Tired. Hungry. The usual.” Kaidan murmured. “Only this time, there’s a bullet hole in my arm.”  
   
“Yeah. Though, if they’d had a better shot…”  
   
“I’d have a bullet hole elsewhere.”  
   
Shepard rolled his eyes and leant forward, placing his hand on Kaidan’s thigh and giving a short, reassuring squeeze. “Eat something.”  
   
Sharing out some food, making sure Kaidan had enough to cover his biotic metabolism on top of his calorie intake, they ate silently and watched out the window the rolling snow clouds below. Not another shuttle in sight, and only birds worth a second glance.  
   
“Eye spy-”  
   
“No.” Shepard grumbled through a mouthful of banana. “Absolutely not.”  
   
“-With my little eye, something-”  
   
“I refuse.”  
   
“-Beginning with-”  
   
“I don’t care.”  
   
“S.”  
   
“Sky.”  
   
“Nope.”  
 

“Damn it!”


	7. Chapter Seven

  
  
Kaidan’s arm was getting worse. In the two days since the poacher attack, they hadn’t come across any medical facilities due to the snow storms blocking any progress towards the larger cities of the UK. Glasgow was a no go, the blizzards had buffeted the shuttle and they’d had to turn back when the shuttle’s VI had warned them the engines were beginning to freeze. But Kaidan’s arm…   
  
Shepard woke that night to the sound of heavy breathing, fast and wheezy and… he opened his eyes to see Kaidan in the driver’s seat sweating profusely, clammy and pale, but still sleeping somewhat peacefully opposite him.   
  
“Kaidan.” He snapped, reaching between them and shaking the man to consciousness. “Kaidan, wake up- shit.” His flesh was hot under his skin, hotter than the normal biotic heat and he was trembling. He didn’t need to take off the bandages to know Kaidan’s arm was infected. There was nothing he could do with the supplies they had in the shuttle, Kaidan needed a medical facility and fast.   
  
“Kaidan!”   
  
“What?” The biotic snapped, waving his hands limply at Shepard to swat him away and get back to sleep. Shepard couldn’t let that happen and instead reached over and squeezed Kaidan’s biotic amp at the base of his skull.   
  
“Fuck!”   
  
“Kaidan, you’re not well.”   
  
“I’m not  _now_ , jesus, fuck-”   
  
“No. You’re feverish, you’re sweating. Your arm must be infected.”   
  
“I know.” Kaidan interrupted. “We’ll get to a medical facility soon, we just… we have to…”   
  
Shepard swallowed thickly and reached across the shuttle again to hold Kaidan tight by the hand. He couldn’t face seeing Major Alenko like this. They were running because of  _himself_ , for  _his_ sake…Kaidan had given up so much for him already and now he was sick because of  _him._ He held on tighter and brought his hand to his lips where he laid a kiss across each knuckle, then turned the hand over and began to remove the bandages.   
  
It was worse than he thought. The wound was oozing and hadn’t seemed to heal much at all. Some of the flesh was dying and he could see infected veins and capillaries under the surface of his skin. It was getting into Kaidan’s blood, and if it continued, Kaidan was bound to go into anaphylactic shock and that wasn’t something he could treat with a basic medkit. Shepard wasn’t going to let Kaidan die because of him, he wasn’t ready to lose Kaidan, nor have his dead body on his conscience, as selfish as that seemed.   
  
“I’m going to drive.”   
  
“What?” Kaidan coughed. “No, I- your drugs-”   
  
“I’m fine. Stop worrying about me. It’s you who needs help this time.” Shepard went about gently cleaning out the worse of the wound whilst Kaidan bravely grit his teeth and breathed through it. He needed surgery on his arm, that much was for certain. He was going to have a very pretty scar after this was all through… but if they left it any longer, he was in danger of losing his arm completely to infection. He wrapped up the wound after applying medigel and nodded.   
  
“Come on, shift.”   
  
“God damn it…” Kaidan sighed and dragged himself over to the passenger seat as Shepard stepped over into the driver’s.   
  
If Kaidan was worried about Shepard taking the wheel from that point, he didn’t voice it. For a couple of hours, he was silent aside from his laboured respiration and breathy moans and though Shepard would’ve preferred to keep Kaidan talking, it was enough to know he was still breathing at least. As time rolled on, and the Shuttle’s VI warned him repeatedly of snow storms blocking their direct route, it was slowly dawning on Shepard that the horrific weather was funnelling his flight path back the way they came. Before he knew it, the navigational equipment was notifying him he was over the North Atlantic ocean. He was being herded back towards the USA. Hm, maybe it was for the best. A beer on a Florida beach sounded good to him, maybe the snow wouldn’t be too bad there… Shepard didn’t know, he hadn’t been anywhere but the shuttle or the inside of Kaidan’s home once he had been released from hospital.   
  
Kaidan moved gently in the seat beside him and Shepard looked over in time to see the man cradle his arm and flex his fingers limply.   
  
“Hold on, Kaidan.” Shepard whispered as he reached over and pressed his hand against the biotic’s forehead. Too hot, the fever was just ridiculous now. Where could they go? What should he do? Fuck.  _Fuck_ .   
  
There was nowhere else to go except… home. There was nowhere they’d be safer and right now, they needed to forget the whole “running” plan because the weather systems were going nuts and people were trying to  _kill_ them. Pathetic, barbaric idiots hunting them like game, well, those men weren’t going to be causing much trouble anymore, not after what Kaidan did to them. Shepard tightened his grip on the steering wheel and felt his body bristle in anger.   
  
_I saved their asses just for them to try to kill Kaidan? To kill me? Fuck you too._   
  
“Shepard,”   
  
“Kaidan?” He shot a glance over to the shivering silhouette beside him.   
  
“I took you.”   
  
“Huh?”   
  
“I  _took_ you.”   
  
Shepard wasn’t entirely sure what Kaidan was talking about, though if it was what he thought it was, then this was a pretty huge delay to be suddenly stating the obvious. But Kaidan didn’t elaborate and he didn’t hold out much longer before he was slipping into unconsciousness. There must’ve been something Shepard had in his array of medications that would help Kaidan with his arm.   
  
_Shit, no. Most of that stuff would be strong enough to put Kaidan into a damn coma. He isn’t on any meds, his system would be entirely overwhelmed and that could kill him right now._   
  
There wasn’t much else for him to do. Kaidan was getting sicker and sicker as the hours clocked by. He had the shuttle clocked up to maximum speed and he was probably setting off every flight-speed limit VI he went past, but they’d have to worry about the fines later. He had damn good reason to be breaking the speed limits anyway.   
  
_Example specimen A: Kaidan Alenko dying in the passenger seat._   
  
Example specimen A was currently out for the count and getting some much needed rest, Shepard hoped, so he concentrated on getting them home again. Fast. The sound barrier had been broken a while ago and the speed fines were probably rolling into four digits, but  _Specimen A._   
  
Civilisation slowly broke through cloud cover, and Shepard took the speed down a few notches as he set the shuttle on auto pilot to wing them the final few miles back to Kaidan’s home. The place was falling apart and powerless, but it was a roof and a warm bed and toasty fire and somewhere Kaidan could rest and recuperate from his injury…   
  
Even powerless it offered more of a haven than the idea of being somewhere warm with a bar. Especially since that idea didn’t offer medical treatment, hell, it was  _just_ an idea, some nameless place they’d been chasing in their desperate attempt to find someplace better. Truth was, there was nothing better than Kaidan’s old childhood home, the home that stank of damp and exhausted hearths, that held painful memory after painful memory for the man who’d taken him under his wing and nursed him to his feet again.   
  
Shepard had taken Kaidan from his home, his comfort zone, and now he was bringing him back. What a waste of time, what a wasted journey? He could only guess what the hell they were going to tell Hackett and the rest of the Alliance who were probably hunting them down by now. What would they tell their worried friends? What would they tell Miranda? No doubt she’d tried to visit and found them and their necessities gone.   
  
“ _Destination reached. Powering down._ ”   
  
Shepard hadn’t even noticed he’d been dozing off until the rattily synthetic voice of the old shuttle roused him. Kaidan was still breathing as if he’d just finished a marathon, and by the sweat pouring off him, he may as well have. But Shepard had to get him inside, get him horizontal and tend to his wound as best he could. Call EMS. And run for the hills when Kaidan woke up in hospital because Kaidan  _hated_ hospitals.   
  
He’d never said as much, but Shepard hadn’t missed the times Kaidan cringed at being inside a hospital for Shepard’s sake. Never mind if it were for Kaidan’s own good, he’d still give Shepard a hard time for being stuck there.   
  
Shepard carried the fully grown man bridal style back into the house they’d left behind almost a week ago. From all appearances, it was like they’d never left. Nothing had been disturbed, nothing had changed beside the layering of dust that otherwise would’ve been disturbed by a living household. It was eerie and haunting without any light or life… Shepard didn’t envy Kaidan one minute for having to live in the house alone for so long after the war.   
  
Movement from his peripheral dragged his attention from Kaidan just as he settled the man on the sofa in the darkness.   
  
“Shepard!”   
  
“Miranda?” He didn’t budge, not from Kaidan, not when he was needed, not when Kaidan was veering in and out of consciousness at a disturbing rate. He held onto Kaidan’s hand tight and listened as Miranda walked from the kitchen and into the living room.   
  
“What happened? Where have you been?”   
  
“Kaidan took your advice. We tried to find a better life, but then we were attacked by poachers and Kaidan got shot and the weather systems are so fucked and-”   
  
“Poachers?” Miranda frowned as she knelt down with a gentle click of her legs. “How far did you get?”   
  
“Scotland, we think. It took us days because of the snow storms. We went round in circles after Kaidan got shot looking for a medical facility, but we found nothing. Eventually, Kaidan fell into this mess and I had to get us somewhere safe. It’s not ideal, but… this is the closest thing to home either of us have right now.” Shepard sighed and dug around until he found his omnitool next to Kaidan’s on the kitchen table. “I’ve gotta call EMS, he’s-”   
  
“No. No EMS, Shepard. We can take care of him.”   
  
“How? We have no power, no hot water, nothing to sterilise his wounds- Miranda, this is a life threatening injury, he has to get professional medical help.” Shepard snapped as he strode into the living room. “This is beyond our training.”   
  
“You think I don’t know that?” Miranda stood from the lifeless biotic and paced up and down the length of the sofa, her delicate fingers raking through her hair and tossing it back over her shoulders. “Shit, Shepard, there’s… there’s something you need to know.”   
  
Shepard rose an inquisitive eyebrow as he stooped low and checked Kaidan’s temperature again. He’d brought a damp towel from the kitchen and it dripped water rhythmically onto the carpet before he pressed it to the feverish forehead turned away from him. “What is it..?”   
  
“It’s not so much “it”, Shepard. There are a lot of things that have… they’ve snowballed and… Well, it’s going to look very bad for Kaidan, but honestly, Shepard, he had your best interests at heart, you know that.”   
  
“What is it, Miranda?”   
  
Lawson shifted on her heels next to Shepard, looking every bit as though she was facing down a heavy mech without a weapon and her biotics supressed. A sure sign something was very wrong when Miranda Lawson, ice queen, looked worried.   
  
“The Alliance is looking for you, Shepard. Both you and Kaidan.”   
  
“I guessed as much. We took a risk going on the run like we did… How much trouble are we in?”   
  
“No, Shepard.” Miranda sighed and took a seat in the armchair beside the occupied sofa. “The Alliance has been looking for you for weeks… ever since you were discharged from the hospital.” She explained.   
  
“What? They… they know where I am, they sent me here, to Kaidan, to be recuperated.” He frowned. “Miranda, what aren’t you telling me?”   
  
“The Alliance don’t know where you are. And we’re trying to keep it that way. Kaidan more so.”   
  
“What?”   
  
“People were asking a lot of questions, Shepard. What happened on the crucible? What did you do? How did you activate it? The Alliance want to keep that information secret and the only person who knows more about it than them, is you. And if you were to, say, I don’t know, conveniently die of the injuries you sustained when the crucible crash landed on earth? That would’ve solved the Alliance’s problems.” Miranda leant forward in her seat to firmly catch Shepard’s eye. “So Kaidan pulled spectre and broke you out of the military hospital the Alliance had dumped you in.”   
  
“No, not that’s not right, Alliance officers escorted me here, you’re mistaken you-”   
  
“Those were Kaidan’s most trusted biotic spec ops students. They were part of the act. You were, still are, recovering. If you knew about any of this, your progress could’ve been stunted. Kaidan stole you out from under the Alliance and thwarted their sick plan to just “sweep it under the carpet”. You know they’re capable of this, you know they did the same thing with your death after the collector attack on the first Normandy to sweep the Reapers under the carpet too. Whatever happened on the crucible…?”   
  
“I’m not talking about that.” Shepard barked as he withdrew from tending to Kaidan and paced off round the living room. “He took me? That’s what he was getting at in the shuttle? He  _took_ me?”   
  
“He  _saved_ you, Shepard. Without him, you were going to rot in an Alliance medical facility. Kaidan found out what they were doing and saved you. They’ve finally figured out he did it, but they thankfully haven’t found you yet.”   
  
“But Hackett-”   
  
“He’s in on this too, but his word can only go so far, Shepard. And he’s been stonewalled into complete silence. At the moment, he could be gunned down for treason for even uttering a word in your favour. It’s rough and it sounds ridiculous, but as long as humanity knows what happened on the crucible and no one else, no other species, then humanity is going to have the upper hand on the galaxy. As long as the other races believe humanity can build and fire a weapon as devastating as the crucible again, then we’ve won.” Miranda looked like she wanted to spit at the words in her mouth and huffed as she gazed worriedly down at Kaidan on the sofa.   
  
“That’s their reason, Shepard… Kaidan wouldn’t stand for it… So he saved you and brought you here. I don’t know if Kaidan was referring to saving you when he said “took you”, but I know he’s had severe guilt over the matter ever since he put the plan in motion. He’s not guilty that he did it, he’s guilty because he had to lie to you this whole time.”   
  
“He brought me here…  _Here_ … Wouldn’t the Alliance check this place first? I mean, it’s Kaidan’s childhood home for fucks sake!”   
  
“No, it’s not.” Miranda sighed. “I don’t know if he told you that, or you just assumed. As far as the Alliance is aware, this house is owned by an elderly couple living out their twilight years in the peaceful forests of Canada. They have no reason to suspect  _you_ are here. But, of course, they can’t suddenly announce a man-hunt for you and Kaidan, because then they’d have to explain why and what they did. So they don’t have media for a galaxy wide hunt on their side.”   
  
“Wait, no.” Shepard shook his head and sat on the space behind Kaidan’s tucked up knees on the sofa. “I’m confused. I caught you and Kaidan talking a couple of weeks ago, you came round late, you spoke as if the Alliance were the ones trying to protect me, not who I was being protected from.”   
  
“It was staged.” Miranda spoke easily. “Kaidan thought you were beginning to suspect, and he didn’t want you to suffer the true extent of the shit you were in.”   
  
“You’re telling me you staged that? You staged me just magically coming out of my room and you magically knowing when to knock on the door to catch my attention.” Shepard scowled at the genetically perfected woman. “This is bullshit. If you knew I was there, why have sex in front of me?”   
  
“Why not? You’ve seen me naked before, Shepard. We had our fun and so did Kaidan and I. Besides, it was my plan to make things a little kinkier than expected, not Kaidan’s. I’m only surprised he went along with it so well.” Miranda paused, her heels clicking on the hardwood floor as she paced closer to Shepard. “And there’s no such thing as magic, Shepard. I’m just  _very_ good at manipulating a situation.   
  
Shepard growled and rubbed vigorously at his tired, sore eyes. Too much information, but he felt prompted to continue to ask questions, maybe then he’d be able to understand. Or his head would explode. Either or.   
  
“Is that all he’s been lying to me about?”   
  
Miranda hesitated as she pulled absently on a lock of black hair and twirled it around her slim finger.   
  
“Your medication isn’t cheap, Shepard.”   
  
Shepard glanced up from under dropped brows. What was that supposed to mean?   
  
“The medication, the physiotherapy, the physio-equipment like your wheelchair and cane… Kaidan funded all of that and it sucked his savings dry so he had to start making sacrifices.” She gestured vaguely to the darkened home around them. “We’ve all survived on living lean, so what’s the first thing to go?”   
  
“The power…” Shepard breathed. No, no, Kaidan wouldn’t do that… Why would he? What did Shepard ever do for Kaidan to warrant this level of sacrifice? Living in poverty for his sake? Why? Fuck, Shepard couldn’t process it, all he felt was guilt and shame and sickness in his core that churned and twisted into a vicious ache that wouldn’t leave no matter how much he rationalised.   
  
“Exactly.” Miranda whispered. “I tried to offer help. I wanted to at least pay for the power, but he wouldn’t let me. He said if he was caught, he wanted no ties to me or anyone else in support of what Kaidan’s doing. Selfless bastard wouldn’t even let me buy groceries even when your cupboards were bear and your shuttle broken down. Only thing he’d let me do was walk with him to the store, as long as I was somewhat disguised.”   
  
“Fuck.” Shepard sighed hard and turned his attention down to the man sprawled out beside him, his breathing heavy in his unconscious state. “I don’t get it. He could’ve just told me, I would’ve understood… There was no need to lie and lie. He’s done so much for me and I didn’t even know it.”   
  
Miranda nodded and looked down to her hands, absently rubbing at her palms through the soft, yet resilient fabric of her cat suit gloves. “He’s a good man, Shepard. You know that as much as I do. He wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t in your best interest. Without him, you’d be dead-”   
  
“And because of me, he’s dying instead.” Shepard snapped. “Those poachers weren’t poachers were they? Who were they Miranda? You’re full of answers, so go on, tell me.”   
  
“They were probably mercenaries.” She sighed. “The Alliance has put a large sum of money on Kaidan’s head, yours too, probably, but of course, it’s all top secret. We only found out recently through Liara and her shadow broker agents.”   
  
“Kaidan told me they were poachers. They  _looked_ like poachers… But they had a lot of credits on them… Not many poachers roam with that much cash.” Shepard shook his head again. It was beginning to make sense, but not by a whole lot. “It makes sense that they were mercenaries.”   
  
“It’s a lot less trouble to be suspected of being a poacher rather than a mercenary. A slap on the wrist if you’re caught as a poacher. Life in prison as a mercenary. It’s a good tactic to be undercover. What did you do with the mercenaries, if you don’t mind me asking?”   
  
“Kaidan tore them to pieces with his biotics. He probably recognised them as mercenaries, it’s probably why he reacted with such cold blooded violence. It was… a shock to see him that angry.”   
  
“He was also protecting you, Shepard.” Miranda whispered softly. “To sacrifice so much for you, to keep you alive and living rather than surviving only to let you get killed by a mercenary? I would’ve reacted the same way.” She stopped and gestured down to Kaidan. “Maybe we should treat Kaidan before he gets any worse, aye? When he wakes up, you can ask him your 101 questions.”   
  
Shepard smiled half-heartedly and turned to the unconscious biotic. Kaidan had stopped sweating, the damp cloth was cooling his fever, though Shepard wasn’t entirely sure if his fever had broken or not, hopefully it had. His breathing was slowing from its rapid pace and as Shepard gently pulled Kaidan’s arm into his lap, he felt the flesh beneath his fingers had returned to normal temperature. It needed some serious work, the wound was oozing black blood and puss, and even Shepard cringed after a while of draining the infected flesh, before he watched Miranda carefully and thoroughly sterilising the wound.   
  
“Staphylococcus infection. Easily treated with medigel. He’ll need to take antibiotics to combat any infection of the blood for a few days. You should have antibiotics in your medicine crate. I believe it was part of your drug therapy for a few weeks.”   
  
“I… I yeah, yeah, it was um… Amoxicillin.” Shepard muttered as he got up and fetched his old medicines from the cupboard in the kitchen. He grabbed the antibiotics and headed back to Miranda to resume vigil over her treatment of the wound.   
  
His vigil was silent, as was Miranda, as was Kaidan and the house around them muted by the blanket of snow. He wondered, briefly, if the cold air biting at the tips of his fingers aided Kaidan in his feverish state. Well, it certainly wasn’t helping anyone else, he thought as he pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his fingers. And he didn’t seem to be the only one affected by the cold as he watched Miranda’s delicate fingers trembling as they weaved the needle in and out of infected flesh, their breaths wavering puffs of mist.   
  
“Why are you here, Miranda?” Shepard frowned as his slow brain belatedly pushed the issue. The ex-cerberus operative paused minutely, but Shepard saw it, the waver in her tightly controlled rhythm of stitching Kaidan’s arm shut.   
  
“I hadn’t heard from Kaidan. I was worried.” She spoke. “He usually contacts me every day to find out where the Alliance’s manhunt for you two is at now that I’m working for them… little do they know I’m harbouring both you and Major Alenko. Idiots.”   
  
“ _You’re_ harbouring us?” Shepard scuffed the rug straight with his foot and gave the dark haired beauty - the  _female_ one – a hard stare. “Talk to me, Miranda.”   
  
“You  _really_ enjoy asking questions, don’t you? I almost forgot your habit of asking every damn stranger’s backstory when we worked together, Shepard. But alright,” She sighed and pushed herself up onto her heels once she’d finished wrapping Kaidan’s arm in a tight bandage with gauze. “I didn’t work my arse off bringing you back to life, suffering the Illusive Man’s bullshit just to watch you being “brushed under the carpet” by the Alliance. As far as the Galaxy’s concerned, you’re still stuck in a hospital with no hope of survival – a permanent coma, if you will. My interest is to keep you alive, the Alliance’s interest differs.”   
  
Shepard watched on, his eyes tracking the black and white lacquered curves of the Ice Queen he was sure he’d melted back during the Collector days. It seemed his absence had put her back in the deep-freeze, so to say.   
  
“When Major Alenko found out the Alliance’s plan to have you silenced, he informed the only person who had the resources to make you disappear – and the knowhow.” Those blue eyes settled on him, the plump curvaceous lips turning up teasingly. “Me.”   
  
“You. He went to you. Of all people.” Shepard huffed flatly as he lowered himself gradually into the armchair by the empty hearth. His joints ached, his eyes were heavy and his head felt close to rupturing with all the new info, but he focused on Miranda, on her story. He’d have to find out from Kaidan later to know whether or not it was the truth, but he couldn’t sense any dishonesty in Miranda.   
  
“Yes, me, Shepard. Kaidan used his pretty little head instead of launching himself at Alliance brass, which probably would’ve gotten him killed. I mean, come on, Shepard, 5 weeks ago you were in a coma with almost no possibility of surviving… Now, you have nothing but a few pins in your hips and spine to worry about. You’re strong, Shepard, but that sort of healing-rate defies nature. Like, say, coming back to life after 2 years..?”   
  
Shepard sat in silence for a few minutes, processing her words, rolling them around his head as he watched Miranda’s hips roll with every step closer she took towards him in the chair… Rolling his lips between his teeth…   
  
“Cerberus…” He suddenly breathed as he leant back in his chair and stared slack jawed up at Miss Lawson. “You brought me back from death  _again_ … And you can’t have those sort of resources lying around… You’ve taken control of Cerberus, haven’t you?”   
  
“You’re quick on the uptake. But I needed help to do it.” Miranda spoke quietly. “As a Spectre, Kaidan has access to locations, technologies and records otherwise restricted to those the Council, the Alliance, whoever, don’t want anyone going into. That hospital you woke up in, Shepard, it wasn’t an Alliance hospital. It was a Cerberus building once used for administration, finance, all that paperwork bullshit running under the guise of a comm-tech support for a large company who invested in Cerberus. You were taken long before you even woke up.”   
  
Shepard simply shook his head, his mouth dry as he finally pulled it shut.   
  
“Kaidan arranged the tech, the team, the location and the meds I needed to bring you back. Of course, with no one knowing of the Illusive Man’s death, I took over his role and his vast resources. Much like Liara did with the Shadow Broker. It’s easy to don the mask of the leader when no one knows the face behind it.”   
  
“So you  _are_ leading Cerberus. You  _have_ taken control.”   
  
“Not just me, Shepard. Like I said, I didn’t have the power to overhaul Cerberus’ systems… Unlike a Spectre.” Her fingers gestured towards the unconscious form on the sofa sleeping somewhat peacefully. Shepard cringed, his eyes drawing in tight as he tried to fight the thought passing through his head- but…. No… No, Kaidan wouldn’t.   
  
“No.” Shepard thought aloud.   
  
“What are you thinking, Commander?” A delicate set of digits carded through his growing-out hair as Miranda passed the armchair and leant over the back of it, over him. She was enjoying this, he realised. “Let’s see if your mind is as sharp as it’s always been.”   
  
“This is so fucked up.” Shepard breathed.   
  
“Indulge me.”   
  
“Kaidan,” He swallowed. “ _Kaidan_ gave you Cerberus.”

“Bingo.” Miranda chuckled, before pushing back and striding off towards the kitchen. “I’ll make us some tea, you look like you need it.”


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Very stop-start on the porn here. SOZ.

  
  
“There’s one thing I don’t understand.” Shepard said a few hours later.   
  
Kaidan’s fever had calmed a few degrees, but he was still hot to touch, for a biotic anyway. He was sleeping off the worst of it for now, catching up on sleep he’d been deprived of over the past couple of weeks caring for everyone but himself…  _He deserves it_ , Shepard thought fondly.   
  
“Just one thing?” Miranda mumbled against his collarbone. She’d curled up with him on the armchair, and after insisting she took off her damn heels if she was going to squeeze in with him, they’d gotten comfortable enough that Shepard thought he might actually get some sleep.   
  
“The most pressing issue, I suppose.” Shepard grumbled. “If Kaidan has access to Cerberus and all its resources, money, whatever, then why are we sitting in a stinking old house with no power..?”   
  
“It’s a lot like those Mercenaries posing as poachers, Shepard.” Miranda sighed and shifted to look up at him. “Better to be caught as the underdog. No connections to Cerberus, the lighter he’ll get off. He’s the type to always leave a way out after all.”   
  
“But really, no power..?”   
  
“He insisted. Besides, I may be in charge of Cerberus, but Kaidan’s not taking any funds from it even when I try and hack them into his bank account.”   
  
“But why? Why put us in poverty like this, I don’t understand.”   
  
Miranda huffed and pushed Shepard to lie back on the armchair again. “You think I understand what’s going on inside his head? Ever since the war ended, he’s a changed man. His mind is darker, his biotics stronger… He’s been betrayed by the Alliance, the one thing that’s been a constant in his life… He’ll do anything to protect you. And… so will I.”   
  
Shepard closed his eyes for a second to force the breath out through his nose, to release some pressure from all the information splitting his skull at the seams, before angling his head to look down at Miranda. “I suppose it’s something only he can answer. You two are a pair of manipulative, conniving shits. But you saved my ass.”   
  
“Again.” The biotic beauty chuckled as she shifted on the Commander’s lap. “I did all the work really, Kaidan just got me the supplies I needed.”   
  
Shepard’s chuckle rumbled deep in his throat and his hand slipped down her back as she resettled against him, her fingers playing absently with the zip of his hoodie. “Kaidan would probably agree.”   
  
Miranda smirked. “Oh, I think he’d agree to a lot of things.” Her questing fingers slowly dragged the zip down the teeth until the black fabric fell open, her palm pushed inside and traced up his ribs, over his pectorals and back down to lay flat below his belly button. Shepard watched in silence, gauging the not-so-ex-anymore-Cerberus-operative-come-leader as she tilted her head and nipped at his neck whilst her hand pushed down his waistband. As her fingertips traced the length, his cock gave a twitch of interest and his eyes fell shut for a moment as he processed the situation, as well as revelled in it.   
  
“You’ve fucked him, haven’t you?” Her soft voice ghosted against his ear. “He’s good, isn’t he?”   
  
Shepard growled up at her as she straddled his lap, her weight balanced to keep most of it off his pelvis which was still mostly held together with pins and plates. Apparently there had been the idea of leaving Shepard with just enough injuries to make him believe he’d pulled through without the help of nanobots and cybernetics courtesy of Cerberus. These two devious, exotic beauties had really planned it all out.   
  
“Stop that snarling,” Miranda breathed against his lips. “You’ve encroached on my territory if anything, Shepard, but… I’m willing to share if the circumstances are right.” Shepard sighed as he was released from the confines of his trousers, the freezing cold air smothering his hot flesh and sending deliciously contrasting sensations deep down into his core. But…   
  
He glanced over to Kaidan motionless on the sofa. That irritating voice that had started as soon as Miranda had begun her advances suddenly started making sense. No matter how much Shepard longed to sink himself into Lawson and revel in sweet nostalgic bliss, Kaidan deserved better.   
  
“Miranda,” Shepard huffed and wrapped his hand around a supple hip, stilling her gentle rocking motions into his lap. “Let’s get Kaidan upstairs, light a fire, be sure he’s comfortable. I’ve had enough time passed out on that sofa to know it’s the worst place to sleep.”   
  
Miranda frowned, but put Shepard safely back in his pants regardless. “Alright,” She sighed. “You’ve done enough, I suppose. We should all get some rest.” She stepped off his lap. “Help me get Kaidan upstairs, and I may consider letting you be the big spoon.”   
  
“You enjoy being the big spoon?” Shepard chuckled as he hauled himself up out of his chair.   
  
“I do.” Miranda paused for a moment, her eyes drifting down the sleeping Canadian sprawled out on the sofa. “Especially with my hand over Alenko’s mouth whilst I peg his tight little arse.”   
  
And that… that was something else Kaidan was going to have to confirm when he woke up.   
  
  
***   
  
The night had been warm. With the combined heat of Kaidan sweating out his fever and the roaring hearth, Shepard found himself sleeping comfortably between the two biotics, if a little sticky on Kaidan’s behalf. Shepard was sure Miranda wasn’t telling him the whole truth why she was there, but the moment he woke up, he was surprised to find her side of the bed empty. Kaidan was still sleeping beside him, but at least it seemed he had moved during the night as he lay on his stomach with his arms tucked under the pillows.   
  
What was more surprising was the distinct hum of… something. It was like vibration, but distant, above him, in the attic… The pipes clanged and rattled, something was trickling in the radiator-   
  
“Power.” Shepard blinked. And he was right. He looked around the room. The clock beside the bed displayed in bright red; “10:39 AM”, the room was toasty warm instead of sweaty, he could smell food-  _bacon_ … Miranda must’ve pulled a sneaky and paid for the power to be reactivated whilst Kaidan was unable to stop her. Somehow, Shepard was inclined to prefer Miranda’s living conditions… but he was still interested in knowing Kaidan’s reasons for the lack of power.   
  
Speaking of which- “Kaidan.” Shepard muttered as he pressed his hand to the naked shoulder blade of Kaidan’s back. They’d undressed him the night before, knowing he’d be too hot in his clothes with the fire going, but they were too cold not to light it, so they’d compromised. Shepard shook Kaidan’s shoulder again and this time managed to reap a response.   
  
A long jumbled moan rumbled from Kaidan as he rubbed his face deeper into the pillow and curved his spine, his legs clicking with the stretch.   
  
“Kaidan Alenko, look at me when I’m disturbing you.”   
  
The petulant, incoherent look the Major threw his way was almost enough to make Shepard feel sorry for waking him, but he had to gage his recovery to see if he needed any immediate medical attention. Infections weren’t all too easy to work out in just one night, even for a biotic.   
  
“How’re you feeling?” He asked, his voice patient and endearing. “You’ve been sleeping for a while.”   
  
Kaidan cringed at Shepard, his eyes still scrunched up from sleep as he desperately tried to keep them open. That became easier as disorientation took over, then confusion, then shock to realise they were back in the house. The biotic bolted upright, scrambling back in the sheets as he looked around the bedroom, his breaths sharp, accelerated. Fear.   
  
Shepard gave Kaidan a few moments to gain his bearings before inching forward and carefully touching his good arm. “Hey, relax. I brought us back home. Your arm was pretty infected, and I didn’t want to risk your health anymore, so… here we are. Miranda’s downstairs fixing up some breakfast, by the smell of it.”   
  
“The… the power,” Kaidan panted, his eyes becoming pinched again as he cradled his damaged arm up to his chest. “How..?”   
  
“I’m guessing that’s Miranda too.”   
  
“God damn it, I didn’t want her help.” The Major coughed and swept his hand back into his hair.   
  
“You didn’t want this place tied to Cerberus in any way, huh?” Shepard studied Kaidan, waiting for his reaction, wondering if it was too soon for an interrogation no matter how gentle. “Even when you ran out of money to pay for the power, you refused Cerberus funding.”   
  
“Miranda tell you that, huh?” The dry, whiskey tone rasped. “Figures she’d rat me out to you. Damn woman’s been chewing my ear off to spill my guts for weeks. She tell you everything?”   
  
“Pretty much,” Shepard replied point-blank. “You abusing your spectre authority to hand Cerberus over to Miranda to bring me back to life  _again_ . Saving me from the Alliance. Bankrupting yourself paying for my medical bills. Not telling me about the bounties on our heads. Not telling me about  _a lot_ of things… you know. If you fancy adding anything to that cluster fuck of new information that almost gave me an aneurysm yesterday, feel free.”   
  
“Nah, you seem to have the gist of it-”   
  
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this, Kaidan.” Shepard growled, far from in a playful mood. “Finding out from Miranda wasn’t any less painful. And it’s not like you haven’t had the opportunity. In fact, you’ve done nothing but lie to me this whole time.”   
  
“You were still healing, Shepard. Stress would’ve reversed any progress you’d made, the new cybernetics would’ve been rejected with your body so weak. I wanted you to think that you were free to relax and take your time recovering.”   
  
“Whilst you fought to keep me hidden from the Alliance, draining your savings dry to help me recuperate, paranoid every day, stressed-”   
  
Kaidan shut his eyes tight and shook his head. “Fuck sake, Shepard! You’ve saved the entire Galaxy thrice over! You’ve died twice! We  _all_ owe you our lives, so  _please_ , if I sacrifice a few menial things for your sake, to save your life when you need saving,  _fucking_ let me.”   
  
“The power to the house  _isn’t menial._ ” Shepard leant closer to Kaidan, his voice gruff and abrasive from such a pleasant sleep with a hint of anger. “Why shut that off?”   
  
“Because I couldn’t afford it, okay?” The biotic snarled. “Does this fucking place scream “loaded” to you or something? I’m not a bratty little rich boy who served in the Alliance for fun, for your information!”   
  
“I never-!”   
  
“You didn’t  _have_ to say it!” Kaidan shouted, losing his temper, Shepard couldn’t ever remember Kaidan really losing it besides Horizon, and this was suddenly beyond that in a very short amount of time. “You’ve never  _needed_ to say it.”   
  
“You’re delirious. You’re paranoid.” The Commander grabbed Alenko by the chin when he looked away for the umpteenth time and forced his eyes back on him. “You’re stressed. You  _need_ help. Miranda and I can offer you what you need.” He swallowed. “Whatever you need.”   
  
Kaidan opened his mouth, gearing himself up for a fight and Shepard felt his temper fraying at just the idea that the man even  _dared_ to try and defend his decision. But suddenly, the biotic’s face fell, an air of defeat smothering his sigh as he ran his fingers over his face and into his unwashed hair. Shepard sat patiently opposite Kaidan, ignoring how desperately they needed to wash off the dirt and grime the past few days as runaways had lacquered them with. There was no light in Kaidan’s eyes as he finally looked up, the dark circles under his eyes more intense, too intense to tease about, his lips chapped and painfully sore.   
  
“Having biotics is as close to being a superhero as you’re going to get. Otherwise, you’re still human, still Kaidan Alenko… Still my righteous little Lieutenant, my sassy Major.”   
  
Kaidan gave a subtle curl of his lips, hinting towards a smile but not quite achieving as he absently ran the edge of his thumb up and down the fuel-spill scars splashed down his thighs. Oddly enough, they still seemed sore and inflamed even now, many months after the initial injury – had Kaidan neglected his own horrific grievances? The discoloured and scarred tissue set in patches down his thighs and up his stomach under the webbed scarring sure as hell pointed towards repeat infection.   
  
The hand holding Kaidan’s chin flexed and slid round to cradle the weight of a strong jaw thick with facial hair. It rasped against his callouses as Kaidan settled into the cup of powerful fingers that had pointed an army a trillion strong in the fight against the Reapers. Shepard hadn’t been aware he had the ability to be gentle and loving with such hands after they’d been bathed in the blood of millions… But Kaidan let him touch him with his soiled hands, allowed him to hold his face and trusted him enough to not slip them around his neck and choke him.   
  
The frail smile Kaidan had offered him earlier flourished into the real thing as Shepard touched him, caressed his neck as he tilted his head and exposed more to his attention, granting rough palms a path over the columns of his neck and down the plains of his chest. John watched the sapped biotic while his hands ventured, eventually finding the odd texture of splash burns beneath his fingertips. “We need to talk about this,” He whispered as he bent forward and pressed his lips to a particularly bad area of an infections aftermath. The gentle hiccup of a hitched breath followed every touch of his lips, a trembling sigh as his tongue lapped at the marred flesh and finally, Shepard felt fingers slide over his scalp and bite into his hair.   
  
He’d been meaning to buzz cut it all off again, but given how utterly blissful Kaidan’s tugging felt, he was tempted to just leave it.   
  
Until he realised Kaidan was pulling him off.   
  
“I’m gonna shower.” The biotic whispered. “Join me.”   
  
Shepard climbed out of the bed, shedding clothes and dumping them in a breadcrumb trail from the bedroom to the on suite bathroom where he dropped his boxers and helped ease Kaidan out of his. Just the idea of a hot shower had him half hard already, add a naked Kaidan to the mix and he was ready to pop his heat clip. The pipes gurgled overhead, rattled, and finally water rushed from the shower as Kaidan stood at an awkward angle trying to keep out of the freezing cold water spray as he toggled the heat dial.   
  
Kaidan was otherwise unentertained, so to say. His scarred cock was flaccid and Shepard found himself observing everything he’d felt but otherwise hadn’t seen clearly until that moment. He was well endowed, Shepard bit his lip, and he hung slightly to the right over his swollen balls. So, he wasn’t entirely unaffected after all.   
  
Once the water was hot enough, Kaidan stepped inside and turned to beckon Shepard, but he was already there, crowding the biotic against a corner and claiming him hard and hungry in a kiss, smothering his chapped lips with his own until there was a gentle whimper, a subtle hint for him to calm his jets. Shepard stepped back and grabbed the neglected shower gel, squeezed a healthy amount into his hands and proceeded to scrub Kaidan down.   
  
“How’re you feeling..?” Alenko breathed as soapy fingers dipped and massaged every sore muscle he hadn’t realised he had. “You seem to be walking pretty okay without the cane.” Shepard watched intently when Kaidan dispensed some more soap and began scrubbing him right back.   
  
“About time I started walking under my own power. I’m alright with short distances, but-…” John’s eyes fluttered shut as Kaidan’s fingers rolled over the coarse hair around the base of his penis, then dipped lower to gently cleanse his balls. “ _Fuck._ ”   
  
“Very informative.” Kaidan growled. His broad palm flattened and trailed back up Shepard’s body, his fingers pinching together as they dipped between his pectorals and disrupted the flow of the water as it rinsed away the soap. “But, walking for longer lengths requires the cane?”   
  
“Yeah,” Shepard took the shampoo next and reached up to work on his own hair whilst Kaidan scrubbed at his own, he didn’t want to chance blinding Kaidan with shampoo and getting the same in return, not with how romantic things were going.   
  
“You’ll have a major setback when the pins and plates are removed. You’ll need further scans and x-rays to be sure it’s safe to remove the supports.”   
  
“And this’ll all be done in the Cerberus facility.” Shepard said flatly, neither accusing nor accepting.   
  
“Y-… yes. It’s unavoidable. I suppose it says something when I trust Cerberus more than I trust the Alliance.” Kaidan ducked his head under the spray once he’d scrubbed enough and Shepard waited, slicking shampoo off his forehead and mulling over what Kaidan had said.   
  
“Yeah, Miranda’s been generous with her information. She explained the Alliance’s reasons for wanting to kill me off in that military hospital, to be sure I didn’t tell the story of what happened on the crucible. Funny how I save everyone’s asses and they can’t be fucked to save mine when I need it.” Shepard huffed and swapped with Kaidan to rinse the suds from his scalp. “If it wasn’t for you…”   
  
“Don’t.” Kaidan flinched as if pained. “I don’t want to think about it.” He paused, a gentle, fretful twist to his brows. “Please.”   
  
Shepard reached through the spray to the Canadian biotic as he collapsed back against the wall with a moist thump, his eyes clouded and lost to memories unfathomable to John. The way those beautiful amber eyes dulled and lost the fever for life he’d always recalled burning away, it hurt him. There was a pain Shepard couldn’t describe clawing its way down his chest and knotting up his intestine.   
  
“You deserve so much better, Shepard.” Kaidan whispered. “And I can’t provide it-”   
  
He pressed his finger over those plush, chapped lips to plug Kaidan’s dam from bursting on that downhill subject, not when he knew it wasn’t true and Shepard wouldn’t even grace his destructive mind with an answer. But as he dragged his finger away, down the dip of Kaidan’s chin and further down his neck to trace those splash burn scars again, the silenced biotic switched off the shower and gave a gentle nudge back towards the bedroom.   
  
“Let’s brush first, huh?” John said deeply. “I like kissing you, but I’d love it better if we didn’t taste like ass.” He handed Kaidan his toothbrush and toothpaste and set about cleaning his teeth.   
  
“And you’d know the taste.” He whispered and began to scrub his mouth. They went about their routine in silence, and apparently they were on pissing terms because Kaidan wasn’t all that bothered when Shepard had to relieve himself, though he did wait for Shepard to leave before doing the same.   
  
Shepard wondered about getting dressed, unfortunate thing was, their clothes were still in bags left in the shuttle and Shepard really didn’t feel like blowing their cover by getting caught butt naked outside. Maybe he’d ask Miranda if she could kindly- he paused, feeling the biotic at his back as he stood by the bed and the fingers and palms that slid over his ass and hips. He groaned as teeth set into the flesh on the back of his neck, teasing and light, but insistent enough to leave a mark.   
  
“You need to eat.” Shepard moaned and rolled his head back onto his lover’s shoulder as Kaidan swept his hands up his chest and rolled his fingers over budding nipples.   
  
“You want to waste  _this_ opportunity?” Kaidan muttered against his ear.  _This_ opportunity became apparent as the biotic pressed up against his back, melding their bodies together and Shepard barely suppressed a shudder as something hot and half-hard slid between Shepard's thighs.   
  
“Not really, no.” Shepard glanced over his shoulder sheepishly and bit at his lip. He was annoyed with Kaidan, he felt lied to and cheated and wanted to tell him to stick his dick in a blender for lying to him for so damn long, but Shepard also knew Kaidan had done it all for him, abandoned integrity for his health and safety... And the whole erectile dysfunction thing...   
  
“You're angry with me.”   
  
Shepard frowned and opened his eyes to drop his gaze down to Kaidan's hands making a southerly path to his groin. Damn straight he was angry, but he also understood. He didn't like this manipulative, scheming side of Kaidan, the man who'd lied to his face, the man who played off his emotions and injuries to keep Shepard in line. Ugh, he wanted his hands off his body right that second and felt his form shudder in disgust, but Kaidan was already in him too deep to push away, figuratively speaking.   
  
“What does that make you want to do to me?”   
  
Shepard grit his teeth against the out pour of “punch you in the face”, “scream at you”, “smother you with a pillow” and instead grabbed Kaidan's hands by the wrists as those damn fingers scathed his dick. “It makes me hate you.” Shepard whispered over his shoulder and yanked Kaidan's hands from his body. “It makes me despise you, it makes me want to hurt you,” He spun round and backed the biotic up against the bedroom wall with a resounding thump that knocked the air from Kaidan's chest. “It makes me wonder how much more you lied to me about, Kaidan.” He spat.   
  
“I never wanted to lie to you.” The biotic winced as his hands were pinned up the wall above him, a grip around his wrists tight enough to have the bones and tendons grind beneath his skin. “I- I never.”   
  
“You lied the whole time.” Shepard snarled. “You lied about the power, about the Alliance, about Miranda, about the private hospital where I had my rehabilitation and PT, about Cerberus, you lied about this house, you lied about everything!”   
  
“I had to!” Kaidan struggled. “But I won't lie to you anymore, there's nothing left to reveal, okay? Okay, Shepard? It's all out in the open. Anything you ask, I'll answer truthfully, I promise.”   
  
Shepard watched Kaidan closely, calculating how honest his tone was and estimating the chance of Kaidan lying to him again. Used to be, Kaidan was too honest for his own good, his sense of integrity so deeply nestled in his behaviour that it was immovable, unconquerable, but something had happened to destroy that, many things had happened, it was only a matter of which thing had broke Kaidan's back. But he knew Kaidan's tells, knew when he was lying this time, and he saw no such thing as he leant away and let go of Kaidan's wrists pressed against the wall as they were.   
  
“Who else is in on this?” Shepard muttered as Kaidan rubbed at his wrists. “Ages ago you mentioned James catching you in the Vancouver Alliance base, was that a lie too?”   
  
“No. I was there to report to Hackett and find out where the Alliance's investigation was with hunting you and I down. James is also in on this. He wasn't on the team investigating you and I, but he was actively sabotaging any evidence they found.”   
  
“Was?” Shepard frowned.   
  
“Yeah. Was. The Alliance found out and James went on the run a week ago. That was when I knew we had to make a break for it too. Anything James had as evidence, they now have. All of it is damning and all of it will eventually lead to this house, it's simply a matter of when they turn up. They could've already been and gone for all we know. But I doubt that.” Kaidan looked down the length of their bodies, still pressed intimately up against the wall, but neither seemed interested in breaking the contact or the friction as they both breathed and rubbed in intimate places.   
  
“Who else?” Shepard mumbled, distracted for the most part, but listening.   
  
“Miranda, obviously. Hackett, of course.” Kaidan bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut for a second as Shepard pressed him harder to the wall, harbouring the twitch his dick gave in fierce interest. “The entire crew is backing me up on this. They would help, but they're light-years away and with the mass relays still under repairs, they can't offer any help.”   
  
“What about the Alliance? They can't have agreed to this manhunt without good reason because they certainly don't have one.”   
  
“It's a black ops section reporting directly to Alliance brass who are hunting you down, who were in charge of “letting you die peacefully”.”   
  
Shepard frowned and leant back. “Hold on... that would mean the rest of the Alliance should have no knowledge about me.”   
  
Kaidan nodded slowly and swallowed harshly. “Yeah.”   
  
A silence passed without a single movement, regardless of how badly Shepard wanted to crumble into Kaidan and rut hard against his hip. This was important, he had to keep his brain from dropping into his cock, he needed it for straight thinking. “Which would mean...” He began. “That the galaxy should have no knowledge of me.”   
  
The biotic arched a little against the wall and bit his lip hard enough to white out his flesh, before he let go and dropped his head with a shake. Oh, this was bad. This was something big. Shepard stood there, bracing himself against the wall, against Kaidan and the words about to spill from his parting lips.   
  
“Shepard,” He uttered. “The galaxy thinks you're dead.”   
  
  
***   
  
“Dead!”   
  
“Shepard,”   
  
“No, fuck you, you don't get to talk.” Shepard pointed over his untouched breakfast at Kaidan, who immediately bit back his retort and scowled across the space between them. “You sheltered me from the truth, sure, but that's just a fancier way of saying you lied to me.”   
  
“Shep-”   
  
“Shut it!”   
  
Kaidan snarled something deep in his throat and grabbed his mug of coffee, the muscles and tendons tightening in his arm like he was about to throw the crockery, but Miranda slammed her hand down on Kaidan's wrist before he got that far.   
  
“Both of you stop it!” She snapped from the seat on the left between the two sparring males. “I'm not going to be a referee to your bitch fight, especially since we have bigger things to worry about.”   
  
“Agreed.” Kaidan muttered and finally let go of his coffee, which Miranda pulled away out of his reach. If you can't play nicely, her look spoke to him. “We're more in the shit than ever...”   
  
“Well, that doesn't surprise me, lying so much usually comes back to bite you in the ass.”   
  
“So does being an ungrateful cunt.”   
  
Miranda rolled her eyes and swung her head back to stare at the ceiling, sighing loudly, dramatically. These two were worst than a pair of Asari hookers fighting over a potential client, she was only surprised they hadn't started stabbing each other with their stiletto heels.   
  
Yet.   
  
“Oh, harsh words, that would probably hurt me if I was legally dead.”   
  
“It wasn't my decision to announce your death to the entire galaxy!” Kaidan bit back as he sat forward in his seat. “I had to work with the circumstances presented to me, and it was easier letting the Galaxy believe you were dead whilst you recovered rather than sparking up a political shit storm with the media and- and the Alliance too!”   
  
“Ah, no, just steal me instead, piss off Alliance brass, keep me your dirty little secret and use me as a sex toy until you get bored of me, then you'll announce I was alive and set me free. I think that's called kidnapping? Sexual assault? You really enjoy being an abductor and a rapist?”   
  
Kaidan scraped back in his chair hard enough to topple it against the floor, his teeth exposed in a fierce snarl, Shepard shuddered at the negative energy spilling forth, the entrancing feeling of biotics ready to activate.   
  
“Sit down.” Miranda groaned boredly. “What we have here is a typical case of lack of communication. Alright, agreed, Kaidan should have relayed all this information and told his side of the story the moment you were ready to hear it, Shepard, but the fact is, you weren't ready to hear it and it's this exact situation, this exact reason, why Kaidan held off telling you anything.”   
  
Kaidan sat back down after having his peace said for him, and Shepard glanced away, not wanting to look the Canadian in the eye any longer. There was only so much he could take from those once warm eyes now sending daggers over their stone cold breakfasts. It was a miracle Miranda had even kept things civilised for so long given the scene Miranda had walked into earlier upstairs in the bedroom. Kaidan against the wall, pinned, Shepard seething with fury. Both naked.   
  
She shook her head and returned to the conversation at hand, which had taken a far calmer turn, thank the Lord.   
  
“Shepard, everything I did, everything I lied about, was for you. You wouldn't have handled the truth, the stress would have reversed your progress, I was scared I'd lose you.” Kaidan whispered over the sudden silence. “This wasn't for my sake. I gave up a lot for you because I swore to always have your back, to never doubt you again. And you're sat opposite me, calling me a kidnapper and a rapist and... I've sacrificed the rest of my life as an Alliance soldier for you.”   
  
Shepard dropped his gaze down to the plate of burnt (crispy, Miranda had insisted) bacon and watery scrambled eggs as he listened to Kaidan talk, the husky voice rich with whiskey tones now exhausted and soft, like Kaidan was on his last legs.   
  
“You're an ungrateful piece of shit.” Kaidan chuckled tiredly. “You always have been, no matter how many people take a bullet for you. But it's my mistake thinking you deserved better than being put to sleep by the black ops Alliance team who thought you were too much of a threat to Human Galactic power.” Miranda tensed for a moment when Kaidan got up from the table again, but her suspicions of another potential fist fight went wayward when Kaidan tugged open the back door and headed out into the open backyard.   
  
“Kaidan!” She snapped, scrambling up from her seat. Shepard stopped her and pulled her gently back into the house.   
  
“I'll go.”   
  
“Oh right, because you'll do a load of good, won't you?”   
  
“I need to make things right.” Shepard looked at her hard, keeping his hand extended to keep her back. “Please, Miranda.”   
  
“You've got 10 minutes to get his arse back here, or I'm coming out after both of you.” The biotic beauty warned and finally stepped back. “You're both unwell, so don't stay out there too long. I don't want to have to nurse two big babies.”   
  
Shepard gave a rueful smile, before heading out after Kaidan into the snow.   
  
It wasn't exactly hard tracking Kaidan down given it was either him or a bear walking on it's hind legs making those footprints in the snow, from the back of their house, in size 12 combat boots, so Shepard followed those until he spotted a the familiar figure who'd left the house in clothes not nearly warm enough for a polar exploration. He expected Kaidan to give him the cold shoulder, pun unintended, as he strolled up beside the gentle biotic, and he wasn't disappointed. He only acknowledged Shepard with a glance, before turning his attention back to the vast field ahead of them blanketed in snow. Shepard leant against the fence next to Kaidan and observed in silence, much like the biotic seemed to be doing alongside him.   
  
It wasn't really that awkward either, Shepard noted, it was rather a comfortable snow-muted silence where even the birds on the trees above them seemed muffled by the vast white. It was eerie, Shepard hadn't been anywhere so... quiet. Even laying in a hospital staring endlessly at the sterile ceiling had the sounds of monitoring equipment to break up the monotonous stillness. This though?   
  
“Do you really think that way about me..?”   
  
Shepard blinked and turned his head towards Kaidan. The biotic didn't regard him, he simply stared out at the rolling hills of snow, once thick with something worth harvesting.   
  
“No.” Shepard whispered.   
  
“Good.” Kaidan sighed as he brought his hand to his face. “I mean, I don't appreciate being insulted for the sake of it, but it's... yeah.”   
  
“Yeah.”   
  
They returned to the comfortable silence, made awkward from their stop-start conversation, the lack of apology on Shepard's half and he knew he should start blubbering and getting on his knees for Kaidan, but he was pretty sure the man wouldn't appreciate that, he wasn't the type who wanted an apology anyway. As long as they regretted their actions, he didn't need to hear anything else.   
  
Instead, he reached for Kaidan's hand and curled his fingers tightly around Kaidan's. A heartbeat passed, and Shepard was sure the way the biotic's fingers lay limp in his own meant the man was seconds from pulling away, but that would be okay, it was Kaidan's call after all.   
  
“I should turn myself in.”   
  
Shepard almost bristled like a cat. He yanked Kaidan's arm and spun him round to push him back against the fence, pinning him to it and shocking him with the sudden, harsh gesture.   
  
“No.” He snarled. As Kaidan parted his lips to argue, Shepard shook him snappishly by the waist. “No.” He repeated. “I'm not losing you, Kaidan, you know they'll kill you the second they get their hands on you.”   
  
“I'm tired of hiding.” Kaidan gasped lightly as Shepard grabbed him by the jaw and yanked him back to look him in the eye. He wasn't going to let Kaidan continue this destructive line of thought, that much was clear, but Kaidan had to explain his feelings of surrender before Shepard could argue.   
  
“If I hand myself over to the alliance, you can make a break for it, I'll tell them anything to get them off your trail, you know I would.”   
  
“I want to stay with you.” Shepard growled and pushed his face into Kaidan's collar as he wrapped his arms around his ribs, squeezing and burying closer to Kaidan's warmth that had always felt more like home since the first day he'd been accepted into Kaidan's home, into Kaidan's arms. “I'm not going anywhere without you, okay? You just gotta be straight up honest with me from now on, otherwise... I don't want to lose trust in you, but I will.”   
  
“I know,” Kaidan mumbled after a few seconds of hesitation, his arms carefully pulling Shepard closer to his trembling body as the icy chill of the country around them settled into his bones. He could feel it too, like standing in a deep-freeze fridge, feeling his fingers slowly turning into popsicles, and he suddenly recalled Miranda's warning, to return in 10 minutes or else... or else Miranda's wrath. The thought of that made him shudder just as hard as the chill around them.   
  
“I want to earn your trust again.” Kaidan whispered as they pulled apart and began to make their way back to the house.   
  
“ You never lost it, Kaidan. I trust you implicitly, that'll never change. I'm... disappointed, if anything. Disappointed you didn't trust  _me._ ”   
  
“I do trust you.” Kaidan barked. “I-... I do, I promise.”   
  
“Really? From the way I see it, you couldn't trust me with the truth, because you thought I wouldn't be able to handle it, or that I'd hate you. Or turn you in or whatever.”   
  
“I was protecting you from the truth.” The biotic shook his head and rubbed at his face. “I don't know how many times I need to explain this to you, I had good intentions.”   
  
“I know you did.” Shepard reached between them and took Kaidan's hand tightly where he squeezed his fingers and smiled as Kaidan squeezed right back. “We need to figure out where we go from here. We can't keep hiding forever, like you said.”   
  
“We need to contact James.” Kaidan suddenly spoke up in a serious tone. “He needs sheltering too, just like you and me. I'll have Liara send him a message and Miranda can set off to pick him up. Unfortunately we can't go anywhere until the heat from the mercenary deaths go down.”   
  
Shepard nodded and let Kaidan enter first, then followed him inside the back door, back into the kitchen.   
  
“Oh, you are lucky.” Miranda huffed from where she was standing opposite the clock. “I was ready to fell that entire forest with my biotics too.”   
  
“Right, because nothing says “come look here for a powerful biotic sheltering a prisoner of war” like incinerating an entire forest with biotics.” Shepard teased the beauty as they passed by into the living room.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

“I feel like I’ve already asked, but; really? Miranda Lawson? You’re  _literally_ in bed with Miranda Lawson.” Shepard slumped across the large bed he and the two black haired biotics had spent the previous night in, and peered at the upside-down image of Kaidan pacing the length of the bedroom.   
  
“I had to put someone I trusted in charge of Cerberus.” Kaidan responded automatically, clearly having rehearsed these answers to give Shepard if he ever asked.   
  
“I find it hard to see you trusting Miranda.” Shepard folded his arms across his chest. “So, you fucked a few times before the beam run in London, at the climax of the war. I wouldn’t call that the “Alenko seal of approval” by any stretch of the imagination.”   
  
“Is it so hard to believe I took a risk?”   
  
“Yes.”   
  
Kaidan rolled his eyes up to the ceiling and sighed. “Well, I did take a risk.” The biotic took a seat at the end of the bed and cradled his damaged arm against his chest. “But I didn’t take it blindly. When Alliance Command put Hackett in charge of disposing of you after you were recovered from the crucible crash site, he immediately called me. He explained with my Spectre code, I could save you from certain death, given the correct use of my power. He stalled the cut of your life support long enough for me to get the help I needed to break you out without killing you.”   
  
“So, that’s where Miranda came in.” Shepard nodded to himself.   
  
“Yeah.” Kaidan breathed. “Her loyalties are with Oriana, not Cerberus and not The Alliance, regardless of who was signing her paycheque. She didn’t know where Oriana was after the war, nor did she have the facilities to locate her. When she also approached me in hopes of using my Spectre code, I knew I could use her the same way she wanted to use me.”   
  
“Like a sex buddy?” Shepard flinched when Kaidan thumped him with a throw cushion, but couldn’t help but laugh at the distinct grump blossoming across his protector’s face.   
  
“No.” The biotic grumbled. “ _That_ was just a… a perk. Anyway, you wanted answers, didn’t you? Or did you want to delve into my joke of a sex life?”   
  
“Seems pretty active to me.” Shepard chuckled until he turned over onto his stomach on the bed and realised Kaidan wasn’t so easily amused. Not willing to risk the next item thrown at him not being as downy and plush as a cushion, Shepard shut his trap and listened.   
  
“Miranda wanted access to Cerberus in its entirety, at least what was left of it, so she could find Oriana and bring her home. In return, she would use up whatever was left of the Lazarus Project to fix you up as quickly as possible and move you to location out of the public eye.” Kaidan gestured to the room around them. “And so, you ended up here.”   
  
“Alright, so you and Miranda used the surviving technology in the Cerberus database to fix me up, but also locate Oriana. Next question; Why here?”   
  
“The house? Without power, it doesn’t let off an energy signature, which is rare in households nowadays due to their updated eezo generators. It still runs off of electricity, as do the surrounding houses. They were never refitted with detectable power sources such as eezo generators, or had AI, or VI technology installed to make habitable life easier. These houses are untouched by the push in technology the Mars Prothean archives had on the rest of the planet. They have been left in the past.” Kaidan grew silent. Shepard shifted to sit up on his haunches and tilted his head to duck into Kaidan’s field of view.   
  
“And this house has no connection to you otherwise.” He asked softly.   
  
“No. I lied to you, before when I mentioned Mom wouldn’t be happy with me ditching the family home. It’s just a safe haven, or, was, until Miranda turned the power back on. It’s going to look suspicious to the power board, and considering no other houses around these parts are inhabited, they’re going to come directly here to find out why a derelict house amongst the snow smothered cornfields has suddenly come back to life.”   
  
“You mean…”   
  
“It wasn’t a lack of money keeping the house off the power grid, though it didn’t help matters, it was me. I turned off the power to keep us off the map. We’ve survived worse situations, Shepard. A few weeks washing out of a bucket on a gas stove, and cuddling in a bed to keep warm through the night whilst I planned out our next move wasn’t going to kill us.” Kaidan took a deep breath and ran his hand over his bandaged arm. “It wasn’t  _supposed_ to, anyway.”   
  
“Why not keep me in the Cerberus facility? Why bring me here? The Cerberus facility had power. You could’ve convinced me it was a private veteran hospital, an alliance medical service, and kept me there. You wouldn’t have been putting yourself in danger like this.” Shepard shook his aching head and pressed his face into the mattress as he toppled onto his side and gazed up at the biotic.   
  
The biotic shifted enough to brush his fingers through Shepard’s hair, to somehow ease the flow of information into Shepard’s head. Shepard wished Kaidan luck with that.   
  
“The Cerberus facility was attacked.” Kaidan whispered as softly as the caress either side of Shepard’s face. “By the Alliance, but, not for the reasons you would believe.”   
  
“They  _didn’t_ come for me?” Shepard blinked. “That  _is_ unbelievable.”   
  
“They tracked Cerberus identification codes being used in the procedures needed to fix you. A team, led by Lieutenant Commander James Vega, stormed the place, and found us. He… He bought us enough time to destroy any evidence tracking us back to the facility, and allowed us to escape. At the time, the team Vega was leading agreed to keep what they saw out of any reports. Dare I say, Vega might have threatened them a fair deal not to mention what went down at the facility ever again, but, someone turned redcoat. James barely escaped with his life from the Alliance HQ in Vancouver, and ever since, I’ve been leaking our coordinates to him through Liara.”   
  
“So, he’s on his way here?” Shepard enquired.   
  
“I hope so. Liara last sent a report of his whereabouts to me a few days ago. If he’s on foot, it should take about 4 days to walk, or run, here from Alliance HQ.”   
  
“And all of this is because of what I know about the Crucible, about the Reapers, the catalyst, of how I won the war…” Shepard scoffed and reached his hand up to gently tug on Kaidan’s thick blanket of beard. “I almost feel special.”   
  
“You  _are_ special, Shepard.” Kaidan finally cracked a tiny smile and grasped Shepard’s wrist gently to stop him from tugging at his beard. “You saved the galaxy, don’t forget that. You saved every life the Reapers threatened, every mother, child, cat, dog and goldfish. You saved me, too. I guess I owe you for that.”   
  
Shepard chuckled and released his wrist from Kaidan’s grip long enough to slide his hand around the back of Kaidan’s neck and gently urge him down to him. “It’s only a matter of time before all those saved goldfishes return the favour, I’m sure.” He grinned and arched up a little to meet Kaidan’s soft, rehydrated lips. They tasted a whole lot better than their previous, chapped and split state, that was for sure, especially with a better breath behind them too.   
  
Kaidan laughed tenderly as he pulled back and knocked their foreheads together in an affectionate manner Shepard didn’t know Kaidan had ever been capable of. But he wasn’t complaining.   
  
“Next question,” Shepard breathed and opened his eyes enough to watch the biotic shift onto his knees on the bed and bend down for another upside down kiss, probably hoping for a little reprieve from the 101 questions. His fingers skittered over Kaidan’s beardy cheeks and eased him back with a loud break of lips.   
  
“Can’t it wait?” The Major groaned.   
  
“As much as I’d love to get a load of that Canadian bacon, Alenko, I need the air cleared. You’ve lied to me a lot, and even though you’re no longer under my command, and you never lied to me when you were, even when you ranked higher than me, I feel you should be able to explain yourself to me without an audience.”   
  
“You mean, before James gets here now Miranda has reported back to HQ.”   
  
“Exactly.”   
  
Kaidan’s breath was warm against his mouth as he sighed and reclined back against the end of the bed, opening his arms wide for what Shepard was sure he thought was going to be a barrage of questions. “Go on, then. Hit me with it.”   
  
“Alright, so, Miranda mentioned she enjoys being the bigger spoon-“   
  
“Commander Shepard-“   
  
“She also declared she likes to cover your mouth as she, quote “pegs your tight little arse”, and I just wanted to know-“   
  
“Shepard! You’re not asking- I am  _not_ answering that.”   
  
“You already have.” Shepard grinned widely and sat up to witness Kaidan’s glowing cheeks and furrowed brows in all their glory. “Was it good, at least? Or- how many times have you done it like that with her?” From the way Kaidan was glaring at him, he knew he was better off trying to squeeze blood from a stone, but his entertainment was Kaidan’s reaction more than anything.   
  
“I can’t believe you. After all I’ve said, after all the lies exposed and truths revealed, you’re more interested in whether Miranda fucked me with a strap-on. Honestly, Shepard, you’re going there?”   
  
“I’m curious.” Shepard uttered openly.   
  
“Yeah? Well…” Kaidan trailed off and cleared his throat. “I was too, is that enough for you? Are you done laughing at me?”   
  
“Were you just curious when you let me touch you the first time?” Shepard swallowed. “Were you just curious when we kissed?”   
  
“No- I-“   
  
“Did you laugh at me when I begged you to fuck me?”   
  
Kaidan only shook his head and inched closer, his hand reaching out to card through Shepard’s hair and down his neck.   
  
“Then why me?” Shepard frowned. “Why me, and not Miranda? She had you on that couch, she wanted to fuck you, she was naked for you, Kaidan, and yet you… you were flaccid. You  _couldn’t_ get hard for her-“   
  
“ _Wouldn’t_ .” Kaidan huffed and squeezed his eyes shut. “I wouldn’t get hard for her. Yes, I have erectile dysfunction, but I’m not an animal- I’m not a machine for Miranda to turn on whenever she sees fit.” The Biotic stood and resumed his pacing whilst Shepard sat on the bed in the dwindling light. “It’s a challenge, but I can control my dick around her, believe it or not.”   
  
“Why would you need to?”   
  
“Because as far as I’m aware, our affiliation is done. Miranda has Cerberus, her sister, power, and I have you, safe, recuperating. I don’t know why she continues to check in. It’s not for my sake, or some… some poor excuse of a sex life… it’s something else, and it worries me the more she finds an excuse to be here.”   
  
“You don’t trust her anymore.”   
  
“No. I trusted her because you did during the war. Whenever she visited, she demanded to see you. I managed to ward her off as much as possible, usually with sex, sometimes asking Hackett to report her back to HQ. The thing is, it all could have been innocent – she just wanting to see you – but…” Kaidan shook his head and bit his lip.   
  
“You sound paranoid, Kaidan.” Shepard began. “But there are things she’s done, she’s said, that, now I think back on it, make me think she’s simply keeping an eye on you. As a friend.” He smiled and lifted his hands to Kaidan, inviting him back into the bed. “Listen, you’re good at your job, you’re a protector, you’re a leader, you’re a soldier. Right now, you’re grounded with nothing to spend your talents on. Your mind is going a bit stir crazy, with the isolation, the looming threat, the stress, but turning on your friends, fuck buddies, whatever, is just the start of a downhill path you don’t want to be on. I’ve been there where you are. I can help you.”   
  
The biotic just shrugged.   
  
“I know you’re stressed, but now is not the time to turn on allies. She’s worth more to you as a friend than an enemy, remember that.”   
  
Kaidan stopped pacing and turned his attention on Shepard. He was silent as he reached forward and gently took Shepard’s hands, feeling the rasp of their callused palms slide together. “You’re right.” He sighed heavily and let his shoulders sag under his exhaustion. “What do you say, I light the fire, and we have an early night together?”   
  
“Well, that just sounds dandy. You need me to grab the strap on?”   
  
  
*                 *                  *   
  
  
Shepard’s cheek was still a little sore from where the zip of the throw cushion had nailed him after Kaidan responded to his sass, but it was feeling a little better for all the kisses Kaidan had given it. Shepard tucked his chin against Kaidan’s shoulder and traced his finger along the bandages wrapped around Kaidan’s battered arm, studying the memory it brought up of the blood and biotics, the anger in Kaidan’s eyes. He certainly was a changed man after everything he’d believed in had turned on him in the most horrid ways. But Shepard liked the man it’d made of him.   
  
“You turned off the power, again.” Shepard muttered into Kaidan’s neck.   
  
“I had to. Miranda only wanted to make our lives a bit easier today, but the power is traceable. We’ll have to move soon because of it, before the power board sends someone to investigate.”   
  
“Right.” John turned onto his side and weaved his arms under Kaidan’s, pulling them flush together in a close knit hug that had a few choice areas of his body twitching in approval. “When are we shipping out?”   
  
“Don’t worry about that. I’ll wake you when everything’s ready. Just sleep off your meds, for now, and I’ll see to the preparations.” Kaidan began to shift to get out of bed, but Shepard slid forward to wrap his arm around Kaidan’s waist and reel him back in. “Shepard-”   
  
The Commander didn’t want to explain how long he’d waited to be back in a warm comfortable bed with Major Alenko, with no interruptions besides Kaidan trying to go AWAL on him after kissing him to a half-hard, dizzying mess. So, he didn’t say a damn thing as he shoved Kaidan back down onto the bed and dove in for another taste of the one man who’d ever attracted him.   
  
“You… didn’t explain why.” Shepard breathed against Kaidan’s lips.   
  
“Why?” The biotic licked his lips and glanced down as Shepard settled between his legs and pressed himself intimately against him. “Shepard, I-”   
  
“Why me? Why me and not Miranda?”   
  
“Don’t make me say it.” Kaidan grimaced and moved his hands to stop Shepard from trying to pull off his sweatpants, clearly Shepard’s determination to get him naked was a little more substantial than Kaidan’s desire to keep his scars hidden.   
  
“I’m under the impression I’m just another experiment for your budding sexualities, Alenko, wouldn’t you like to clear that up for me?” Shepard threw the sweatpants clear from under the covers and dove down to taste the skin his efforts had revealed. “Or is that all I am to you? Another strap on but with more flesh attached.”   
  
“Don’t be disgusting!” Kaidan snapped and threw back the sheets to find where the Commander was to grab him. Shepard narrowly escaped his grip and moved up to press himself completely against the Major again, feeling the man below him with every last inch of himself.   
  
“What makes me different than Miranda. Why me?”   
  
“Because…” Kaidan panted and turned his face away. Shepard frowned and slid back under the covers, pushing Kaidan’s undershirt up out of the way so he could rasp his tongue through the plentiful hair adorning his chest and stomach. “B-Because…” The Biotic tried again. “I can’t…”   
  
“You can.” The Commander’s fingers ran down Kaidan’s thighs as he descended to Kaidan’s boxers and wrapped his lips around the limp form of his penis, giving the fabric an open mouthed kiss and a tender lick.   
  
“I… I wanted you.” A whispered confession from above and Shepard grinned. “I watched you on the SR1 with Liara. Saw how you flirted with her.” A gasp as Shepard nipped at a sensitive patch just above his waistband. “And then later on, on the SR2, you were all over her again. But you’d cheated on her with Miranda. You piece of shit.” A chuckle, a deep breath. “I remember her crying to me, telling me what you did, how human males were all bastards, “No offence, Kaidan” and I had to hold back telling her how I was  _glad_ you messed her around.”   
  
“That’s cruel, Kaidan.” Shepard whispered and tugged Kaidan’s boxers out of the way so he could lap and kiss at his scarred cock. “You were jealous.”   
  
“I’m not above admitting I was. I tried to snub such stupid desires, but then you started touching me and-” Kaidan arched and reached down to curl his fingers into Shepard’s hair. “Ah- it’s all your fault. I wasn’t meant to get so invested in this mission, but you- you just had to… to be you.”   
  
Shepard flushed and parted his lips. He pressed his tongue against Kaidan’s cock and traced his body with licks, all the way up until he was delving his tongue into his protector’s mouth and letting him taste exactly what he’d been savouring down below. He felt Kaidan squirming under him and the grip of his fingers tighten on his forearms until they fell slack and drifted up to grab his hair. Shepard hissed and slipped his lips to Kaidan’s neck to earn himself a few gasps and groans as he kept the Major pinned to the mattress by his hips on his.   
  
“This job was so much easier before.”   
  
“Sssh.” Shepard gently urged.   
  
“This is-…”   
  
Shepard dipped his hands under Kaidan’s backside and pulled him up into his lap, feeling Kaidan wrap his legs around his waist.   
  
“We can’t- It’s easier if this didn’t-…”   
  
By this point, he knew Kaidan was just trying to voice a refusal for the sake of claiming it wasn’t his fault later on, which only made Shepard grin into Kaidan’s neck and bite him right on the jaw line.   
  
It was cute.   
  
  
*                 *                  *   
  
  
Shoving Kaidan Alenko against the headboard of his own bed and fucking him to the point his words had blurred into a series of breathless cries was probably one of the defining moments of his sex life, Shepard thought briefly as Kaidan sunk his teeth into the hand he was trying to muffle the Major’s cries with. Although playing Major Kaidan Alenko like an instrument was a real pleasure, having the rest of Vancouver and its wildlife know they were fucking probably wasn’t a great idea if they wanted to remain hidden.   
  
The very thought of being inside Kaidan was enough to make his whole body shake with desire, but when Kaidan had turned over and presented him with his… Shepard shuddered and bit into Kaidan’s shoulder blade, adding another bite to the collection of bruises along his back. The Major was trembling. He’d left a fair share of scratches down the wall the bed was pushed against, and Shepard could only imagine what his back would’ve looked like if he had taken the biotic from the front.   
  
“Kaidan,” Shepard panted against the biotic’s ear as he slipped his fingers into his mouth and felt those perfect teeth sink into his flesh and his tongue dance around the tips of his digits. “You gonna be pissed if I come in you?”   
  
Kaidan shuddered and clenched tight around Shepard, but kept enough sense in him to shake his head before it was shoved down into the pillows. The Major gasped and grunted as Shepard’s thrusting picked up, his hands scrambling to gain purchase against the headboard before Shepard fucked him through the damn thing.   
  
“I’d be more pissed if you didn’t.” Kaidan panted and pushed back on Shepard again, curling his spine into every punishing thrust. “O-oh God!”   
  
“Yeah, I thought so. But I’m polite, at least.”   
  
Kaidan didn’t respond besides a broken laugh almost smothered by a cry as Shepard yanked him back into his lap and let out a pained growl as he came. It started at the back of his head and shot down to his toes, his vision whiting out as he filled the Major and dug his fingernails into the flesh of his buttocks.   
  
“Oh, fuck,” Shepard breathed as he ducked down and smoothed his tongue over the bruises and welts his teeth had left on the biotics shoulders and neck. “You close?”   
  
“If you blue balls me, Shepard-”   
  
“I won’t.” The Commander slid his hand under Kaidan and grasped his cock tight as he pulled out and flipped him over. “Hey there. That for me?”   
  
Kaidan, though about to tear Shepard’s head off if he didn’t finish him soon, couldn’t help but chuckle and tuck his arms over his eyes. “Your dirty talk reminds me of one of those crappy Blasto movies.”   
  
“Okay, we’re gonna have to talk about your taste in movies after this, but for now…” Shepard flexed his back and dipped down to lathe his tongue over the weeping erection he’d manage to earn from Kaidan in the past hour. Something was telling him it was from the brutal treatment he’d been giving Kaidan’s prostate, but he liked to think it was his skill, and that alone which had enticed a rare erection from the Major.   
  
Kaidan was clutching his hair and his thighs were tight around his head, Shepard could tell Kaidan wasn’t going to let him up for air until he had a mouthful of come, so he did what he thought was correct to do in a blowjob, and bit him.   
  
The yell he earned wasn’t out of pleasure, so he pulled away as quick as he could and held up his hands in the darkness to apologise.   
  
“Fuck, Shepard, you bit me!”   
  
“I’m sorry! I’ve never- I don’t-”   
  
“It’s fine, honestly, just- no teeth. I’ll teach you how to do this another time. Come here.” His tender hands pulled Shepard down on top of him again and he moaned at the contact. “Just- do what you do to yourself, to me.”   
  
Shepard shifted onto his knees and slid his hand around Kaidan’s cock, amazed it hadn’t gone flaccid with the rough treatment. He squeezed and watched Kaidan’s eyes fall shut and his head rock back.   
  
“That’s it.” The Major approved softly. “You’re good at this. Good at a lot of things. Just- hn- a little tighter, that’s it.”   
  
Shepard watched every shift on Kaidan’s face and smiled as the pleasure added a little colour to the man’s cheeks and chest. The biotic was quickly reduced to a writhing mess by Shepard’s hands, and that felt empowering to the younger man, having the once stony Major in such a state beneath him. Kaidan’s hand slid down to join his on his cock and squeezed tight around his fingers, a sharp breath escaping them both as Shepard realised he was about to bring this man to climax.   
  
This was real. His come was leaking out of his first lieutenant’s backside. His hand was full of his second in command’s cock. His tongue was urging his fellow spectre to come on his stomach and chest.   
  
Kaidan’s amber eyes opened just in time for Shepard to watch them shift to blue as he lost what little control of his body he had left and began to glow with the power of his biotics. Shepard sunk down against his biotic and kissed his name from his tongue as those neon tendrils of flame passed onto his own body and flickered over his skin.   
  
“Kaidan.” Shepard growled into the other spectre’s neck. “Ah-fuck-” A clawed hand raked down his back as a broken gasp echoed out into his ear. A wet sensation trickled down his fist and flecked up against his stomach as he squeezed his eyes shut and quietly murmured comforts to the man losing his mind against him.   
  
“Uh- Shep- I-”   
  
“I’ve got you.” He breathed and pushed his lips against Kaidan’s again as his free hand pushed the ravaged hair out of Kaidan’s face and back into his hairline. Kaidan’s hands left where they had attached themselves to Shepard’s on his dick and slid around Shepard’s face to hold his cheeks as they kissed harder.   
  
Shepard felt the mattress shift as Kaidan rolled them over and sucked his tongue into his mouth. Fuck, this man, this amazing man had taken him away from harm, fixed him up, protected him with his life, and let him thoroughly fuck him without ever having to let him ask. Shepard didn’t know what to do with the mountain of kindness and selflessness. And it wasn’t all for Kaidan’s benefit either, not if the bandaging wrapped around Kaidan’s arm, or the dark, damp house around them had any say.   
  
The kiss broke slowly as Kaidan pulled back with a gentle chuckle. Shepard couldn’t help but smile back, his hands all over the biotic straddling his thighs completely naked in all his scarred, muscled glory. “I should…” Kaidan gestured breathlessly to the bathroom and went to get up. Shepard sat up and wrapped his hands around Kaidan’s waist, before letting his fingers slide down and releasing Kaidan’s from his grasp, albeit reluctantly.   
  
“You’re so cute.” The Major uttered softly. “I’ll be back shortly, I promise.”   
  
“I know, I just…” Shepard swept his gaze down his partner appreciatively now the Major was standing by the bed in brazen glory. “It’s cold.”   
  
“So is the come drying on my skin, Shep.” Kaidan grinned and turned to walk towards the bathroom-

  
“James?” Kaidan suddenly jumped.


End file.
